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Public Reviews
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Review of The forest of now  Open in new Window.
Review by Hausa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hey,

Nice story. I found a lot of the typos for you but I'll only highlight a few of them below:

Should be: He moves his head slowly, scanning his surroundings.

Should be: The fox dashed through the forest. (end sentence there)

Should be: He came through to a large open area that gave its space to a multitude of strange structures. (end sentence there).

Should be: He turned and saw creatures unknown to him speaking in a foreign tongue.

Should be: The fox stopped heaving as his panic wore.

Should be: The feline chuckled as she fixed a paw in front of the fox.

There are actually many more typos but most of them are very obvious so you should be able to pick up on them yourself.

Also, use adverbs sparingly. They don't really describe an action in all cases. Much of the time describing the actions is much better than using an adverb and leaving the work up to the reader to decide what "nimbly" looks like, or what "comfortably" looks like. Thanks for the read. Keep writing and read as much as possible.
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Review of Young Angus  Open in new Window.
Review by Hausa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story has very good pacing. I like how you took the time to develop the character Leo in this story. The plot and the basics of a really good story are all there.

There are a few issues though. The dialogue needs work. What really helps me is to write dialogue that is so specific to that character and the way they think and speak that it couldn't come out of anyone else mouth. Obviously, this doesn't always apply but it does help some.

The one part of the story that I take issue with is the phone conversation between Leo and Grace. It just doesn't sound natural. Also there's no use of exclamation marks. I can tell she's angry by her accusations but I have no idea what the tone of her voice is when she's making the accusations. In phone conversations tone is everything, especially when one of the characters is grieving. I hope this makes sense to you. As the reader, I had trouble understanding her grief. In one sentence she seems nonchalant and the next bitter.

As for minor corrections, there are a few typos throughout which spell check should find, 'crevasses' should be 'crevices'.

I hope this helps. I think you're writing is on it's way. Keep at it!
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