This made me cry. My father passed away from cancer, and this really hit home for me. Even so, it was brilliant to me even if I did not identify so clearly with the pain of seeing what cancer does to the body of someone you love. Heartwrenching, excellent visuals, perfect length, and overall just brilliant.
I enjoyed this. I really felt the knots in the characters' stomachs and I thought the dialogue was good. I really hate to rag on you for this, but I counted several grammatical errors that somewhat detracted from the overall experience. The content was good - it's just the delivery that needed work. Just a few things to watch out for:
Misuse of semicolon:
"Alone in silence as cars pass on by outside her window as she remains rooted to her seat ; slowly she lowers her head as she admits defeat and closes her eyes; replaying the days events within her mind."
The sentence goes on too long. The semicolon is used to join two independent clauses together. By saying "Alone in the silence", you're setting up for what she's doing, and therefore the semicolon is unnecessary. The same goes for "replaying the events." It's all together.
Same goes for "Her inner self screams; adding to her already heavy guilt ridden heart. "
A comma should be used there instead.
You use it properly here:
'“You’ve really screwed up this time; why didn’t you tell him the truth'
Past tense:
"The entire time though we both know it was only a façade"
You're speaking of something that happened, so it would be "knew" instead of "know."
Apostrophe:
"Now the curtains closed and it’s time to go
You're saying "the curtain IS closed", so you'd need an apostrophe there to denote the abbreviation.
Past vs past participle:
“Slowly I let my heart close off and I begun to pull away"
Begun is past participle, so you need another verb to go with it, such as "had begun, have begun, has begun", etc. Began is past tense and can be used on its own, so it should be used there instead.
Run-on sentences:
'“When I first told you I liked you it wasn’t true I liked what you where going to become and what you would be.'
You need a semicolon after "true", since the two sentences are independent.
'Towards the middle I begun to feel the change, face it you were so far away with your job hell you were married to your job'
A semicolon is needed after "your job."
Commonly confused spelling:
'"No what I realize is that your scared, you’re running'
"Your" is possessive, not an abbreviation for "you are." You got it right the second time, seeing as you're saying "you are" both times.
I'm sorry if this review seems overly critical; it's not meant as such. Still, this site is to help writers, and the grammatical errors here are easy to fix and avoid in the future. I did very much enjoy the story and good luck in your future writings.
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