Wow, I love this... you've conveyed the story so well, it flows so well, it reads almost like a song, which I love in poetry... Too many people forget the lesson of this and judge others by standards that they don't live up to themselves, and hopefully everyone who reads this will really think what they can learn from it.
(P.S. Good idea including the original bible passage at the end)
Wow, this is really clever, I love the idea of the last 2 or 3 lines, really creative thinking! I like how it can be read a few different ways, almost... often, when I see a really short poem, I'll think "what's the point of that?!" but I really enjoyed this one
This is a really intriguing beginning... it really makes me wonder what the victims have done, or who they are, to have been chosen to suffer for things that happened 700 years ago.
In terms of style, it does move rather quickly through the events, which I think is probably necessary for a dramatic scene, but it does feel rather like a sequence of factual statements, rather detached... I wonder if the scene may work better from people's viewpoints rather than just having a few people who get brief mentions...
But overall, a good start and I look forward to seeing where you take this.
This is awesome, my only complaint is it's too short and you need to write more :P I love the style, the way it moves along, and you put all the info in without it seeming like an info dump, but at the same time, I knew reading every line I was going to get another juicy snippet of information. I like the way she'd been thinking she could always fall back on him if she didn't find anyone else, and had been taking that for granted, and it took him not being there for realising she actually wanted him and he was more than just a safety net.
The only thing I would say is that if you continue it, I'd include her name somewhere, as I find it easier to identify with a character if they have a name.
A good solid start - I think this could be the basis for something longer if you wanted to develop the story and the characters.
Some things I've noticed:
First paragraph - I'm not sure about that first line, I think it'd be better worded a different way, partly to be less blunt, but also because from the sequence that follows, "last few breaths" is not literally true, the scene goes on for too long afterwards. I know it's nitpicking, but it did throw me. Also, I think "near her" would be better if replaced by something like "beside her" or "by her side".
Second paragraph - "sat by the open window" - if the bed is right next to the window, you could do with describing the room in more detail if you expand this, or if it's not right next to the window, you may want to phrase it more along the lines of facing the window. I think the next sentence would sound better if it was "as she weakly kept her eyes open" instead of and.
Fifth paragraph - to me, the word sadly is unnecessary... maybe make it one sentence and link with but.
Sixth paragraph - after the speech, I'd word it differently - something like she whispered, just as the sun started to rise from beyond the horizon, sending its rays to light up her face
Must stress that this is all just my opinion! I do think, though, that if you are a bit less literal with some of the word choices and add in some extra detail so the scene moves slower, it will be a lot more emotional. Adding in detail would help hugely - some description, and maybe the odd little detail about the characters, how they met, how long they've been together, what Eliza's illness is. The scene could easily be three times the length without rambling.
And talking of rambling, I definitely am! If you edit this, let me know, and I'll have another look, and will happily re-rate if you've developed it's potential :)
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