Hi,
You have conveyed the situation in electronic/digital terms. You have explained the feelings and emotions in detail.
May be it is sometimes better to keep the PC closer.
"Like a computer, I run better when I'm cold.
Like a computer, I may never grow old."
You may take out "Like a computer from these lines. Still you would convey the message.
I liked the following stanza:
"No one can find it, if I encrypt the sector it's on.
For all they know, the smile is here, and the pain is gone.
Only a hacker can get at my heart.
Only a hacker can tear my secrets apart."
You have given a checklist to confirm whether you are in Love. It makes sense to me. Love, should make you mad in joy and excitement to such an extent that it is your own world. You have given your thoughts with respect to the nature. It is very nice.
I liked the second stanza. The best thing to have in a relationship, is to enjoy the company of each other. As you grow old, it helps to enjoy life.
You have come up with the list of things that matter in life.
I liked the following lines:
"Lovers
May fade
My love
Will be true"
I completely agree with it. Love is always true. Every line in the poem made me to think that I should try to be better and live life so that I will leave something worthy behind me.
I really enjoyed reading your poems. Yes, the bird will continue to sing. Fortunately there are few things in the nature which will continue to be the same. You have put them into a nice poem. I liked the second stanza of your poem. It is an eye-opener to all those out there who are depressed. As you have mentioned, the existence of the bird in the next moment itself is a question mark, still it sings.
I have few suggestions
1) "Fires consume all the earth": Please replace "consume" with some other word which would be more poetic.
2) "Its nest may be taken in the night": Please replace "taken" with some other word.
Read out your poem and find out which lines can be rephrased, I am sure you can make it better.
The fifth stanza in your poem where you talk about lies. It is very true that love is one of the words misused so much. It is like a license to do many things or an excuse to escape from many things. But it can also be in a different way. The person would have loved in reality but had to leave for some valid reason. Then the love was not a lie but the situation happened due to some constraint.
How did it make me feel
The anger is clearly conveyed through the lines of the poem. The way you have mentioned "I was the only one you wanted" is really good. One thing which mattered the most once just becomes the one of least importance. Life is so tricky.
Suggestions
Try to rephrase the line "You have to tell me you loved me" to make it stronger and tighter to show the anger.
Overall Impression You have successfully portrayed the anger of lost love. Still you can work on it to make it convey the intensity of anger.
"A cruel, exacting justice
Karma=ego stripped of armor"
Suggestions
I got a bit confused, I could not make out whether it is death as mentioned in the first line of the fifth stanza or a mere fracture. I think you can make it a bit clear in the poem.
Overall Impression I liked the rhyming in the stanzas. The words are fitting in to the lines and not forced in. The only thing I would like to point out is to make the message clear in the poem so that anyone can understand.
It is so true that we all must move on. I like the rhyming in the last four lines of the poem. You have brought up a good thought through this poem. You may try to include rhyme in the other lines of the poem as well. It will make it more beautiful.
"I wasted away on a love that was'nt true." This is really sad.
Try to write the following line in a different way: by replacing told: "he told me he loved me"
It is a very pleasant manner of writing a love letter. I like the last five lines of your poem. The thought that a partner will make the romantic and spiritual aspects of life meaningful is really a good one. The role of a partner in the spiritual well being is very important. I like the choice of words, "His soothing presence".
It is a good poem about poems. It is as interesting as movie about movies.
I love to read rhyming poems, It gives a good feel when you read it out loud. And you have chosen the words so nicely to rhyme. The starting of the first two lines and the second two lines of the first stanza with the same word is also good. Technically also, it is flawless.
I liked the following line:
"Unforced rhyme and meter making ideal company"
The last four lines of the poem. Somehow I am in love with the maze and it is one of the best ways to depict helplessness, confusion and uncertainty or an endless pain.
How did it make me feel
The loss in love, I am sure everyone would be able to relate to this. You have drawn the imagery of the state of the character very well.
Overall Impression It is a very nice poem about Lost Love. Everything about the poem is there at the right place.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 10:08am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
