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Review of The Last Ticket  Open in new Window.
Review by JavaQueen2000 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You pulled me in. Great job setting me up for the internal torture that I was going to be subjected too. I want more though. I want to know how he ended up behind bars or what he felt like looking at himself. How did he feel being cut off from Pauline? and I want the total despair he would feel at being trapped forever.
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Review of Memento  Open in new Window.
Review by JavaQueen2000 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Wow. I feel your pain. And I see your problem. You are so close the subject that it is difficult to get all of the emotions you feel out. I was the same way when my husband died.

I would suggest looking at each emotion that you want to convey and write only to that emotion. You did a great job describing your feelings when you visited the spot where she was killed. Use this as a starting point.

I would acutally start your story with this:A writer wants the most powerful statement first to draw the reader in. For me this was the most powerful.

I drew out the silhouette of her slain body on the sidewalk- a memory etched and infused into my mind forever- the blood, the chalk, the cracked sidewalk and sparse grass, brown with summer's devouring heat and unforgiving sun, the heat that still remained though late at night within the sidewalk and road like the heat that radiated from her body as I knelt beside it that fateful summer night.


Continue with your rememberance of her. How she looked that night. How she made you feel. Then go into the emotions of what you lost. Explain the sound of furniture breaking and how with each crash you died a little more. Make me feel your loss by telling me in vivid detail how you felt, with each task you preformed for her. Show me how frustrated you were at not being able to complete the tasks as she would. Then before you go to bed show me the loss, the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach as you look at the bed and reluctantly crawl into it. Circle back around to the emotions and the loss when you go back to the sidewalk and tell me your feeling as you clean the sidewalk making it as perfect as your love. Then end with the feelings of hope as you go to Georgia in search of the perfection you once had.

As you re-write remember you are paying tribute to your love. It is all there I can see it. Good luck on your journey.
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