You have a good story going there, but it drags. I was once told this; Don't add anything to a short story that does not carry it forward. It is very hard to take the old EDIT/CUT and do a number on your work, but if you want readers to finish it, it is necessary to give your baby a good washing. I think the sequence should go something be like this: You are going to town but you don't stop evey few minutes to pick flowers (useless fill). Your mission is to get to town. You may have a wreck (Conflict) that slows your ability to reach town, but you recover. Now you're late, you speed. Cop pulls you over (conflict). You make it to town.
This example is over simplified, but I hope it gives you the idea that a story should very crisp, to the point.
Oh, use your spell checker to check punctuation and passive sentences. I noticed a few incorrect uses of the period.
That said, I would love to see your work when you finish an edit.
A very good tale. The first three mini paragraphs are superb. I read them over and over. Such a great picture of the rain. Lomax seems to be such a peaceful character. Then he suddenly becomes evil.
At that point something happened. I can't put my amateur finger on it but the flow suddenly drags. It isn't your words but somehow the arrangement. Do it over and stay in the style of the first three paragraphs and you will have a winner. Let know, please, when you have finished the rewrite.
Good story but I got lost as to who was talking to who. Chop a good bit of the dross. Use your spell checker and fix missing capitals. I would love to see a revision.
Beautiful. What a wonderful relationship. My grandfather was always cross and grumpy. He was a drunk in his younger days so I guess he hated the world. His wife, my grandmother, was a wonderful lady, filled with love. I don't know how she managed living with a man who's main source of income was making moonshine; at least he sold what he didn;t drink.
Your's is such a good story expressing a true love.
I've only read the first chapter but you have a great story going here. You obviously use your spell checker though some sentences were passive. There are areas where you are being repetitious. Distill your work down paragraph by paragraph. Remove all unnecessary parts of dialogue and repetitive sentences. Run it through your sieve. I'm going to read the rest of the chapters because I think you have a good tale going.
Take a look at my work: Hunger, Origin and How the Big Bang Began, plus others. Would welcome comments.
Hi Jim;
It's a great story, good dialogue, but you need to distill it down to the sweet part. An advanced race electing a murderer to father a new generation is a bit much. Nathan offers to allow Eve to call friends so she will be safe. Don't you think she would have gone to friends rather than live exposed on the streets? Only a desperate female would voluntarily accompany two strange males to an apartment. She obviously has friends, so her desperation is minimal. Make her a street person. She will be more believable.
Where did Adam get the gun? Did he have it on him all the while? It is possible for a street person to be armed but most likely the person would have traded the gun for booze or food.
I'd like to read your work again after you've edited it anew.
See my works: Hunger: a killer who drinks blood. An alcoholic detective who has one last chance to save his career. Origin: a short short satire.
Good short story, Tom. You certainly have a good imagination. I would suggest that you use your word processor software to determine passive/active sentences.
You have a great idea for the beginning of a good story but I can't discover the point of Terry going into the cave. What was he after. Was there treasure? Was he intent to rescue someone? To save his own life, the world, the US Mint, what? All I read is; he went into a dark tunnel and a supernatural being flew though him.
Put a story around this paragraph that seems to start somewher in the middle of the tale. Use the spell check on your computer and set the passive/active sentence checker. It will give you a word count, suggest word spelling errors, etc.
You have a good imagination so grind and process your tale un til it gleams.
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