It doesn't really say much of what the story is.
There's a lot of boy-meets-girl stories, there's a lot of fantasy savior stories. Why is yours different? Is the forgotten race something you created? Talk about that.
Also, the blurb seems to focus half on a coming of age, sort of romance story idea and half on a fantasy epic idea. Is your story really that evenly divided or is it more about one? The emphasis on different parts of the story should match how much they're emphasized in the novel.
It's a great twist on a classic, but at times it's a little confusing what's going on.
What I'm most confused about is the ambiguous "she claimed" towards the end. Who's she? You give hints that the stepmother knew about the abuse, but the ending suggests that she didn't. And I can't believe Cindy's in any state to tell anyone about the abuse at any point.
It is good, but I'd say tighten up some of the confusing bits and make it clearer.
This is interesting, but it feels a little short.
You're really good with descriptions. The plot twists you have are great, but they come really fast. You hardly give the reader time to settle into one scene before switching it.
If you expanded this story, it would be fantastic.
This feels like you left out a large part of the story.
How was he killed? Did she feel any anger towards the one who killed him? Did she try to get revenge in any way?
This is a good start, but it really needs more detail to work. Otherwise, the reader's left with more questions than anything else.
This is pretty good. You have great descriptions, good characters, and an interesting story.
There were a few distracting things, however.
1. You use the word "though" a lot. It gets distracting. Try some other phrases.
2. Sandra and Abby talking. If the two are close enough that Sandra's willing to let her meet her baby, she's certainly close enough to call her by her first name. The whole "call me Abby!" thing is just a cliche and unnecessary.
3. Why were James and Caroline attacked? If there's no reason, then it just seems like a shoehorned plot device so you can reach the end of your story. If it was the 1950s, were they an interracial couple? Were they different religions? I really feel like I need to know why.
This is good. It's fast-paced, compelling, and interesting.
There are a few things I would tweak, though.
1. proofread this. You've got some typos that spellcheck won't catch.
2. Bring in the narrator a little earlier. 11 paragraphs in is very confusing, and makes it seem like a sudden change in narrator. It looks like a mistake.
3. If her shirt was so tight her bra was visible, how could she keep a gun in there?
4. What is 'it'? I like the twist at the end, but there should maybe be a little foreshadowing, so it's less confusing.
Thrilling and emotional. A really good story.
It did throw me off at the end when the safe deposit box was in the post office? I normally associate those with banks. But it could be different in other places.
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