Hello! I wanted to say I really did enjoy this piece. It grabbed me from the beginning and kept me reading. The tale isn't a new one, but you have done it in a way that makes the reader want to keep going. Your characters shine through and I feel as if I know them by the time I am done reading.
I might have to kill my computer. I did grammatical reviewing for you and it deleted it all. Mostly, look for run-on sentences. You have a lot of areas where you use commas and instead can make separate sentences. Or you can use semi-colons or colons.
Sometimes you also switch tense in mid-sentence; such as the character 'felt' and then 'feels'. As a reader I know it jarred me from the flow of the story.
This story held my interest until the very end. I really enjoyed it. I like how you ended with the second characters POV. I think it made for a perfect ending.
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