Very dark and well-written piece. It's refreshing to see such works here that have a beauty to them, despite the subject, and aren't just the typical "woe is me" type of dark poem. I think you definitely do justice to dark poetry as an artform, as is any poetry. I have a few things I'd like to point out:
The opening line is quite captivating. It really draws in the reader.
dammination should be damnation
Last line of the first stanza is weak and kind of awkward. I'm pretty sure it's because of the word 'weaknesses'. It just doesn't fly right. I think if you made it singular it would work. You also have this problem with the word 'caresses' in the third stanza. It just does't flow right off the tongue, especially for being the last word of the stanza.
Some commas obstruct the flow a bit and I think you could do without a few. One example is the end of the first line in the third stanza, "I am Eve, before the sampling," That last comma isn't necessary and I'd love to see it flow without break into the next line. I found stanza four particularly problematic with the commas. While it may just be a matter of taste, the pauses they cause interrupt the feeling and I would like to see more flowing of complete phrases from line to line in this piece. I think doing so really enhances a darker poem, where as a lighter more ethereal poem can benefit from heavier pause breaks of more commas and periods.
The second line in the third stanza has a space between sin and the period at the end that you need to get rid of.
Powerful last stanza. It sums up the poem very nicely, saying everything that needs to be said without over doing it. I particularly like the third line of the stanza.
Very dark and well thought out imagery. There's a nice mix in the darkness: some a little morbid, some a little fearful, some a little grotesque and some even sad. It has nice play on emotions with just how you describe things and letting the reader take away from the imagery and feeling what they will, and not being told exactly what they should feel. This is partially from a diverse word choice you have in the piece.
Overall a very nice read. The only major problems I see with it are the few obstructions in the flow I pointed out or at least hinted at. I hope my review was helpful and that you'll continue to share your talents with us at the site. I look forward to reading more poetry of such a nature Take care!
Beautiful C-Notes! I love your photography. They have a very classic and simple look to them that lets the artwork and wording shine through. I love the variety in them, especially the images chosen. I definatelly will keep these in my favorites for when I need them Thanks for sharing!
Hello there. Welcome to the site. I read the poem and kind of was shocked at how short it was. My problem with this piece is that it doesn't feel complete. I'm not really understanding the message you are trying to get across.
First, I think the lack of title doesn't help attract viewers. I know it can be hard to think of a title at times, so the brief description can make up for this. But the brief description feels just as lacking. "random science" doesn't hint at much to draw in the reader's attention. It seems to imply that this poem is just random words, and if so, it isn't really writing in my honest opinion.
I think if you are going to put the title in the body (which I don't think is necessary, but if that's your personal choice then go right ahead) you should make it stand out from the actual poem so it's easier to understand and read. Especially with this poem one might mistake it as the beginning word.
The only meaning or feeling I get is this sense of being pulled down into a grave. A kind of science hinting at death. I'm not sure if this is what you are intending to get across, but that's what all the G words seems to be expressing. If so, then I think it should be clearer for the reader to understand.
The beginning word Attraction seems out of place. I don't quite understand what it has to do with the poem and just seems to set the poem off on the wrong foot. The others at least flow together, seem to express something, but the word Attraction doesn't seem clear.
The lack of more detail, of actual sentence structure, leaves too much for the reader to try to guess. I like open poems in that there are multiple meanings and a reader can take what they want from it, but there isn't much to take from this one. Just six words that go together mostly cause of their sounds seems more a play on words than a poem.
In my honest opinion, short poetry is very hard to write because there isn't much being said. The fact that this poem doesn't flow and comes off more as just a few words and not at least a sentence also makes it harder to understand the meaning. I suggest that if you are going to stick with such a structure for the poem and keep it short, that you should find a more personal way to present it. It needs the structure to compliment the words and not just appear as a listing.
As an example, I suggest checking out the poem l(a by e.e. cummings. It is not my preference of poetry, but playing with structure like that and making a more abstract appearing poem can sometimes really strengthen a short piece. In my case I use color to help some of my shorter pieces. There are most likely a lot of great examples around the site, too.
I hope this review helped and I hope you post more work soon :) Take care!
Nice piece. It has emotion to it but the repitition of words, phrases and imagery kind of takes away from this. I think it's a bit too long because of this.
I have a problem with this part:
"but I know the feelings will still be.
The same for you as they are now..."
I'm not sure why there is a period at the end of the first line here. It seems awkward and interrupts the thought/flow of the piece.
Your use of punctuation and sentence structure is distracting at times. An example is the above point I made. You also use ellipsis a lot, and they really slow down and offbalance the piece. It creates too many pauses and not in the right places, particularly at the end.
The end doesn't fully sum up the piece. The poem starts off nie and poetic, but the end just doesn't hold together. Not only do the ellipsis interrupt the flow, but the wording loses the emotion and starts to become more like pleading than a poetic feel. It's almost like a different way to phrase all you said earlier and it's not effective.
This work has potential. I have seen your talents in your other poetry. I think you just need to refine your wording and really let the emotion speak for itself. You don't need to phrase things so much or make it so long. Take care!
Another amazing story. It wasn't something that appealed to me at first genre/subject wise, but once I started to read it I just couldn't stop. So well-written and interesting.
My biggest problem is the long paragraphs. I kind of get lost in reading them at times. I think breaking them up, especially the first one, will really help.
There are a few typos and fragment sentences which I think you might have made from the long paragraphs. They kind of get lost in all the words and not always easy to notice in editing.
I loved the part: "One yellow flower which faded into the mass of red. It was an apology, not a goodbye, because I knew she would never be gone." that was so beautifully written and so full of emotion in the piece that it really brings it beyond just a story. It is the peak and strong point of the story.
Again, wonderful detail and expression. I really got to know and understand the character even in the slightest mention of things he did.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I can not wait to read more from you soon :D Take care!
I loved this piece. I hope I can write poetry as touching as this someday :)
The opening stanza is stunning. It really caught my attention.
Your word choice is just amazing. You capture the emotion and detail so perfectly. It was an easy read, easy to follow, and always entertaining.
The poem structure just amplifies the expression and feeling of the piece. It's creative, fun, and different. You create a wonderful flow with your punctuation and don't ruin the reader's ability to follow which is not always an easy task.
The end just sums it up so nicely, capturing all you wanted to say so nicely.
One of the best reads I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing. I am glad this got an awardicon that it rightly deserves :D
First off, it seems incomplete. Maybe it is. If so, I would love to see where you add onto this. It's a nice character description and start to something. If it is complete, then you need to make it feel whole.
You should put a line space in between paragraphs to make it easier to read. What I mean by this is like how there's a blank line between my different points I am pointing out.
You should use quotation marks to mark off what someone says, this way people can notice that it is a spoken phrase in the piece much easier and quicker.
You have a wonderful way with words. Very stunning descriptions. Such an eye for detail and such a way to tell the reader that I could vividly picture this. A job well done :)
Thank you for sharing this piece. I hope you write more of it soon and continue to enjoy your stay at Writing.com :) Take care!
"This place is full of gloom,
the padded walls."
the second line doesn't fit. Maybe something about the gloom coming through the walls or something.
The rhyme scheme in the fourth stanza interrupts the flow of the piece. Change the rhyming word of the last line so it fits the abab which works well for the beginning of the piece.
I don't think the fifth stanza, those four words, work well with the piece. They just cause an unnecassary interruption that don't bring anything workable to the piece. I suggest getting rid of them and let the rest of your words/stanzas do their magic.
The flow in the seventh stanza is interrupted by the extra line. Normally setting your own format doesn't bother me (I like free verse) but you so clearly define the format of abab in the beginning that to interrupt it in the second half is just distracting to the reader in my opinion. The same goes for the last stanza having only three lines, though it isn't so bad then.
Great expression in this piece. Very powerful emotion. I can't begin to understand what it's like, but you do get the reader to feel it.
Very nice piece. A few suggestions and comments I have on it:
The line "Even I have to say ow" seems very weakly written compared to the rest of your piece. It also breaks the interesting rhyme scheme (abac) you have going on.
I think the third to last stanza would make a powerful ending to the piece. It gives it a 'Poe' like feeling to the end, this sad wanting and pain of knowing what is going on. I think the last two stanzas are very weak and just drag on the end feeling too long. They don't fit your strong quality of feeling and just seemed thrown in there to try to capture something you have already captured so well with the rest of the piece.
I like your rhyme scheme. As I mentioned earlier, it is very unique and fitting to the piece. It gives a sort of disorder since it isn't one a reader is used to, and fits the sadness and almost confusion of the topic.
Beautiful imagery. You capture the feeling and emotion wonderfully with your words. I love the flow of the piece, too. Very smooth and soothing. At the end it is of a quicker pace, a kind of build up to the last line. It works very well.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it. Take care!
A very nice poem. It's powerfully written, direct and to the point. There is no wasting of words in it. I enjoyed that.
"Relingquished" remove the g
I enjoyed the flow and structure of the first two stanzas, but the last one seemed off a bit. I think it's because the lines are longer with more syllables, and it upsets the flow that the other two created. Try finding shorter words I suppose so it is more of the structure of the other two.
The word choice is good, but at times it seems like you are trying to hard to find uncommon words. Maybe just lower the language a bit to a more common sense. Though these words aren't the kind that many need dictionaries to look up, they just don't have a natural sound to them when they are combined into a poem, especially one based heavily on word phrases rather than sentences.
Unique structure. At first it seemed weird, but once I got further into the poem I realized that it worked well. I like poems that don't follow typical forms. It gives them more character when the writer goes with what he/she feels.
I look forward to reading more works by you. I like your style. Keep on writing and take care!
Very cool piece. Few mistakes: it's stands for it is, while its shows possession. It should be Fall's, meaning Fall is. Same for Winter.
Other than that (and maybe a few other mistakes I missed) it's a nice poem. The structure of it threw me off with its rhyming scheme, though. Maybe make each stanza have the same appearance (line amount and rhyme scheme) or if you keep the way is, just fix the rhyming a bit (words like rest and reds don't work well for rhyming since you make much closer matches throughout the piece). Take care!
This has a very nice expression and meaning put into it, but it has very poor flow. The structre is weak and works against the meaning of the words. You need to fix your punctuation, too. Punctuation is key in poetry because it sets the flow of the piece, but the way you have it, you have periods at the end of certain lines which should really be commas because they are the middle of sentences. I think if you just edit this so it is visually able to be read, it will be fine. It's wonderful emotionally. Keep up the great writing! Take care!
"Choosing the One, who will serve tonight
Damper your appetite, if just for the night" I would change appetite with another word like craving so it doesn't rhyme with the rhyme scheme and interrupt the flow. It starts off really good, but loses its flow and structure with the longer lines and breaking of rhyming. Also, you should use more punctuation at the end of lines to steady the pace of reading for the reader. Since you use it the middle of lines, none at the ending suggests no pause which causes run-ons and other confusions in the piece. Take care!
This is an awesome piece. Very sad and touching. You describe it so well, the feelings and scenes, and you keep it flowing steadily for the reader.
Mistakes:
"it’s back piled high with assorted twigs"
It should be its. This is a reocurring but minor mistake in the piece.
I like sort of foreshadowing when he is watching TV. "The good guy could get anywhere in time. He always did." It shows the innocence of youth, which appears throughout the whole story. It seems complete as is, but a part of me wants to know what happens after. I do think not knowing could work to the benefit of the reader here, but there's still that question in my mind "when will the Hero come?"
Thank you very much for sharing this piece. I look forward to reading more works by you. Take care!
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dammination should be damnation
Take care!
Thanks for sharing!