I wasn't quite expecting the twist at the end! Haha.
Now, because this is free verse, I can't exactly tell you what you should and shouldn't do because it is your style, your central idea. But, what I can do is give you suggestions to a more open poem, one that brings the readers in :)
I like the surprise at the end, but if you get readers guessing, they will be more interested in the poem and want to keep reading to find the end result. That being said, I don't believe they keep the body's eyes open in the casket, so instead of him "staring at you with thoughts of love," it could be something like, "your eyelids are closed, but I know you're still watching me." It isn't blunt, but it gives a hint. "Could he be dead? Or is he just closing his eyes?" And then you could go on with the rest of your poem. give a little lee-way for questions :)
The only other thing I have to mention is it could probably use some imagery; take the reader where you are, describe things you're feeling, describe how his hands are cold or his face looks flushed, describe the smell of lingering cologne and salty water (tears).
Readers like to be involved and using the senses creates imagery and pulls us all in :)
The rhymes didn't sound forced and the metaphors you used fit very well with the overall piece. The only word or phrase I can think of that sounded only slightly foced was the tassel part, but you made up for that by reinforcing it into the poem again later.
The only thing worthy of suggesting you look into further would be the comma use. Lots of commas I see. It isn't bad because the commas were used appropriately, but the piece looks so bland and lifeless with all the pauses (courtesy of commas) in there :)
Don't be afraid to shake it up a little! Like for instance; you used:
"He searched for miles,
Climbed the highest mountain,
He even let the blood stain,
Through every endeavor, only a smile."
What you could do to shake it up would be:
He searched for miles;
Climbed the highest mountain
-He even let the blood stain-
And through every endeavor, only a smile.
Looks different and a little more "fun," yeah? :)
These are only suggestions, nothing more~
You have a truly beautiful fairy tale indeed! Keep on writing!
Wow, this was a stunning piece! Usually, making a breakfast as full as that brings joy to people. not bring them down! Haha.
The central theme that came across to me was depression; lack of faith in oneself and their goals, no present joy or any emotion for that matter, "blah," feeling to it, utter isolation from the readers.
I loved every descriptive word you used to convey the very sadness you felt whilst making this breakfast without making it cliche either :)
The only thing that I can think of that needs to be rethought is the fifth stanza, second line: "like fuel like bile." It doesn't really fit well with the rest of the sentence, so I would either join the two to make 1 comparison or take out the, "like fuel."
But otherwise, grammar and spelling were all in check!
Overall, this was an amazing piece, I truly enjoyed reading it :)
-Amanda.
The last line is especially what got to me. I also enjoyed the metaphors you used. Anyone can make a metaphor out of anything, but it takes skill to be able to create a metaphor and live up to its understanding and concept. I've also never seen that metaphor used before so kudos to you :)
You also used contrast very well in this piece, for without the concentration to contrast, the poem would have lost it's power.
My gosh, I greatly enjoy the concept behind this.
It is rarely noticed, or furthermore talked about, the happenings that go on around the "ol' watercooler," but you captured it perfectly.
It is an example of how people are seeing, but not really looking, hearing, but not really listening, yes? Even the word use made it seem very business-like although the poem is being played around a watercooler. Just a 'break' from duties, but not for so long. The technology reference was also well done.
I enjoy the little twist at the end. It is true, how that once you reach your goals there isn't much left to do, is there? Take something else, go for something new, have fun with it, what can you lose? That is the way your poem made me feel and I really liked that.
I could relate with it and it gives the reader something to grasp onto, something that's familiar to them, whilst reading this poem.
Because poetry is usualy so abstract you have no idea what what other poems are trying to say to you so it's hard to understand the concept.
This, however, was very enjoyable, light, and to the point, thank you for the read :)
Quite interesting, nice imagery very nice tone and feel to it! :)
However, it was very full of overused cliches. Like, for instance, you said: "My arms chained to despair, my mind engulfed with the fear of living, I am restricted in the valley of choices."
How about changing it up to something like this: " My arms chained to iron bars of cold and tears. my mind engulfed by last thoughts, I'm restricted in the valley of damp reasoning."
Or something along the lines of that, simply because it gives a thing you can hold, feel, see, and taste to your abstract nouns :) Show; don't tell so you should probably fix your last lines to something that shows the reader what 'over' feels or tastes like, and hwen or what soon is :)
Anyway, I very much liked it :) Keep writing and improving! :)
Wow, quick and to the point, very powerful and compelling!
The imagery that flowed through your word choice was incredible, i was watching this scene in front of me. It made me think about what was going to happen even though I knew the answer already through reading the title.
I had to read it over again, it was just that provocative :) Great work!~
No real constructive crit. to give here :)
Wow, I'm absolutely gushing over this poem!! Truly a work of art :)
I loved the contradictions and the metaphors you used, simply excellent.
My eyes kept wandering down the lines, the stanzas and I just couldn't look away, it created an excellent mental picture in my head and I deeply enjoyed it , just great imagery :)
Great work!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dreamscreaming
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:11pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
