Hi there. This piece is written well in quite a somber toner befitting the often times depressing subject matter. Until I got to the end I thought it was a simple lament about the state of our world. But that ending changes it into something more political.
I would suggest, if you wish to rewrite it, to take that into mind. A rewrite might consist of delving into argumentative essay format. Mentioning the other side of the argument, something like modern comforts being hard to let go of, would improve this greatly.
You could talk about the difficulties we'd all have to face and sacrifices that would have to be made after mentioning how good we've all had it this far. Talk about all the comforts we enjoy that slowly destroy our planet. Tell us that it's the easy way we've all been coasting on. That could make for a more pursuasive argument with something concrete for all of us to do.
Hi there! I notice some minor errors I'll list first and at the end just ask some general questions.
The period here should be a comma or else the next sentence is incomplete: "Biscuit wormed his way out of the refuge to find a place to lift his leg. Which..." Or you can replace "Which" with "This" to make it a complete sentence.
The quoted line is a statement here: "Great" she muttered. It should be "Great." She muttered.
As for my questions: Is this a small excerpt of a larger scene? Or is this a standalone short story?
If it's the latter, I'd like to offer some advice. A short story usually requires 3 things: Setup, conflict, and resolution. I would classify everything in this as setup. That's not a bad thing. It creates a chill feeling with some survivalist themes that makes it seem like an introspective tale. But there's no real conflict besides some hinting towards a blizzard on the horizon.
I could give you some tips on how to create some conflict and a resolution for a short story. But as it stands it's a good setup for one.
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