Sofie waited nervously as she stood between platforms 9 and 10. Her parents stood behind her, urging her to go forward. Taking a deep breath, she walked slowly toward the wall and broke into a run. The moment she was about to touch the wall, she faltered but did not stop. Instead of hitting hard, she passed right through the wall and ended up at a very busy platform with parents and their children. A sign on a nearby pillar says platform 9 3/4. Her parent joined her a minute later and they just stood at the entrance, starting at the other people.
Also you jump straight into a scene without any scenery, where are you? where are you going? Some spelling mistakes.
this is example of how i would change this intro..
Sofie, a teenager destined for Hogwarts, stood anxiously between platforms 9 and 10. She sees a sign up ahead reading Platform 9 ¾ . Running into a wall was a strange way for boarding a train she thought. She was nervous, what if she didn’t go through but instead hit the wall hard and broke her nose, or even worse her head. Behind, her parents caringly nudge her, she looked back and her father beckoned her to go for it.
She took a deep breath and inch by inch she started moving towards platform 9 ¾ , picking up pace she ran fast and faster, inches before contact she closed her eyes. Just like that, she made it through, smiling she bent to catch a breath. Looking around her surroundings, many other families stood all waiting for the same train. The train to Hogwarts. Not long passed her parents were by her side.
interesting story, i enjoyed reading it though i didn't feel the emotion that the character felt. Yes he is down and hates everything, but where did he get the gun from, what caused his suicidal in tendency? also , if a mother saw her son shoving a gun in his mouth, i think her reaction would be that more erratic. why was she calm?
I am not a writer, but am a reader, and i thought my review could give an insight of a readers view.
Overall the concept is good, and is the click of the gun or the remote?
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