I will be reviewing each stanza it's self so that we can get a better understanding of what's happening. Please, also remember everything I'm saying is to make your poem the best it can be and that the suggestions I make are only suggestions, you have the free will to do what ever you want with what I tell you. (Try reading the stanza we are working on out loud)
"Today's morning is as dark as the night last,
When I open my eyes today, there's are broken glass of past."
Looking at this stanzas is hard to understand what you're trying to say. I would suggest changing the first sentence to "Today's morning is as dark as the sky last night' or something similar. I say this because the way it is written the reader automatically wants to divide the sentence in two, yet you need to read it as one part. The second line has a type-o in the second part, however fixing it the line still doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant to say "When I opened my eyes today, there was the broken glass of the past" This should end with a result similar to this...
"Today's morning is as dark as the sky last night
When I opened my eyes today, there was the broken glass of my past"
...The only other thing in this stanza that caught me was the fact that there were only two lines in it. This is only odd because all the other stanzas have four lines. So, maybe try figuring out something you can put in there.
Focusing now on the good, I'd like to say I really enjoyed the flow at the end of the stanza when you wrote "broken glass of my past". It sounds beautiful and makes the reader want to continue to the next stanza. I also enjoy the over all dark tone of this stanza. Dark tones at the beginning, help make bright tones pop even more at the end. Good job. (:
"I had scratched and bitten you,
to taste every drop of love from you.
But, that beast hidden in me,
Dies when there's no light of THEE."
I really enjoyed the beginning (first two lines) and the only thing I would change is the word taste, this is because when you taste something you're only taking a little and when your taking 'every last drop' that's a lot more than tasting. I would suggest the word withdraw, as a better suited component.
The third line in fine, may be use the word "within" instead of "in me", but remember it's your choice to change anything.
The last line however doesn't seen to flow correctly. I know your trying to say something along the lines of "when you leave me", so maybe trying inserting something similar to that for the end?
"Now, there these reddish cloud,
Surrounding and shouting your name clear and loud.
One day with this air of love
may be I could move your heart"
Type-o again, there is a "are" missing from between "there these". I do find this line very pleasant though.
This line seems to be missing something, maybe try "surrounding us and shouting your name loud and clear", inserting the word "us" or something along the lines .
"May be" should be "maybe" for the last line, so it should look like this now...
"Now, there are these reddish clouds,
Surrounding us, and shouting your name clear and loud
One day with this air of love
Maybe I could move your heart"
After fixing the few type-o's on this page the flow words really nice and it sounds really good together. I particular likes the rhyming of clouds and loud, if fits nice and it doesn't sound forced at all. (:
"And then we'll sail across our dream,
holding hands, we'll reach our realm.
Where we'll make our hut,
Surrounded by all red rose bud."
I enjoy the rhythm of this stanza and the way it feels so uplifting since the first stanza. It really has become a good love story.
The only minor things i would change is maybe adding an "s" to "dream" and maybe changing "make out hut" to "build our house" (I would only change this because of the symbolism of a house: stability, family, life, ect...).
The one big thing that caught me here was the last line "Surrounded by red rose bud" it just doesn't flow, sorry. Maybe you could change it to something more romantic such as "Surrounding by the red a million roses" or something similar to just give it some "omph".
"Wish when the sun will set,
I found you on my red carpet,
Coming out from the Mediterranean line
showing me that our love is DIVINE.........."
This ending part needs to be spectacular, so when you stumble on something it really spoils the moment. I am, of coarse, speaking of the first two lines. This is because this needs to be in the moment, in the now. Try making it present tense so it sounds like this...
"Wishing on a setting sun
I find you on my red carpet"
...This makes it seem more in the now, and entices the reader more.
The only complaint I have on the last part is the last word "DIVINE....." and not even the word it's self. It's the way you wrote it. It doesn't need the capitalization. It needs the finesse of being the last word, the absolute. It doesn't neet the "...." because the story has ended with a good ending, leaving the reader nothing to thing about.
The story it's self is beautiful written and gives the reader a good, old fashioned fairy tale. I hope to see more of your writing soon.
Sorry this ended up to be so long and detailed, but I really liked the idea of your work. I hope that you'll message me once you've fixed it up. I can't wait to see what a beautiful piece it will become.
Keep on writing |
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