yay! more Khaea!!! i think i've mentioned that i love the video game RPG style script that your dialogue and descrips take and this chapter is no exception!
You're definitely braver than I am. I can't possibly punctuate my poetry.
I had a few questions about two particular lines...
"Beneath, the trails of pale rolling mass"
is this a continuation of the last line or was the idea of 'beneath,' like saying "and under all this are trails...?
"These grounds can feed no horses hooves"
depending on what your intention, it could be "horse's hooves" or "horse hooves". it's also a bit of a stretch... 'moves' and 'hooves'
I really like how the poem sounds, as the lines a re a bit long but not too long and there is still a good rhyme scheme AABB is hard to do without the poem sounding childish and this definitely doesn't sound childish... actually that brings me to the question of, well frankly, what is this about?
the desert as a metaphor for the human mind? I dunno, but sometimes it's best for there not to be a direct and obvious answer, and in this particular case, i think it works well. Enjoyed reading this, looking forward to reading more by you!
You have a consistently choppy, quick style reminiscent of a good 90's RPG (and yes, that's a compliment, as creativity went downhill from there, replaced by technology). I liked how chapter two focused on the internal workings of Len, particularly. The action doesn't leave the reader with a collective "?" afterwards, and the internal reasoning isn't preachy or overbearing. Yay!
having said that, I'm going to say as well that I'm a bit confused. Are we going to see a goal beyond a tangible immediate for Len, or does he not yet know what he's looking for (or what's looking for him)? If the latter is what you're going for, I'm assuming you'll hint at it subtly. The sooner the better. But if the story starts to take off after he finds what he's looking for, that's obviously fine as well.
I hope you continue to put effort into this and show us more of Khaea. =)
This would mark time number three that I've read this. And yeah, I’m disturbed by this piece on so many levels; I'm not sure what to say. I'm not really sure who or what 'she' is. Is the guy paying for a woman to come once a day to fill his void of loneliness for five minutes? They couldn't really be married... could they?
If they are, this makes the piece even more confusing than before.
But if I keep saying 'confusing', it may be taken as a negative thing, and that isn't my intention. I want to say that this is what the piece is supposed to do; make you wonder about what it really is that you're doing when you're interacting with those that do not share your enthusiasm for company. The world of ulterior motives is supposed to be gray. So whatever the case may be, I think that's what makes this work. It is dark, but with the subject matter, I’d imagine that it would have to be. Good work!
-Kyo
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/falseflagger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:43pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
