I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item" . Thanks for entering!
Hello, Robin. Good use of the pantoum form. I know how difficult it is to compose a poem in this manner. You also did a great job capturing the spirit of Writing.com - how it inspires all of us to improve our writing.
Hi, Anastasia. I found your poem in your sister Katherine's blog; I can never resist a poem or story about the place which I so much want to visit!
I enjoyed your words very much, it is vivid and colorful. The rhythm and flow is good also. I believe that the word "Irelanders" is incorrect, that they refer to themselves as Irish.
The only suggestion I have for you is to think about changing the linking verbs to active verbs. In my opinion, that would improve the poem very much.
Overall, a wonderful poem and memory of your visit to the Emerald Isle.
hello, Khalish. I for one like the structure you've used to present your arguments. It is clear and well organized. Your information and conclusions are logical and I do agree with many of your assertions. I would suggest, however, that you do not use so many long quotes in your article. It should be more of your own words.
And your information on two points is faulty:
The very development of the US as a power is a chronicle of the brutal and systematic decimation of the original inhabitants, , the Mayas, Aztecs, Incas etc., and usurpation of their land.
The native inhabitants you mention did not live in the area that became the United States. The Aztecs were in Mexico, and the Incas and Mayas in South America.
[It is another thing that what they love most is their dollar and what they call war is really unilateral aggression, since history is witness that no armed aggression has ever been carried out by any other country against USA, forcing it to declare war in self defence.
This isn't accurate as the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor is what drew the United States into WWII. Up until that happened, our (official) positon was neutral.
All in all, I enjoyed this article. On the whole, it is well-thought out, adequately supported, and concludes logically.
I decided to drop into your port tonight, and of course had to see your bio first.
I very much enjoyed the way you describe your early years, but I do wish you would have shared a little more of your early adulthood also. You skipped over decades of your life and that makes me feel a little bit cheated.
I've long known you're a very interesting person, and am much anticipating reading more of your stuff and learning more of you.
Hi, Tobias. This is a pretty good story here. I like the plot of it, and the dialogue is great. The only major difficulty that I can see is that it leaves too many questions unanswered at the end. For something in the mystery genre, it's expected to explain all the mysterious circumstances that arise within the story. The ending left several questions in my mind, such as, did Joey only lose his voice after getting the lava lamp and what specifically happened that led to Joey speaking again?
In addition to that, I saw a few editing errors:
There's a few times in which your paragraphs have too few sentences. For example, in the paragraph beginning with: "Now, one morning..." you have only two sentences in the seven lines. I recommend you break these large sentences up into smaller ones for easier readability.
goeey - I think you intended "gooey" here?
cheeriness - I believe the correct word to use is "cheerfulness"
"he wouldn't call his teacher by their first name." - here you have a pronoun disagreement; a plural pronoun with a singular noun. Either make "teacher" plural or change the pronoun to singular form
"I've found myslef trapped inside it." - myself
"To me he does." - need a comma after "me"
Overall, it's a great beginning and I hope my suggestions help you in your revisions.
Given my views on Bush's language problems, I really, really got a kick out of this short story of yours.
It is very humorous and well-written. I have only two suggestions for improvement. In the first paragraph, I'm confused as to who Cheney is speaking to. At first I thought it was to Bush, referring to Jed as the "jackanapes." But then when you said "It's bad enough we have to let him in here when he addresses the nation." I began to suspect the "jackanapes" to be Bush. But if that's so, then who is Cheney speaking to?
Second suggestion: I recommend you add some kind of transition between the paragraph where Bush is speaking to a report and the one in which Cheney and Bush are at the Texas ranch. It was a little disconcerting how that jumped around there.
Hi, Diane! This is really great! I loved how you combined helpful hints to the site with an interesting and amusing short story!
Did you ever consider expanding this piece to include my helpful links to newbies?
I only noticed one error in this item, but it occurs a few times. Example: "I reached for the handle but the door opened before I could turn the knob." - You should have a comma after "handle."
An interesting article, you state your views clearly and eloquently. I appreciate how you cite your sources from where you get your information - too many people do not!
I have one question for you to reflect on, if you wish: In the four years that Bush has served as president, has abortion ceased? Has he succeeded in halting the "857,475 reported abortions" every year?
I think you will agree that he has not. And the reason is because he does not have the power to do so, no matter what his personal views may be. And as long as there are women who refuse to relinguish the semi-control over their own bodies that we have gained in the past century, it will never happen.
This is a very good philosophical statement. You express your ideas clearly and eloquently. It is a very interesting viewpoint, also. I'm not entirely sure that I agree with what you're saying here, but you've definitely given me much to think about.
I recommend that you double space between your paragraphs to improve readability.
This is another wonderful place to find things to do in Writing.com. I have discovered many outstanding contests here and entered several of them. I also post my own contests here, which I know have brought many people to my contests.
As with the Activities page, everyone should add this to their favorites.
This is an awesome place to come to for anyone who is wanting to find out what's going on around Writing.com and/or is looking for fun activities and contests. I've been visiting this page for awhile now, but did not rate or review it until now. I don't know why I didn't; must have got sidetracked by all those great links.
Everyone should add this page to their favorites and visit OFTEN.
Thanks, SM, for putting this item together for all of Writing.com.
I liked this poem about Aurora very much; it is beautiful and spiritual. The rhyme, rhythm, and flow of the poem are all well done. I do have two suggestion for you:
Regarding the line: "But over ends she can not win." - This confused me; I don't understand what you meant by "over ends"
Since your first three stanzas contain four lines each, I recommend that you make your final stanza have four also, rather than six.
Overall, this is a very nice, inspiring poem. I enjoyed reading this very much.
I saw this item and description of it on the Review Request page, and just HAD to read it, as I love cats, and have three of them myself. Well, actually four, but the fourth one refuses to step foot inside our home.
I enjoyed very much your account of how you added the third pet to your household. You've written it very well, and it maintains interest all the way through.
I didn't find any errors here. Good job!
I do have to say I disagree fervently with the following sentence:
Any cat worth his salt was a boy.
My four female cats would rebel if I did not protest that; and it's never good to anger one's "owner"
I liked this story a lot also. You're very skilled at creating just the right mood and atmosphere for a story of this kind. It is an interesting plotline, and the characters are engaging and believable.
My only suggestion to you is that you tend to get inside your characters' heads too much. It would be better if you let them tell us themselves what they are thinking. for example:
He felt like he was just getting over a bad spell of the flu: weak and unsteady, cold inside, listless, feverish.
Rather than you, the narrator, telling us this, let Luther tell how he feels.
Overall, this is an engaging first chapter, and I hope you continue with this novel.
Wow, this is some really great writing! Your story is intensely captivating; very deep and emotional. Your main character is well-developed, and easy to identify with.
I have a couple of editing suggestions for you:
You need to separate adjectives with a comma.
Double-spacing between paragraphs would make the story easier to read.
Overall, this is a very deep, psychological story. I enjoyed reading this very much.
I liked the theme of this poem very much! I loved the spiritual feeling of it; it is very inspiring.
I didn't find any errors in spelling or grammar. The only suggestion I have for you is that you might consider adding more vivid adjectives to the poem, that would help increase the visual imagery of the piece.
Overall, it's well-written and I enjoyed this poem very much.
This is a very beautiful, touching poem regarding your friend's illness. Your words express your feelings and her feelings very eloquently. It is also well-structured; I liked your series of rhyming couplets very much. You've done an excellent job crafting this poem.
This is an awesome story! You kept hitting me with surprise after suprise here! This is so well-written. You build up suspense extremely well, and keep throwing more unexpected twists at the reader. An amazing story! I'm fawning, but it really is an excellently-crafted story! I loved it!
I found a few errors:
"You can come in, dad." - Dad
"He wore tan kakis" - khakis
"a thin central spire" - need a comma to separate adjectives (you have this in other places also)
"whist completely ignoring her companion." - I think you mean "whilst"?
“Principle Snyder" - Principal
“You’re hand is cold,” - Your
"I could given it to you." - have given
"The resident students looked attentive," - need a semicolon here, not a comma
"who no one cares about" - whom
Overall, this is just a wonderful, suspenseful story. When you change those grammar errors, please let me know so I can give this story the 5 star it most assuredly deserves!
This is a very beautiful, touching poem you've composed here. It makes me think of a lullaby, a rather sad lullaby, but a lullaby all the same. The flow and rhythm of the lines has a very melodious quality to it. It is very well-written - I loved the visual imagery you evoke here. Great job!
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goeey - I think you intended "gooey" here?
cheeriness - I believe the correct word to use is "cheerfulness"
"he wouldn't call his teacher by their first name." - here you have a pronoun disagreement; a plural pronoun with a singular noun. Either make "teacher" plural or change the pronoun to singular form
"I've found myslef trapped inside it." - myself
"To me he does." - need a comma after "me"
He felt like he was just getting over a bad spell of the flu: weak and unsteady, cold inside, listless, feverish.