Amazing opener. Seems picturesque and very well-realized. Really caught my eye with that, really drew me in.
My second favourite bit is this:
"By the ripple of a heartbeat
death's dream kingdom bids you come,
to the circles of the stormy deep
so utterly real to some."
. . .
That bit just. . . slays.
Otherwise, I see wrong with it. . . Apart from the fact that it slays my mind so murderously. So depressively
This piece is like a pendulum, that swings from dark to bright, ranging from low-beat to high.
Jeez, how do you properly articulate something as abstract as "poetry" anyway? It's not like math, or science, it's a much more "kinetic" thing. It's very personal, very internal. . .
Do I make even the slightest of sense?
Within my minds' ear, I can hear this piece, speak to me with a low-beat way. "In the Begins" hits me with a sombre quality, that rises almost hopefully with "Breezes Gentle," And this is a cycle that I hear continue throughout.
s***e, mate. Your second poem? How long did it take? Probably put deep thought into it, I expect.
Hey! I doubt very much this is your second poem-work. If that's true than your probably a natural or something. Your second?--psshht. Yeah, right. Your hundredth.
What gets to me is the meaning that it carries. It carries a lot. And the references you made, to the trade center--that was pretty evocative too.
Mistakes? Wolve's. Nothing wrong with that, really. I wouldn't see any reason to correct it.
Usually when I read a piece like that I think it speaks of the author as having seen the world and speaks that he or she has a real understanding, and a meaningful message to convey.
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