This is an interesting horror story. There are some good moments of tention and suspence throughout.
There is a lot of "he said this, and he said that" in the begining. You some need to say who is speaking once per paragraph. I didn't mind it as first as it gave the story a foke tale quality, but it was over done and became annoying after a while.
"They rose to the surface of the quicksand as the moon rose" I can see that you are trying to connect the two events together by using the same word "rose" in both events, but it is better not to use the same word close together like this. Connect the events by saying something like "They rose to the surface of the quicksand as the moon pulled itself into the sky"
The main character learns a valuable lession in the end, but doesn't live long enough to profit from it. I guess the reader is expected to learn from his mistakes. Not the best of endings, but not an uncommon ending for a horror story.
This story suffers from being too similar to many other stories of this type. There is very little original content here, but what is here is put together well. worth reading, but could be better.
Overall, I think this is an interesting idea for a novel. I had a similar idea myself, which I almost gave up on because there is a Japanese Manga with a similar idea as well. It is about a boy who dies before he is suppost to. He is not a good person nor bad either so heaven gives him a chance to prove himself. He protects those who are in danger from the dark forces, so the story differs from yours at that point. But you can see the similarities.
You use the word "yenta" and later explain what it means. You should mention this right away so the reader isn't confused.
"This partying bruhaha was exactly that: bruhaha." This sentence is confusing and gramaticly incorrect. After the colon you should explan what bruhaha means; otherwise, what is the point of this statement?
When you first introduce Edna, there is a sudden point of view switch into her thoughts. You should never switch POV in the middle of a scene. Not only is it confusing for the reader but it also makes that character an equal with the main character. Keep POV limited to a very few major characters and then only when they have the whole scene to themselves.
You tell the story instead of showing it to the reader. This is most evident in the overuse of the word "she." ex. She did this, then she did that. Instead describe what is happening in detail. Read a passage in a novel you love and see how the author describes the scene so that it feels like you are there watching what is going on, instead of being told what happened afterward.
I have a problem with some of your logic. If evenyone knew how Chloe's life would turn out (predestination) how could she get hit by a car (free-will)? Your god seems too human and even uses profanity. Why is a new apprentice given a difficult assignment and threatened with punishment for failing when the failure was completely out of her hands? She should be expected to fail since she is new at this and very young. (Maybe if she had a few simple assignments before this, along with some warnings, then giving her a tougher assignment would make some sense.)
Again, I did enjoy reading this novel. I hope you will take the time to fix your plot and writing style so that your novel will be even better.
What a sad story. I suppose it's too much to ask for a happy ending, but there doesn't seem to be an ending at all. At the end, the boy needs to accept death as a normal part of life, or something. A character that doesn't change is not very interesting. All three dogs could have died in the same year and it wouldn't change the story much. Something to think about.
Very funny with some good suspence. This is the second cow attacking humans story I read. Was there a contest or something?
One error: "this is a great" seems incomplete. "this is great", "this is just great", or "this is a great ... [something]"
Otherwise the story was great.
Keep on writing!
A very interesting tale. Good emotinal drama, gory fight scenes, love and death. The elements of a good story. Your novel shows some promise.
Your story is plagued with some problems:
"After trying to rally the other warriors to the hunt ,the other men decided to stay and tend to the dead."
Change to:
He tried to rally the other warriors to the hunt, but they decided to stay and tend to the dead.
"with and angry fist" - "with an angry fist"
"at least a days lead" - "at least a few days lead"
"war like through out the Highlands" - "war-like throughout the Highlands"
"to many" - "too many"
"let her self" - "let herself"
"the other women she would" - "the other women. She would"
"warmth of there friendship" - "warmth of their friendship"
Too many errors. You seem to have a real problem with compound words and punctuation. You use "to" instead of "too" many times as well.
"Without any real concern for the girls other then their monetary value" - This statement is not needed since we all ready know he is a slave trader. also this statement is telling something only he would know. Try to keep the point of view on only one character at a time.
Your writing needs some work but you have a good imagination.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gward
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:58am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
