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Review of Berserk  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Here's my second review. Haha, yeah, I think I would hate that job this much too. This story has a great dreamy feel to it that you pulled off nicely, well done.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Actually, I don't really see anything wrong with the piece. It could maybe use some more suspense, but since it's a flash fiction piece, it's understandably quick the way it is.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A great, dreamy story with a creepy clown that I actually felt a little bit for. Hopefully the guy gets a better job. I hear Mcdonalds is hiring *Wink*. Thanks for the entertaining reads buddy. And by the way, the email you sent me about the contest is a great idea. We'll talk about it more as we get closer to October. Take care.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Rush Week  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Hey Jeff, great set-up for a story. Talk about a fraternity recruitment gone bad. Thank God I'm not joining one.

As always, you kept a lot of suspense in this piece, and I read right through it without stopping. Nice job.

*Check4*The Not So Good

I have to admit, I felt a little dissapointed by the ending. To me it seemed the most obvious, so I was kind of hoping that you would do something different. Plus, I'd love to know why he was buried alive, that could have been interesting to see.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Great job.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A tense story with a great set-up, but a small let down in the end. Either way, it was a fun read and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for entering!

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Jeff, really nice work man! You did a nice job of builing up Carmen in such a short time, I really felt for her when the VERY unexpected plot twist shows up, and then the next VERY unexpected plot twist. And I loved the last line:

Where they had once waited impatiently for her to come home, they now waited for her to get to work.

Great closing line. Well done.

*Check4*The Not So Good

I thought it was a little too short, but that's okay, it worked. Also, instead of reffering to her as Dr. Esposito, it should be Carmen. It's just easier to read.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A well written story with great plot twists and a fantastic last line. Good luck in the contest man, hope to see you enter this week since I'm judging.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of The Perfect Job  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Red, I had some time and thought I'd check out your entry.

*Check4*The Good

Your vampire, (if that's what he is), seems very interesting, and I really want to get to know him more, so you did a good job with that.

*Check4*The Not So Good

However, the plot of the story is a little predictable. I think this might be because I know horror so well, and the basic body in the morgue plot is the body belonging to a vampire, so I wasn't all that surprised when Isaac finds a corpse stitching itself up.

There is also a lack of description in the piece. I can see the scene well, but you need to provide aspects of the story for the other senses. Here's an example:

Sitting on the edge of a table was the dead man that had come in earlier. But he clearly wasn’t dead, despite what he looked like. In the hands of the much abused and injured body was a needle and thread, and it was attempting to sew up a very large gash cut into his chest

I can see this all perfectly, but I wanted to know what it sounds like, what does Isaac feel when he sees this, etc. It's a scene which has the potential to really pull the reader in and disturb them, but it needs that extra bit.

A few moments of silence followed the sound of the dead body falling to the floor, followed by sounds of wincing

This is another example. What does wincing sound like? What does the dead body falling to the floor sound like? Does it thud? Splat? Does it make a wet sound? Does blood come dribbling out of it when it hits the floor? These are all extra details which can add a lot to a story when put in the right places.

*Check4*Editorials

He knew that the company he kept these late nights wasn’t going to make any demands of them.

"them" should be "him".

Too soon he frighteningly close to the man

This sentence is a little confusing.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A story with a very interesting character, but which needs some work in really pulling the reader into the story and putting them there. Good luck in the contest, hope to see an entry from you this round which I'll be judging.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Bad Carnitas  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Jeff, thanks for entering In the Darkness! Here's what I thought:

*Check4*The Good

Those were some pretty bad carnitas. Yikes! Remind me not to eat anything in Mexico...ever.

You gave some pretty vivid, gruesome descriptions, and of course expressed your descricptive writing talent.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Two things though: The story was a little predictable, as in I knew almost just from the title that we would see some sort of stomach rupturing, but then I didn't really expect the worms, so it's not a big deal.

There wasn't really any character in the piece though. Ashley could flail and be eaten alive all she wanted, I didn't really care, and as we know, you have to have characters the reader connets to make a REALLY impactful horror story. I think the problem could easily be solved in this piece though, if we're given just a little more time with Ashley, and get to know her a little better.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed, as usual with your work. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A grotesque, fun horror piece with great description, but lacking in character.

I feel I should mention to. Do you like Graham Masterton? He has a book called Night Warriors that deals with strange eel worms that impregnate women and burst out of them, (actually the story is a lot more complicated than that), but I think you would really like it, so check it out if you ever get a chance.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Danika  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Tim, thanks for entering In the Darkness! Here's what I thought:

*Check4*The Good

I really liked the unexpected twist at the end with the mysterious mist creature...thing haha. Not sure what else to call it *Wink*. But you did take the story in a different direction than I thought it was going, which was good.

*Check4*The Not So Good

To be honest, I never really felt any suspense in the story. I didn't care for either of the characters at all, and so the entire time when I thought Danika was going to be killed by this guy, I didn't really care. The writing itself was good, but it just felt like there needed to be more characterization so that I could really connect with these characters and feel more for them when the horror happens.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A great twist towards the end, but lacking in characters which the reader can connect to.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Daver, thanks for entering In the Darkness. Here's what I thought:

*Check4*The Good

Wow. You really impressed me. Vampires of course are not a good source for original stories, but you did something a little different with this one. I really enjoyed it.

From the moment Jonas opens the door to Henry and his son holding a gun, you had me hooked. The dialogue between the two men was fantastic, especially when the talk of the barn and wanting to know what's inside. I wanted to know to!

I had a pretty good idea that Julia would escape, and even though I was right, the end was still very satisfying. Nice job.

*Check4*The Not So Good

My only criticism is a small one: Your character names are a little cliche, such as Applegate and Cobb, etc. I know you can do better than that. You're shown me a hell of a creative talent.

Also the line, "you have to have faith" has become a little cliche, but you saved it with the two lines that come after.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Great job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A fun, thrilling read that left me wanting more, but with a few cliches which can be easily cleared up.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Bill, thanks for entering In The Darkness! Here's what I thought:

*Check4*The Good

I absolutely love the concept for this piece. A burning world, the apocalypse, with vampires luring people down to their dungeaons. Very cool idea.

I also enjoyed the wit of this piece, made me crack a smile a few times.

*Check4*The Not So Good

I felt like so much more could be done with this piece. You have a great concept here, something which deserves a heavy plot and well developed characters, etc., but because it's so short, it never really get's it's chance. I didn't care when Treduea died, and I didn't really care what happened to Clayburn either. We hardly get to know these two at all before the story is over with. This is just my opinion, but I think this story has much greater potential if you expand on it.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job man.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A great concept with a good mix of humor and horror, but with characters I hardly cared for and what seems like a plot begging to be something more.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of The River  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Hey man, I had a moment so I thought I'd check out your story you mentioned *Wink*. I really liked it. Until Danny gets to the river, I had no idea what was happening, and the mystery/good writing pulled me further and further. I think this is well deserving of the award it carries.

*Check4*The Not So Good

The only thing I really noticed is this:

The first thing Danny’s aware of is the smell. The awful, acrid stench of smoldering rubber invades his nostrils, bringing him around. His eyes flutter open and he struggles to focus. As the haze clears from his vision, he assesses his surroundings.

You did the script thing again! Haha I know it can mess you up when writing a script at the same time as a story, but you have to stop that man *Smile*.

*Check4*Editorials

He flipped on his bright lights, but that made it

Just being nitpicky, but it sounds better if you say "brights" instead of "bright lights".

where the windshield used to be, careful not to cut himself of the shattered glass

"of" should be "on".

“Where are you taking her???”

It's a personal thing, but I had overexxagerated sentences with a bunch of question/exclamation marks. Plus, I'm told editors will kill you for this, so you should probably stick with just one my friend.

*Check4*Overall Impression

An enthralling, mysterious read that captures the reader and doesn't let go. Great work Jeff.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Kotaro, thanks for entering the Necronomicon!

*Check4*The Good

Zombie Destruction Derby Bowling Club

Now that's a title! Haha talk about thinking outside of the box. This story definately deserves some credit for being creative. When I made the prompt, I certainly didn't expect to see anything like THIS *Smile*.

*Check4*The Not So Good

As a horror story though, I don't think this works. I never felt any fear, panic, or worry for the characters, and I don't think my heart increased even a little. Which isn't to say the story wasn't good, it just wasn't really what could be considered "horror".

*Check4*Editorials

Three knobbly fingers dug into the ball and lifted it chest high.

Pretty sure "knobbly" should be "knobby".

*Check4*Overall Impression

A VERY creative story which is just lacking in that suspense which a horror story lives off of. Thanks for entering man, the winner should be posted soon. And check out Socalscribes prompt for this round, I think it should get some fun entries *Smile*.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Ritual  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Thanks for entering the Necronomicon!

*Check4*The Good

I'm not sure if you meant for this or not, but I loved the theme of sex as joining a new group, one which is both pleasurable and violent. That was pretty impressive.

You also give some great, brutal description towards the end, with quick pacing that almost makes the reader feel breathless. Nice job.

*Check4*The Not So Good

The only problem here is that some of the story feels kind of cliche, like the couple making out, the farmhouse, etc etc. It's not really a big deal, but it also makes it easier for a well read horror fanatic (i.e. me {e:smile), to guess the ending to the story.

Other than that, the writing is fantastic, as always *Wink*.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Great job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A clever story which is brought down a little by a few cliche scenarios, but overall a good read. Thanks for entering man, the winner will be posted in a bit.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!{e:wink}

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Bill, I've been wanting to check this one out. I liked it so much I'm posting it in the groups review forum.

*Check4*The Good

There's so much I like about this story, let me think where to begin...

I like the clever story with a story angle. It's not something I see very often in reading, or really at all for that matter, and it worked really well.

This piece also contains a strong dose of horror. With abused children, villainous relatives, rape, murder, etc, I found my eyes widening more and more towards the end of the story. That only happens when I'm really surprised or really enjoying a story. It was both with this one *Wink*.

I think what I enjoyed most is the way you developed Carolinas character. Her's is a sad story right from the moment when she is born, and she is turned into a murderer only through her abuse. The reader is left to wonder, what would she have been like if none of this had happened to her, and it's that curiosity, that caring, that means you did a great job. If I didn't care about the characters, then I wouldn't have cared about the story.

*Check4*The Not So Good

There's only one thing I can say, and it's more of an attempt just to find something to suggest than it really is pointing out something that needs to be fixed. It isn't a problem, at least not to me since I never once found myself taken out of the story, but there is some passive voice that I noticed which could easily be removed. Take for example:

I was able to see the small frail skeleton lying beneath it.

To remove the passive voice, you could simply say, "A small, delicate skeleton laid beneath the boards." By doing this, the line sounds more personal in a sense, and therefore becomes more powerful.

You've read my stuff though, so you know I'm being a hypocrite. I have plenty of passive voice in my work. It sneaks in easy, and it's hard to get out *Smile*.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A fantastic horror story which I found to be both unique and unnerving. Great job, Bill.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Done  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Bill, I saw your post in the forum, so I thought I'd take a look.

*Check4*The Good

Very pleasantly violent, if that's possible, and pretty creepy at some points. The pacing is perfect, and I loved your quick, violent descriptions. Well done.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Something about the last line bothers me. The entire piece is scary and revolting, and then you have that technical last line about him dying at a certain angle. It's not a fault on your part, but it bothered me personally.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A creepy flash that works its way into your guts and gives them a squeeze. Great job Bill, I enjoyed it and wish it was longer! *Wink*

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Human Dysfunction  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Sarah, what's up?

*Check4*The Good

You know I love this poem. It flows perfectly. I have no idea how it could be made better.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Nothing. I love it!

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed.

*Check4*Overall Impression

Great, passionate poem that doesn't miss a beat. Nice job *Wink*.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of I Woke Up  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Jack, thanks for entering. Glad to have you here.

*Check4*The Good

You have some great vivd descriptions in the piece, along with sorrowful characters. It reads like one long nightmare, which made for an interesting piece.

exploring it thoroughly, and seeing clothing on the floor, a mirror on the wall, a computer on my desk, a television in the corner, and a body hanging from the door post.

I especially liked this line, because the dead body comes as such a shock. You strategically placed it in the middle of the paragraph so that the reader has to say, "whoa, wasn't expecting that". Nice Job.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Though I understand why you did it, because the characters represented each of the demons through their sins, I felt that there was way too much description of each of these characters pasts, and it really slows down the story.

In a novel, this is acceptable, because you have a limitless amount of words at your disposable. But in a short story, this isn't the case. You want as little extra detail as possible to keep your readers moving through the story, frantically turning page after page to get to the end. When there's too much description of things which aren't necessary to the plot, the pacing slows down, which causes the reader to slow down. Here's an example:

My mother’s intense desire for sexual gratification was her contribution to the dysfunctionality of our family. Her mother died giving birth, and growing up without a mother obviously warped her mind.

This is an uneeded paragraph. Though it's an important character detail, we don't need to know WHY jack's mother is warped. All that's important in the short story is that she is who she is, not the why, because we're not meant to feel sorry for her at the end, therefore, we don't need to know why she's like this.


*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

An interesting story with unexpected moments, but which could use a bit of cutting down.

Thanks for entering Jack, and good luck. Hope to see you in future rounds.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of A Ghost Story  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Indiana, thanks for entering my contest. Glad to have you.

*Check4*The Good

I didn't expect the twist with David being dead at all. The story mislead me to believe that this would be a typical ghost story, with David finding out that Angela was actually dead, so I didn't see it coming. Whether this was intentional or not, it worked, and it worked well, so nice job *Smile*.

*Check4*The Not So Good

What I didn't like about this story is that it seems very technical, as in I don't feel like I get to know the characters. We're told everything they do from a distant point of view, but we never really get inside the characters; we never go through their emotions.

In horror, it's important to make your characters seem as real as possible, because if they don't feel real, then the reader doesn't care about what happens to them. For horror to be effective, we have to feel the same horror as the characters, and we can only do that through a deep connection to the character.

Not to say this isn't something which can be worked on. There are many ways to work on characterization, all of which work on some level. I'm no expert as I'm not a professional writer myself, but what I seem to think helps is before you write a story, map out your character. Think to yourself, what does my character like, what do they not like, what would they do in this situation, etc.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed. Nice job!

*Check4*Overall Impression

A fun ghost story with a clever twist, but in need of deeper characters.

Thanks for entering Indiana, and good luck. I hope to see you in further rounds *Smile*.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of I Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey Coyote, thanks for entering my contest, glad to have you!

*Check4*The Good

I really liked the frantic writing style of the journal. It pulls you into the character and in a way makes you feel their fear. Nice job with that.

I also liked how you mention that the videotape has been conviscated. Good mysterious touch.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Stories like this are often begging for description and more of an emphasis on plot. There really isn't anything particularly new to the story, which, despite the well done writing style and use of words, brings the story down a notch, at least in my opinion.

*Check4*Editorials

Haha well, the story is full needed edits, but that's the point, so I won't mention a thing.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A fast paced, well written story, but lacking in that overall allurement that is needed by short stories.

Thanks for your entry, and good luck in the contest. I hope to see you next round.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review of Fatally Yours  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Hey, so I thought I'd drop by your port like you asked. I'm glad I did. This may or may not have been intential, but there's something pretty smart to this story in that, you presented a terrible cliche, the woman writing in a diary without mentioning that she's in a mental institution, which completely drew me away from noticing that that wasn't the twist and that she's writing letters to a dead man that she killed! I thought that was pretty good, and very unexpected, at least for me.

I also liked the characters nasty, random swtich from being kind to violent to kind again. Good, creepy use of narration.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Really, there's nothing right off the top of my head that I can say I didn't like about this piece. At some points, the dialogue felt a little unrealistic, but for the most part it's pretty solid. Nice job.

*Check4*Editorials

None I noticed.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A quick horror story with a clever twist, but could maybe benefit with a rewrite here and there. Great work and thanks for inviting me to your port, I'm glad I went *Wink*.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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19
19
Review of The Guesthouse  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and in no way reflect on your writing itself

Hey man, just checked out your story, here's what I thought:

*Check4*The Good

You did a great job of setting up the mystery story and making me wonder what could have possibly happened to the girls. I was thinking ghosts, inhuman killers, portals, etc., and I always think it's fun when a story has such a power of intrigue to do that. Nice job.

Antonia had always been the type of girl who had quality friends, rather than quantity friends.

I thought this was a great way to describe her character.

He used the knife to slowly begin cutting away her T-shirt.

What a chilling last line. I can guess what her summer is going to be like, and it's pretty unpleasant. Poor, poor Antonia.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Just a couple things I noticed:

Hillary follows the student and joins dozens of others who have gathered under one of the television screens, watching a news report.

There's one area in the story where all of it written like this, a screenplay style. Haha I'm not sure if it's all of the script reading you've been doing, but sadly I was taking out of the story during these paragraphs because I couldn't get over the drastic switch of tense. I'd suggest definately going through and changing it up a bit.

I also thought it was a little unlikely that Mr. Kearns wouldn't be caught, since he's the owner of the building and at least three girls have dissapeared, but, it's a horror story, and as a horror writer/reader I know you have to suspend disbelief sometimes with horror.

Other than that though the piece was great.


*Check4*Editorials

But as finals approached, available study areas became more and more scare,

"scare" should be "scarce".

*Check4*Overall Impression

A fun, quickly turning unsettling horror story that just needs a bit of touching up to be one great piece of work. Nice job and good luck in the contest man! Make sure to post this at the forum and see what the others have to say, our little group of dark horror friends *Wink*.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An inspiration to my own contest, and one which I think every horror writer will jump to enter. Leaving the word count and prompt so open should allow for everyone to let their creativity flow as much as possible. Thanks for the great contest, Adriana.

From the Abyss,

-Matt

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21
21
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Thanks for entering my contest Rob! It was a pleasure reading your story, you're a talented writer.

Where do I begin? First off, I loved the dramatic touch between the two characters. They are both three dimensional, real human beings that I felt pain and loss for, something which I think belongs in horror, so it's always great to see it in a morbid sort of way.

I also loved your descriptions of the creatures, which as far as I'm concerned are completely original. The idea of them carrying the ashes of the narrators wife into his mouth were pretty unnerving.

I also think you did a great job of creating terror in this story. Many scenes are creepy, thrilling, and horrifying. One line also gave me a chill:

They offered condolences for my wife, but explained how earthquakes had ways of burying the dead so no one could ever find them

I thought about how this could be an answer to what happens to people in earthquakes, and it was a pretty unsettling thought. Thanks for that *Wink*. Well done.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Really nothing that I noticed. A few parts could probably use a little more rewriting and added/less description, but other than that this is great.

*Check4*Editorials

The clicks where coming from where Simone lay.

"where" should be "were".

Only traces of black smoke fading into the darkness showed were they had been

"were" should be "where".

*Check4*Overall Impression

A great, chilling story with passionate characters and a satisfying ending. Really a superb read. Thanks for entering the contest, the winner will be posted later tonight. Check out this rounds prompt and upgraded prizes, hope to see you there. Good luck, take care, and keep on writing!

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

Your friend from the Abyss,

-Matt

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22
Review of True Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Hey man, thanks for entering the contest! Really clever story, I enjoyed it a lot. You have such a smooth flow with words that I feel like I fly right through your prose.

I loved this line:

although neither the shrink nor I had the fortitude to go over exactly what I had done to my sister's two beautiful eight-year-old girls, before reuniting them with their older brother.

Horror is always better when it's left to the imagination, and I liked that instead of giving gruesome details here, you left it up to me to imagine what I would see being done. It made it much more terrifying.

This story also has some good characterization and a nice twist at the end. Like I said, it was pretty clever, and I think your touch of drama worked.

*Check4*The Not So Good

Nothing that I noticed.

*Check4*Editorials

None.

*Check4*Overall Impression

Clever horror story that fit the prompt perfect. You never know who...or what anyone is *Smile*. Thanks again for entering, the winners will be posted in a couple days. Take care man.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

Your friend from the Abyss,

-Matt

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23
Review of Fire to Ashes  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

This was a pretty interesting story. My favorite part about it was the poetic sense that it seems to have. The dialogue between the characters flows smoothly, almost like a poem, so that aspect of the story I really enjoyed, it made it different.

*Check4*The Not So Good

I had a problem connecting with the main character and really feeling any sort of suspense. I felt like an element of fear could have been added to the story. Other than that though, it works the way it is.

*Check4*Editorials

None that I found.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A different concept with wonderful dialogue. I enjoyed it, so thanks for the read *Smile*. Take care.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

Your friend from the Abyss,

-Matt

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24
Review of The Eye  Open in new Window.
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

Wow what a strange story, but so good! Every scene taking place after Munroe crashes into the casino was literally breathtaking, one great surprise after another. The demons are unexpected, and your descriptions of Scot eating Munroe's heart were great! Which by the way, interesting name choice, Darling Munroe, I liked it.

Great job Bill, this piece really impressed me.

He could see miles of colored streetlights choked by vines of electric wire and hanging down like blossoming fruit from right-angled trees of steel and metal.

I also thought that was a great line, a vivid description which I've never read before.

*Check4*The Not So Good

As I said, most of the piece was great, but there were some parts I found to be either a bit confusing or slow. For instance, the flip flops between time were a bit disorienting, but I think in the end it all makes sense, so it's not a big issue.

She moved toward him in a herky-jerky,

I also thought this line was a little hokey for a horror piece such as this. It inspired a laugh, which I'm not sure it was meant to, so you might try coming up with a different description than that, I know you have the great descriptive power to *Smile*.

*Check4*Editorials

Just a few:

There was a mean streak in him that made him to do things in his life that even the most despicable of men would not be proud of.

"to do" sounds a little awkward in that line. Take the "to" out.

When the worse of it was over, and Darling felt a semblance of normality,

"worse" should be "worst".

of quarters dropped into the tray with a loud repeitive ‘ka-ching-

I think you meant "repetitive", just missing the t *Wink*.

*Check4*Overall Impression

Fantastic story, with an interesting concept of hell and how we get there. Couple with some gut wrenching descriptions and creative twists, this was a great horror read. Thanks again for another entertaining story. Take it easy Bill.

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

Your friend from the Abyss,

-Matt

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25
Review by M. R. K Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Cool*Hi, my names Matt. I noticed your story on WDC and thought I'd give you my view on it! Remember, these are just my opinions on your story and no way reflect on your writing itself

*Check4*The Good

There are some fantastic descriptions here. For example:

Mouth slowly parting to reveal a large serpent-like tongue as it's fetid breath seeps between puss stained lips.

I could clearly see the creature you described vividly in my mind. You did a great job with that.

*Check4*The Not So Good

I didn't really feel a lot of tension in the story, almost as if the whole thing was a long description of the creature, but like I said before, you pulled that off very well so I don't think it's too much of a concern. And again, it's just my opinion *Smile*.

*Check4*Editorials

Nothing, it all looks perfect.

*Check4*Overall Impression

A good, quick read with great descriptions. I'm curious to read some of your longer work, so I'm sure you'll hear from me again sooner or later. Take care and good luck in the contest!

*Exclaim*Remember, you are the best judge of your own work! These are just my opinions, and as I always say, I could very well be wrong!*Wink*

Your friend from the Abyss,

-Matt

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