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Review of ...and Fred.  Open in new Window.
Review by Holly M Roddam Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ken,

This is a cute look back at childhood :) Good images and rhymes. Sometimes the rhythme could have been a little smoother, but you could probably do that pretty easily by rearranging the words or dropping a word that is "extra" and not really necessary.
e.g. "I like the times we snuggle and read our favorite books instead..." could be "I like the times we snuggle reading favorite books instead..."

You can fit what you have in there, but it might take a time or two of "practice", where the other is more easily read in the flow.

There were a couple other spots like that too:

"At six o'clock Daddy comes home. He lifts me high into the air." You could lose a couple syllables here too. It took me a few tries to get it to come out correctly, but it really doesn't fit the previous verses' rhythme. Maybe something like, "At six o'clock when Dad comes home and lifts me in the air".

The last rhythme "problem" was "At bedtime I get my jammies on and then we say our prayer." This isn't as difficult as the others to read, but something like "At bedtime with my jammies on and when I've said my prayer" flows better. You don't have to work it as much.

There was a real sense of mystery building with each verse - who or WHAT! is Fred!!?? I was glad it was just your Teddy Bear :) That is so true of children. Their Teddy's go everywhere with them and they get quite the wear and tear!

I know my own Teddy was one-legged and eyeless with a couple major holes in his sides so his stuffing was coming out before he FINALLY got retired!

There were a couple lines that I didn't really understand:

"under covers to our head" I know you were trying to get to "...and Fred" and I got the under cover part, but the "to our head" was unclear. Were you covered to your head (as opposed to your neck?) I had to really work at understanding because I was thinking about the giggles, and they did not go together for me!

"put up" Did you mean to say "pick up"? It was a construct that I wasn't used to except for "putting up the pictures". Maybe you could separate the toys and pictures and say something like "I make my bed, pick up my toys,
hang pictures that I drew."

Well, I hope this has been helpful and not too much "correction". I really like your poem, I just get distracted by rhythmes and timing! (I am a poet and singer/songwriter - that's my excuse :)

I look forward to seeing if any of these ideas were useful to you :)

Peace and Love,
Holly M. <><

P.S. if you would like to return the favour, you can leave feedback on my "poem in progress" called "Little Child of God and Spiritual Fruit"
By: Holly M Roddam http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1573...
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Review of Sisters  Open in new Window.
Review by Holly M Roddam Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I liked that your sister is an inspiration and encouragement to you.
The first time I read through it, I stumbled over the meter of the 2nd line. You might take out "have to" and just say "I tell her the truth 'cus she knows when I lie" to make it smoother.

Remember in poetry you can say things in a way that you might not usually talk, so you could say "She is the light by which I see when all others seem dim" (no ' in others BTW), again to make it smoother in the reading.

This poem leaves me wanting to know more about your sister. You might want to expand on this poem.

Thank you for sharing about a good relationship :)

Peace and Love,
Holly M. Roddam
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