What a lovely, simple, and exciting way to look at marriage. This should be read by all who seek an understanding of how marriage works best. How different from the common philosophy I often see demonstrated i.e., where spouses maintain a fear of losing their individuality, by using the too commom refrain: "if you loved me, you wouldn't..." etc.
Well. Could you hear me laughing as I read this? If you thought it was thunder you heard, it wasn't, it was me.
First off, I laughed even as a suicide threatened; it was, however, funnily put. Then, well, I haven't heard "hubba, hubba" for years and that struck a giggly chord, too. Next, as I enjoyed the unfolding adventure, I laughed at the male chauvinist mind set/dream being expounded so well, then at the near fulfilling of hope. Last, I laughed at the terrific ending. Which was unexpected but perfect. Great story. Besides which, it also gives a the reader a pause for thought on the state of relationships -- whether intended or not. Kudos to you, GrandmaPat
Man, I laughed aloud several times and smiled the remainder with just a few giggles interspersed. But, I do have a complaint: where's the rest of the story? After all, I want to meet Thumbthimble and Elwood and Randolph, too. I'll have to search your site to see if you did a continuation. If there were any errors, I didn't see them -- the tale was too engrossing and funny. Did I say funny? I meant LOL FUNNY funny. Your satire is spot on.
some might quibble about punctuatiion or a few scan bumps. Who cares! This is REALLY COOL!
Imagine, please: I was empathizing with the narrator, assuming it was a teen-age girl!
Oh, this is delightful, a wonderful turn!
I don't see anything newer than last spring/summer. I do hope you are still writing!
Technically, should there be a " ; " after "she knows" ?
I also think a period after "other swimmer" would be more effective because of timing when one reads aloud.
I like the story. I like the sound of it as I read it aloud (the best way to experience poetry, I think). And I enjoyed the surprise ending.
In the first paragraph, "the crocodile didn't get me this time..." should be "...get him..." as this is not told in first person. In the second paragraph, did you forget to put a comma after "...the door...", an opening phrase?
Those were the only 2 errors I noticed. As I got into the story, I was too busy reading it to see any.
A while back there was much discussion of "show v. tell" in writing, over which was better, etc. Well, here, you have a perfect balance. The dialogue is pretty darn good, too.
As for the story: I liked it! Each character was delineated with a minimium of fuss, but clearly understood. The action was lively. The ending just right. And I will never again fear the monster under my bed!
Oh...my...G...! What a perfectly surprising and perfectly written story. You had my attention from the start with well-constructed sentences and terse descriptiions -- not a needless word. But the ending! WOW! And although it seemed to come from out of nowhere, it is perfectly logical. Worthy of any mystery magazine or short story collection. Thanks!
How fortunate you are to have a special someone give you a star! Do you know that song, "Somewhere (Out There)"?
Because wherever you and he go, that star will go with you. And if you are apart, you can still see it at the same time and surely your thoughts will connect. The song sort of says that. So does this poem; I looked behind the going away part and saw that.
I review for content and this poem leaves me with a feeling of hope and love.
An excellent report, I'm glad I came across it on the review page. You tell it very well, especially when comparing Mr.Boit with Mr.Daehlie. Sometimes we lose track of the adage: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. That this principle is so lost in too many amateur sports is really sad.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grandmapat
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:08pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
