I found your story as an entry in Steve's Anthropomorphic Contest. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
I think this is a very well written and easy-to-read story, about a dilemma that resonates with the debates that we all hear on a day to day basis in the real world. So I think it would immediately have relevance to most readers, regardless of their political views.
Plot:
I think you have crafted the plot beautifully, incorporating back story elements seamlessly. There is a clear conflict and resolution, and I like the way that Walter seems to be building up in his speech to the opposite decision to the one he actually made, until the sudden arrival of Simon.
Style and Voice:
The style and voice are strong, and consistent throughout.
Scene/Setting:
You clearly set the scene, initially inside and then outside on the balcony of Walter's tree-office in Jungleville, using details like the ticking clock, and the sea of cats in the crowd.
Characters:
You develop each of the characters well. The trusted advisor, gently nudging Walter to go and make his decision known. Walter, a little of his backstory and previous friendship with Marmaduke, clearly feeling burdened by the weight of his decision. Even the secretary - we get a sense of how she is feeling from her tail body language!
Dialogue:
I think you have used dialogue really well. You use great verbs too - not just "said".
Grammar and Mechanics:
This all looks flawless to me
Suggestions:
The only thing you may want to consider is adding some more descriptive detail of the scene/setting if you can do so within the word limit.
Thank you for sharing your story, and good luck in the competition. Write On!
I found your story as the winner on Daily Flash Fiction. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
What a clever story, you told it very well within the word limit. I loved the twist at the end, and understand how Callie could have met a fate worse than death! (I actually DID wet my pants once when I was about 11, returning on a bus from a school trip with a long way between toilet stops, so can definitely relate to Callie's anxiety!)
Plot:
The plot was clear and straight forward. You have used a great hook line at the beginning. It was rather convenient that the jar was close by, but in an old abandoned building, this is probably quite likely - I imagine there were all sorts of things laying around
Style and Voice:
Callie's voice is clear in the story, and authentic.
Scene/Setting:
There is not much room for description in these very short flash fiction pieces, but I think you did a very good job of giving the reader a sense of the old building. Your visual image of the racoons escaping the building every which way was very strong. I could see it all happening!
Characters:
You develop Callie very well, her personality comes across clearly, as does her annoyance with herself for getting into this predicament, and her desperation to find a solution.
Dialogue:
There is no dialogue as such in this piece, but I think you have cleverly used Callie's thoughts to tell much of the story.
Grammar and Mechanics:
I couldn't see any grammar issues. There is just one small thing with tense - to me, the paragraph staring "It was dark" read at first as if this is what is "currently" happening - after her foot was stuck. By the end of the paragraph it came clear that it was beforehand.
Suggestions:
So my only suggestion for change would be for the "It was dark" paragraph to begin with "It had been dark and she'd automatically ...". This would just make the order of events a little clearer.
Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on winning Flash Fiction!. Write On!
I found your story as the winning Writers Cramp entry on 20th October. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
A fun fantasy story, cleverly weighing up the potential threat or otherwise of gigantic playful kittens. I like the way you have thrown in some sneaky comedic elements relevant to current politics! (Don Rump - now that name reminds me of someone ... can't think who ... lol!)
Plot:
The plot is straight forward and easy to follow. You have used "sub-stories" to good effect to tell the overall tale of the havoc being wrought by these fantastic felines. You have also introduced conflict through the 2 "factions" for and against protecting the kittens - which will win out?! (I hope the protecting ones .... I think!!)
Style and Voice:
The story lends itself very well to the style you have used, being a transcript of a current affairs show. I also like the way the oldest kittens are still only 3 months old, which has left me wondering what will happen next as they grow up!
Scene/Setting:
You have used various settings through the story, each relating to one of its sub-parts. You have described the settings using the dialogue of various interviewees and reporters, which I think adds a very interesting layer of depth.
Characters:
Again, we get to know the various characters through the dialogues. None of them eclipse the main characters of the piece, those lovely giant kittens!
Dialogue:
I think the dialogue has been used very effectively, and in fact is the way the story is told. Because the story is written as a transcript of the documentary, there is sort of dialogue within dialogue. This added a layer of interest and complexity to the story. I think it must have been quite hard to keep track of as you wrote, so you have done a great job.
Grammar and Mechanics:
I am a little rusty about the use of inverted commas/quotation marks as they relate to dialogue, but I think they may need to be reviewed in places, or perhaps you could use italics instead or as well. I think with the way it is currently punctuated, it is sometimes a little confusing as to which dialogue is Leslie Strand speaking on the show, which is a reporter, which is an interviewee...etc.
Suggestions:
My only suggestion would be, if you were going to work on this story further, to have a look at the best and clearest way to punctuate the dialogue and distinguish between the main report, and the reports within it.
Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on your well-deserved Writers Cramp win!
I found your story as an entry in the folklore competition. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
This is a lovely story, which is very well written.
Plot:
The plot is well structured and easy to follow. As the story progresses, there are little clues which give the reader an inkling that there is something Richard is hiding. I was quite concerned for the lovers, wondering what awful thing it might be! The twist right at the end was a surprise, that despite the dark secret, Sarah was totally accepting.
Style and Voice:
You tell the story from an omnipresent point of view, so that the reader gets to see a little of what each character sees and thinks. I think you did that well, without it getting confusing.
Scene/Setting:
I think because you have focussed more strongly on the characters themselves, there is not so much description of the scene, just a little of the Leeds property, and of the twilight as they walked. I don't think this detracts from the story though.
Characters:
I think you have done a very good job of giving the reader an insight into the characters and their lives. They are obviously very much in love, and Sarah a little jealous of the other demands on Richard's time. Richard is clearly highly responsible, with a strong sense of duty and family. I felt that perhaps they could have had stronger feelings about the revelation of the little one - Richard of dread as to how Sarah might react, Sarah of shock, even though she moved quickly to acceptance and caring.
Dialogue:
The dialogue is authentic, clear and easy to follow, and forms a key part of the story and the development of the characters.
Grammar and Mechanics:
The grammar I very good throughout. I noticed a couple of small things - in the sentence "Sarah had seen the Leeds home, due to her family's objections" I wondered if you meant Sarah had not seen the Leeds home ... " Also I wasn't sure about the phrase "near dusk twilight", perhaps it should be "near dusk", or just "twilight".
Suggestions:
I don't think the story needs much in the way of improvement. It is a really good story as it is. You could consider showing more strongly the negative emotions I imagine they would have had around the reveal of the little one to add a little more impact; and perhaps adding more sensory descriptions around the setting, which would draw the reader in a bit more.
Thank you for sharing your story. And good luck in the competition!
I found your short story entry in the Writers Cramp contest. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
My overall impression is of a story with a lot of potential as a mystery, thriller and horror story all rolled into one, with some great ideas.
Plot:
I found the plot a little confusing. I expect there are things you deliberately leave unclear, in order to create the mystery element, but then it seems (and this is just my opinion) as if the "loose ends" are not all tied up. For example, I think, at the end, that Ryan himself was the killer of his father, but was he also the original clown, after the party? Or was there another killer? And if the father told the police he had killed the original clown, why was he going about his everyday business a few weeks later?
Characters:
The story gives the reader a glimpse of Carly and Ryan and what motivates them, but I think this could be developed further, especially Ryan in terms of the motivations for his actions. The ways Ryan, and his dad, and Carly, all behave seems quite random, almost robotic - they don't seem to respond in a realistic way.
Dialogue:
I think the dialogue is used appropriately, and is quite authentic.
Grammar and Mechanics:
The only grammatical error I noticed was an upper case "O" which should just be lower case, in the word "office" in the 4th paragraph from the end.
Suggestions:
I think reviewing the structure of the story so that the plot is clearer, and linking the characters more strongly with it, would really improve the story and bring out its full potential.
Hi the scribe, I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
I found this to be a beautiful, moving story - one I imagine many people and families could relate to.
Plot:
The plot flows readily, the here and now in the hospital room and the back story of the pregnancy and the way in which each parent reacts to the reality of their special baby is clear and easy to understand. I particularly liked your first line, it is an excellent hook which really drew me in and made me want to read more.
Style and Voice:
The style is quite narrative in nature, relating events and telling the reader how people feel. It feel it could be improved with more richness in terms of showing what happened, rather than telling.
Scene/Setting:
There is some descriptive detail around the setting of the hospital ward, but little relating to the scenes and settings around the pregnancy, the consultant's office, the labour ward etc. Some more description throughout, using all senses, would really make the story come to life.
Characters:
The reader is introduced to the characters through the descriptions of their reactions and emotions, and dialogue. I could relate to them well, and understand their motivations.
Dialogue:
The dialogue is well done, natural and believable.
Grammar and Mechanics:
There are a few grammatical errors. For example "could of" should be "could have" or "could've"; and "baby's" should be "babies".
Suggestions:
You use the technique of "showing not telling" well in a few places in the story, for example when the mother's mouth was too dry for the comforting words she wanted to say, the reader is shown, not told, the emotion she was feeling. I think the story would draw the reader in more and have greater emotional impact if you used this technique more throughout the story rather than "explaining" things. I'm sure there are quite a few articles on this site (I am a relative newbie so not sure exactly where these are) about how to do this.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is of course just one person's view, and I wish you all the best as you continue to write.
Hi Gabby, I found your story in the newbies review requests. I really enjoyed reading it - it is tender and emotional, uplifting, with beautiful sensory descriptions and realistic dialogue. The reader experiences with the characters the lovely feeling of warmth and relaxation that Elena felt on the park bench, the comings and goings of the medical staff, and James' anguish and fear. You are writing about a "universal" theme - of a couple who have begun to take each other for granted, who love each other but have forgotten to nurture their relationship, and only really realise this when they are at risk of losing it all - which makes it a story that people can really relate to.
I do have a suggestion for improvement, which is to be consistent with the tense. At the moment the story varies a lot between past and present tense. For example, in this section "The doctor seems optimistic and baffled. He says that it is a great sign that I am able to move my limbs in response to stimuli. Yet, at the same time he was dumbfounded by the fact I have been unable to wake up. Apparently my brain scans seem to be improving and there appears to be no permanent damage. There was no medical reason for my condition". The first and second sentences are in present tense, then the third is in a combination of present and past tense (he was dumbfounded;I have been unable to wake up) the fourth is back to present tense, and the last is in past tense. Earlier in the story, it is mostly told in past tense, but again there are occasional spots when it goes into present tense. Consistency in tense will make your story flow much better.
I hope this is helpful, and wish you well on your writing journey!
Hi Robert, this is an excellent story. I think you have used dialogue very effectively, and developed the characters well. I like the thoughts Dave has too. The plot is logical and easy to follow, and the story is easy to read. The ending leaves the reader well satisfied with the villain conquered and the slightly awkward Dave shown to be a truly brave hero. As a short story, it does what it is meant to do perfectly - I don't really see any ways in which it can be improved. Well done.
From a fellow newbie,
Peaches
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Overall Impression:
