Today has been tiring, but more emotionally tiring than anything else.
- Try "emotionally exhausting" instead of repeating the word "tiring"
I remember what we were eating for dinner, I remember my wife catching up on the phone with her mother, I even remember the way we laughed after her terrible attempt at humor.
- If the protagonist can remember, then we should have actual examples: dinner items, her mom talking about the vacation, etc., and the specific joke she used, which was a poor attempt to humor
I guess you could call it a disease, which would mean the loss of my sense of security is a symptom.
- Try: "I guess you could call it a disease; the loss of my sense of security being one of the symptoms."
That's what compelled me to join the force.
- As it stands now, what you just described in the paragraph before can't be what compelled the protagonist to join the force. Perhaps the nightmare that keeps haunting them, but I, the reader, don't know what that is yet. This should be explained a bit further, not necessarily revealing what that tragic event was, but separating what you mean.
Avery
- Wife? If so, you placed Avery a tad bit late. Why not key in on her name while you're describing her catching up with her mom on the phone. Calling her Avery after the fact is a bit late.
I got this job partly because of her, and I want to protect her for as long as I can.
- You just previously said that you got the job because of the "disease" and then you ad that she "partly' influenced him to get the job. This needs to be adjusted. Also, protect Avery from what exactly? Surely, every man wants to protect the love of their life. Surely, they don't have to be police officers in order to do so.
A few moments of silence pass, with only the ticking of the clock on the wall to accompany me.
- Is there a significance in this silence? You already mentioned the clock and the protagonist waiting to leave. surely, he's probably thinking to himself already about what he'll do when he gets home, etc. Why these precious moments of silence?
I'm one of the officers in that Squad.
- Instead of the protagonist revealing that he is an officer in that squad, why not use possession in this. Refer to him as HIS commander of the Robbery Unit, that way we know he is part of that unit.
"Hey, good work out there, Connors,"
- This is the first time we figure out the main character's name (thus, why I've been using "protagonist" instead of his name). Try to make that available in the beginning. There is a lot of mystery behind this character by not having his name. Example: is it a man or woman? Having a "wife" doesn't necessarily make him a man.
Krause is an older man of German decent, although he lost his accent a while ago. He's a rather strict commander and doesn't give out compliments lightly.
- Describe Krause before he speaks. This makes the story flow a better. Place this as Connors sees them walking in the door.
You see, a few hours ago, me, the Lieutenant, and a couple of other people from our Squad were the first people to respond to a burglary in a nearby suburban home. A man broke in thinking the place was empty only to find that the family was still inside. Sure, this kind of thing happens from time to time, but this time was different: by the time we arrived, it had turned into a hostage situation. While the Lieutenant called for backup, he told me to confront the perpetrator, assess the situation, and see if he had any demands. But that was not the thing that bothered me; it was the scene of the family that made it seem like I was reliving a nightmare. Maybe it was seeing the tears silently well up in the mother's eyes as she tried to cope with the gun to her head; maybe it was because their dad was almost shot as he told his kids everything would be alright, when his words did not come from his heart. Whatever it was, it was something I keep wishing I could forget. It did not take too long to detain the man with the family unharmed, so when we returned, we were rewarded with smiles and pats on the back. As if this unrequited gratitude is enough to outweigh the field work.
A couple things with this:
- "me, the Lieutenant, and a couple of other people from our Squad" should be switched to "The lieutenant, a couple squad members, and I..."
- Where did this robbery take place? Was it in the US? I'm finding it difficult to believe this, since there is a high percentage of guns in the civilian force for this EXACT reason.
- How does one man hold an entire family hostage? Assuming it was a family of at least three people (husband, wife, and child), one man with a gun can't hold everyone hostage...right? Also, if they were held hostage, how did Connors and his men hear of the robbery?
- Is this how hostage situations work? They send one police officer to hear the demands?
- How was this conflict resolved? If Connors is giving us some backstory as to what had happened (and how this event reminds him of the unknown, past event that continues to haunt him), surely we will be looking for every detail we can get to try to figure out what this tragic event is. Don't cut us short.
I turn off the lights to the Video Surveillance Room to get a better view of the screens.
- We are missing the setting until this moment. I can assume that he's in an office of some sort, but I don't know for sure. I surely didn't expect him to be in a surveillance room. If you want to not give it away, describe the room and the monitors. Maybe Connors watched the reflection of the monitors off of his badge. Perhaps instead of Krause knocking, him and his commander flipped on the lights and then said their words.
I watch as my friend Chris, prepares to walk into a room where another man--Thomas, I believe--is sitting
- This is a first person POV, so uncertainty should be reduced (if not eliminated). Especially if this is a police officer; he should know who he is monitoring.
I watch as my friend Chris, prepares to walk into a room where another man--Thomas, I believe--is sitting. Chris and I joined at about the same time. Since we were both new, and because he was so easy to talk to, we bonded rather quickly and remain close friends to this day. Although I made some other friends here during my career, Chris is the one that I associate myself with the most.
- Note of Chris' introduction and the placement of his description as well as his relation to Connors. This is placed correctly. Try to copy what you did here with Avery and Krause.
Is Thomas the armed robber that unsuccessfully held the hostage situation? Until we get to: "I would be down there and watch the interview in person with the few others who have nothing else to do, but after that hostage situation earlier today, I feel like I need some space to myself," I assumed Thomas was the armed robber. This should be adjusted.
I get lost in thought for a few minutes, so I am startled when Chris appears at the doorway to the room I'm in upstairs.
- What thoughts? We are Connors, so we should know what these thoughts are.
"Well I wouldn't take it that far, but thanks for that mental image though," I comment. "Anyways, aren't you supposed to be getting ready for the interrogation?"
- Interrogation? Why not debrief?
"Yep. But I thought I might just check on you before I do, and, you know, ease my curious mind."
- What is Connors giving away that his coworkers are seeing concern? First Krause, not Chris. Connor's reserve isn't enough to inflict this many concerns.
"Another one of those days?" He asks, taking note of my growing distance from the conversation.
- For a "best" friend in the workforce, Connors sure has a way of showing it. Part of me wants to believe that how Connors is acting would move to get him removed as a police officer on grounds of emotional instability.
especially when it has a taste so familiar it becomes almost bland.
- Why not sour? Repulsive? Why bland if it causes pain and regret?
I swivel my chair back to the monitors.
- We never got that the chair was rotated toward the door in the first place.
But what I do see is that he seems despondent and detached from what is happening.
- Perhaps Connors sees some of Thomas' detachment and then thinks of his own distancing efforts?
He does not make eye contact with the officer, and he sounds almost as if he's talking to himself. "Ok . . . my children . . . Jessica and Andrew . . . they asked to play outside in the backyard, they loved playing out there, and I told them they could. After that, I went to my room to work on paying our bills . . . It was hours later and I would've expected them to be inside by now . . . I looked out the back window, wondering if they were still playing tag like they tend to do, but they weren't there . . ."
- Who pays bills for hours?
He began to drift off, seemingly lost in thought.
- Connors is making assertions on third person omnipotent POVs can identify. If anything, Connors should speculate this, but it would be difficult for him to do so because of the camera quality.
I feel a wave of goose bumps run up my body when I hear that. I search through my mind, trying to formulate any guesses about the perpetrator, but come up with nothing useful.
- How could Connors? He's listening in through surveillance with an ineffective mic? He doesn't even have Chris' notes on him.
On the screen, I'm surprised to see Chris pull out his pistol from its holster and shoot multiple times at something outside of the room.
- Wasn't there a police officer behind the mirror? Shouldn't they have detected the threat first? Also, it's customary that those windows be bulletproof...how is Chris shooting through it?
- Connors is in the video surveillance room...surely one of those monitors should see what Chris is shooting at.
He looks away and desperately drags himself towards the exit on his left, that is, until the door shuts closed and locks.
- I'm not getting a description of what is doing these actions. Chris' neck is broken before Connors' very eyes. Thomas is crying in the corner as this is happening? What/who breaks Chris' neck? What is closing and locking the door (or rather, what opened the door in the first place)? How can Connors see that the door is being locked? You have some great action and suspense going on here, but it's lost without details. I need more!
I stare at the blank screen. In fact, all of the screens are blank. I'm breathing fast. I feel sweat on my face. My rapid heartbeats become thunder in the silence.
[Break] A civilian is being questioned (not interrogated) about his missing children (and his dead wife?). He screams in terror? Chris identifies the threat and draws his weapon. Shots are fired. Thomas is violently killed after Chris' neck is broken. In this instance, Connor's is in the position of seeing everything in the building because he happens to be in the video surveillance room. He should be seeing other officers reacting to the shots being fired or this threat entering the building, at least. I can justify Connor's focus on that ONE screen because of Thomas' erratic behavior, but when that camera goes out and ALL of them go out afterwards, this isn't believable.
I stare at the blank screen. In fact, all of the screens are blank. I'm breathing fast. I feel sweat on my face. My rapid heartbeats become thunder in the silence.
- Perhaps he's in shock, but if Connor's just saw that and then sees that all the monitors have lost connection, shouldn't he try to flee immediately? Or at least draw his gun?
My head jerks towards it, and its hands are frozen at five o'clock PM. I stand up, breathing faster and irregular. What the hell is this? I think. I turn towards the open door where Chris stood not too long ago and begin to walk out. What the hell what the hell what the hell! Haven't the other officers seen that? Why isn't anyone doing anything? I don't hear anyone doing anything. It's all gone silent. I have to get home. I have to get home now! Avery. . .
- Is Connors thinking this? Speaking aloud?
My thoughts stop at the same time as my feet do. I tense, watching in horror because no one is in the room outside. Before, there were plenty of people at their desks, receiving calls, and doing work on their computer.
- This would be more effective if you describe Connors walking through this room to get to the video surveillance room instead of stating it to the reader and then immediately changing it.
A dark shadowy figure with glowing yellow eyes.
- Surely Connors is armed. Why is his weapon not drawn yet, especially if he just watched an officer and civilian get murdered? There is a danger in the building. Surely, Connors would have at least drawn his weapon in order to protect himself, at least!
That thing now stands inside the doorway.
- How did Connors transition from the office back to the surveillance room? Is there another way out?
With its head cocked to the left, and a wide unsettling smile on its face.
- How can it smile if there are no facial features, except for the eyes?
This is an interesting read, but it does have some areas of improvement. The flow of this story is my main concern, as it reads choppily and with too many interruptions (last-minute inclusion of details, misplaced descriptions, etc.). The bigger issue of this is that fact that Connor's in haunted by something in his past (if not depressed by it). At first, it appeared that the story revolved around that, but instead, revolved around this murder and the mystery behind it. With that being said, his past and his reasons for joining the force really have no bearing on the story and the story would not be harmed if all of that was removed from this piece. I'm not sure if that was your objective or if I missed some vital information, but I read over this twice. I would look into this again and further develop the setting and your story flow. Your action will follow and so will your readers!
Good job. Looking forward to seeing what this becomes! |
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
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