A practical view of a dying man's life that catches the reader's attention in the first three lines.
Mistakes/Slight Errors I've Found:
Mistake: That and the thoughts and images that keep coming into my mind.
Correction:Delete it? [Well, if you want to that is.]
Reason: It's not really a mistake, but I feel that it's unnecessary as you go on to talk about it in the following paragraphs.
Mistake: whooshing of the ventilator helping me breath that I know I am alive.
Correction:breathe, XD.
Mistake: I see pictures of the friends I had then when they were nineteen and twenty.
Correction: I see the friends...twenty.
Reason: I think it sounds better this way as when you say "pictures" the reader has to think a bit, discontinuing the smooth flow.
Mistake: And it's dull. Just the same beep...beep...beep. It's saying that my heart is still alive.
Correction: Just the same...saying that my heart is still beating.
Reason: I feel that it sounds better as one sentence rather than two. I also think "heart is still alive" sounds a little..well..wrong? My opinion, feel free to ignore!
Mistake: a long ways off.
Correction: a long way off [?]
Reason: I think that's the correct way to state it..
Mistake: One of the nurses is easy; she sniffles.
Correction: My guess is one of the nurses.
Reason: I feel it sounds better this way. XD
Mistake:It wasn't the sniffle nurse.
Correction: It couldn't have been the sniffle nurse.
Reason: When coming to this sentence, the reader feels like you have an omnipotent view of everything..XD [My opinion, solely my opinion!]
Mistake: So Edith and I always argued over how hot it should be in the house, and I would end up wearing sweaters.
Correction: Delete the so?
Reason: I think so adds an unfamiliar feel when placed at the start of this sentence.
On the whole, I found this a thought-provoking read! [You can choose to ignore my remarks, as most of them are based on personal feelings. XD]
Nicely written, taking both P.O.Vs into perspective. Each P.O.V is [haha - with the review you've given me, it is to be expected] brief, concise and to the point!
Description and imagery are plentiful. [Need I say more?]
The downtown city is a magnet
Drawing the workers in, those shoppers,
Tourists and vendors in, all persuasions
From every flavor in--panhandlers and
Beggars, derelicts, moguls, saint
And sinner, a caldron boiling hot
As the swirling Seasoned Stew of
Humanity in.
You've been--you, smaller now,
{though there's a slight mistake there. [you're smaller now]}
The constant use of imagery and feeling make this poem a very nice read!
You do struggle a little when it comes to keeping the rhyme, but, in the end, you manage it wonderfully! [For that I commend you, as I'm very bad with poetry. XD]
Mistakes/Slight Errors I've Found:
Mistake: And greeted him as if we have known each other
Correction: "And...had known each other."
Reason: You started off the stanza using past tense, yet continued into the present perfect. You can use past perfect in accordance with correct grammar, but present perfect strikes an off note.
Mistake: He greeted back though he stood stiff as a pillar
Correction:He greeted me back..
Reason: Greeted is a transitive verb.
Mistake: And I told him I have a problem so forward;
Correction: And I told him, "I have a problem" so forward;
Reason: Without the ""'s, it seems as if it's part of the verse - as in something you're trying to express.
Mistake: And I felt that that precious moment will end soon
Correction: And I felt that that precious moment would end soon
Reason: Will signifies a future action, and you're still talking about the past in this verse.
The use of vibrant colours and [I've said this too many times ] description makes this poem a wonderful read!
Your use of rythm [though not frequent] adds to the atmosphere of the poem.
Mistakes/Slight Errors I've Found:
Mistake: Irregular rythm?
Correction: You may have wanted to make the beat varied, but I feel that a consistent change would work well. -> It changes, and that's nice, but once it return to rhyming, it changes the scheme.
It is a very expressive poem, and the reader can imagine what you are talking of through your frequent use of imagery.
There is a smooth change from one emotion to another, and it is supported with examples.
[There is, although, a certain element that stagnates the flow so well thought through, and I'll point it out below.]
Some Slight Errors That I've Found:
"hurling and crashing it soars."
You're talking of two seperate entities, the sea and the wind, but your pronoun doesn't match that. I'd say hurling and crashing they soar but that's just me.
"lighting their way, she roars."
I feel that the use of "their" contrasts with the image already formed in the reader's mind [ie. the wind and water being beaten back by the dams]. I'd say lighting its way, she roars, but that's just me.
"her cries turned into pleas."
You've used present tense throughout the poem, so it comes as a surprise when you switch to past tense. I'd say her cries turn into pleas but that's just me.
"fueled by fire her anger grows"
I didn't understand how her anger could grow if she was crying for help in the previous stanza. [But, then again, I'm pretty dense when it comes to poetry .] I'd say fueled by fire does her anger grow but that's just me.
Another thing I've noticed is how the stanzas seem to be stretched. That seems to stagnate the rythm, and reduce the interest your poem incurs.
Since the last lines of each stanza always seem to pack more of a punch, I'd bolden them, to make the rythm stronger at the end. I think that it'd help..but that's just me. XD[/c}
I really liked this story. It seems as if everything you write is somehow philosophical, and this is no different. The grammar is impeccable [to my eye, and that's pretty much the joke = p], and the idea is grand.
I've just found a few things that I feel need correcting but, if you'd like to keep the story as it is, feel free to ignore my suggestions!
That’s what they were playing when Travis and Carrie Lena got to the roped off block that was reserved for dancing and watching dancing.
That's what they were playing when Travis and Carrie Lena arrived at the roped off block that was reserved for dancing. [I think it does fine w/o the additional bit of information, but that's just me.]
If you had a grape snow cone, you looked like you had a clown mouth, and if you had a lime snow cone you looked like you were about to die of jaundice and it was starting at your mouth.
..., and if you chewed a lime snow cone, you r mouth looked as if it was afflicted by the first stages of jaundice.
In the back of her mind she wondered how he expected to be treated, just how much reward did he expect for his gentlemanliness.
..just how much reward he expected for his chivalry.
“How can you like it too much? How can it be too good.”
Question mark after too good is required, and I feel that the point would strike harder if "too" was boldened.
Another thing is that the story seems to end while hanging off the side of a cliff. It needs more punch, and it needs more feeling. You could describe exactly how Carrie Lena felt, all the turmoil within her.
All in all, it was a very entertaining story. You can choose to disregard the comments you find useless, and take the others into account.
You are very good at writing, and should try and get your work published someday.
It deserves to be continued. It's crying for an ending, as what are good beginnings without endings? I suggest you continue. [Needs more precise vocab to pinpoint feelings, and also needs a quick spellcheck. Try ordering the paragraphs so that, when read, they all flow as they support the same idea. That flaw is very common. Only happened in the first paragraph though. = ) ]
It's pretty good, just you might want to add a little more description of you surroundings and use it to advantage your tone of writing. The grammar isn't too great though, and turning into an omniscient type narration will probably help your story along, and attract more readers. = ) I repeat ; Pretty good. = D
Worth a read - Really puts the joke on life! = D
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A practical view of a dying man's life that catches the reader's attention in the first three lines. 
Each P.O.V is [haha - with the review you've given me, it is to be expected] brief, concise and to the point!
You do struggle a little when it comes to keeping the rhyme, but, in the end, you manage it wonderfully! [For that I commend you, as I'm very bad with poetry. XD]
The way you include many perspectives keeps the reader entertained, and captivated. 
There is a smooth change from one emotion to another, and it is supported with examples. 
[There is, although, a certain element that stagnates the flow so well thought through, and I'll point it out below.]