I enjoyed this story, and all I have to say about it is strictly my opinion. I only wish to be honest, encouraging and respectful. This is your work and you know what it should be.
My first impression is the title. Your title is a perfect hook!! It grabbed me and I was immediately interested. (I was not in the mood to read, but your title got to me.)
Second was the story itself. I read for story; I do not read just one type or genre. If it captures my imagination, I'm hooked. This was everything I could have hoped for based on the title and more. It has possibilities to compare to a Lord of the Rings adventure. My one complaint...It will be completed when?
Next, grammar and such, I am not great in this area. I have a long way to go here, but I will point out some things in my opinion needed consideration.
* First paragraph, last line; at the behests of the prophets themselves, to ensure that every prophecy was true, and that every law passed was an honorable one.
I would change behests to vow, because I needed to stop reading and look the word up to understand the meaning. I dislike having to stop and look up words I am ignorant of.
*Second paragraph, second sentence; one who would [be] responsible for the destruction of the entire Ornessian race if he was not stopped.
Typo?
*Tenth paragraph, last sentence; the day when everything I was became a lie.
I stumbled over this line twice. I love what it says, but it is missing some 'flow' for me. Maybe it could have some emphasis. Such as: the day when everything I was... became a lie. Or: the day when everything I was, was to become a lie. (just a suggestion)
*Paragraph twelve and thirteen.
I felt conflict with his gift of sight. In twelve he didn't see it coming causing Ozryk's death, but in thirteen he says; Maybe it was one of my talents; the gift of sight that allowed me to see it.
*Second to last paragraph, the last few sentences; (This is a flow thing for me) I've considered throwing myself in after the sword. Let the river take me, I say to myself as I watch its dark waves calling out to me.
I would reword this: As I watch the rivers dark waves calling out to me, I considered throwing myself in after the sword, and let the river take me. This time of year the currents are strong and the water is ice cold. I would not survive very long if I went in at night. It's the coward's way out, a suitable way for me to die.
My final thoughts are simply to say, I hope you expand this into a book. I want to read it.
Thank you for allowing me to review your work.
Susie
Hello,
This should be the first thing everyone reads before they post any writing to be reviewed.
It's hard not to feel defensive, and want to explain yourself when reviewed, but the ultimate goal is to be reviewed.
Thanks for the great information, Trevor!
Susie
Hello Lightbringer,
I needed to read this, and will reference it often. I struggle with many of the issues you have discussed and provided explanation for. Reviewing and revising is very difficult for me. This has encouraged me to work harder at proofreading my own work, so when someone reviews my work they can focus on the content, instead of being distracted grammar errors.
Thank you,
Eisus
Okay, now that I have stopped laughing, I can find absolutely nothing to say other than, WELL DONE! Please keep writing!
Thanks for sharing I totally enjoyed it,
Eisus
Wow, I feel the pain. I don't know if it is cause I have been there, but I think not. You put into words what I wish I had said many years ago. I like the ending with never making the same mistake twice, and it made me feel happy that I myself have walked this path and walked away.
I only seen one thing that I believe is a typo, line 8, shouldn't not be now?
Thanks for sharing and the walk down memory lane. A walk I'm happy to say I recovered from.
Eisus
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