Wow this poem was interesting! It reminded me of the play Aida when the two lovers are sealed in the tomb at the end of the story.
May I ask what the inspiration for this poem was?
I thoroughly enjoyed the alliteration throughout, and the vocabulary also sparked my interest. I had to look up chiaroscuro 😂
I found the form a little hard to follow near the end although I liked the overall effect. And I wondered about putting a comma after 'and' in the second verse - it caused a wee interruption in flow I felt.
Thank you for such an interesting and creative read!
Kia ora e hoa - thank you so much for this beautifully encouraging and challenging piece of writing. It was actually what I really needed to read at the moment.
God bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you.
Kia ora e hoa. Well that was an interesting tale to say the least! I was intrigued by the opening few lines about potentially hearing a guy tell the story of how he came to die and it certainly wasn't what I expected. Very 'out of the box'.
There are a few grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and some issues around the flow of sentences and ideas in the story which I think if tidied up would allow a reader to follow it a little easier.
Thanks for a very curious read!
Kia pai te tuhituhi - all the best with your writing.
Oh my goodness I related to this! Thank you sharing, I feel like you captured a feeling that lots of people have likely felt before.
I liked how you tied the the end to the beginning with a bit of contrast too.
Wow. This is amazing. So honest and straight forward, yet full of poetic turns and observations.
Without me being able to fully understand your feelings, you help me to understand the problem you faced and still face.
Writing is gift to help us share experiences I think, and you used that gift.
Just as a note, this would be physically easier to read if your ideas were separated into paragraphs. I think your message would get through even clearer too.
Oh my goodness, what a ride! I'm thankful you survived. I wasn't sure if I was meant to laugh or not, but I felt the part about disaster following everywhere you had been had a bit of humour in behind it. Although, that isn't to say that any of the events were funny! Almost like black comedy.
"The Philippines is a very religious country, the people devout Catholics. I’ll admit I prayed that they would cancel the flight. I was sure I would never see my family again." - This was a nice touch I thought 😁 and then you reflected on it again at the end.
Thanks for posting - I enjoyed reading this harrowing tale of near misses!
Kia ora e hoa! Hello my firend, I'm new here and figured I'd read something from the newbie feed.
You took me on an intense journey in such a short time! That was amazing.
The dialog was so short, sharp and well done at the end too - nice one!
How did you like writing flash fiction?
If you're interested in some feedback, I thought perhaps the first sentence was a little long for something that should draw you in quickly seeing as it's a short piece.
Thanks again - loved it, and welcome from a newbie to a newbie. This place seems fantastic 😁
Kia ora e ho - hello my friend. This is awesome! I particularly enjoyed the alliteration throughout. It gave it quite a forceful and dramatic tone. I wonder if there's not a little more to be done punctuation-wise? Capital letters, semi-colons etc.
Is this a typical form of Norse poetry?
Loved it!
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