This Piece has great potential, and a very unique and interesting story that makes me want to read more and discover the lore of this world, its citizens and characters. You really do have a great Idea here, however it unfortunately gets lost in your choice of grammar and many grammar errors that occur, it actually made some parts very confusing, and not coherent, however they are easy mistakes to correct and with proper editing and effort you can properly express your ideas in a way that makes it easy for the reader to understand, whilst still using great diction and word choice, I felt that at times you used too many grandiose words in a single sentence and when they were used incorrectly it was a little bit of a struggle to understand and piece together what you were trying to describe. For example : The First paragraph suffers from grammatical mistakes that cause confusion for the reader and break up the flow and rhythm of the description and setting of the scene, However your second paragraph is well done, and showcases great flow and prose and a steady pace of imagery, events, thoughts and feelings and you use your grammar properly and it is very coherent and pleasant to read. The writing from "During the most distressing journey through the round hal" to “At His Sentience’s request, here comes forth the High Lord of Calestuary to bind their hands in union with the ribbons used by all who are faithful to the gods and their wives,” is very captivating and has great use of prose, pacing, imagery and description although also having a few grammatical mistakes as well, this section I would argue is the best part of this piece as I can see how much effort and skill you used to really express your idea's and to make them come alive on paper, you took the time and really tried to clearly explain how people looked, the clothes they were using, the environment, the cold, the ceremony, it really built good tension and got me very interested and kept me reading and interested in the story and completing the review. I would suggest you sit down with or look for a good editor, some one skilled, but someone you trust and know well so that you can easily explain you thoughts, flesh out your ideas so that this project you have been working on for 3 years will reach its full potential and it truly does have amazing potential, the characters and the story is very enthralling and I like the mystique that it has, the last paragraph is really good I can almost taste the tension, and emotions of Casi, Albay, Ericasi and Leonliam.
Some suggestions for the first 3 paragraphs, and There are many things that need revising however and I cannot provide them all as in some parts I would need to discuss with you what exactly you meant to say or trying to describe:
To add more punch and vivid imagery to the iceberg instead of saying shining bluely, one could say for example "shinning a deep/vibrant blue in the moonlight", or "occupied by three icebergs agleam with vibrant blue tones under the incandescence of the moon."
Stepping out of a "black, royal, crested caravan." Or is it meant to mean "out of a black, royally crested caravan."
"entering a brisk and starry night", maybe use "entering a crisp and starry night."
"No grandeur either of nature or of fabricated measures could possibly compensate for the impoverishment of Ericasi."
"Albay held her in the forefront of his mind"
"But lay outstrecthed on that night" instead of openly
Since it is night substitute daydreamed for imagined/pondered/ mused
"Albay most usually pondered why" get rid of upon.
"I am sure to feel myself" instead of mineself.
"looked at this place." he scoffed, (instead of scoffed he)
" Must fasten my hand" instead of mine hand
Good luck and keep writing and working on this and never give up, you have a great idea and a great story and characters!
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
