Cute story. Very relatable/believable. It flowed nicely and was easy to read. I was able to picture the boy, but the daughter's appearance was a little abstract. (That may have been intentional - not sure?) Editing is not my strong point, but there may be times a period or semicolon could be used instead of a comma. Example: I fear that he takes risks, he was always such an adventuring little boy, always poking at things he shouldn't and climbing to see what was beyond his reach.
Consider restructuring the sentence: I fear he takes risks. He was always such an adventurous little boy; always poking at things he shouldn't and climbing to see what was beyond his reach.
I'm not sure if this sentence is supposed to read "I can't be sure" ;instead of "I can be sure": Sure, I've met one or two of her friends and they seem like nice girls, well mannered, but can I be sure that when they leave here they act the same?
These are just minor things that caused me to re-read a few sentences. You told a good story. Keep writing!
This was an amazing story! The descriptions of each detail were beautifully written. I began reading this story with the intent to critique it and offer constructive criticism; only to find there is nothing I can find to improve upon. Congratulations! You have a wonderful talent!
I like the descriptiveness throughout the story and I think you did a very good job describing the culture as the story progressed. Your descriptions of both the charactrers and the environment made it easy for me to draw a picture of the surroundings in my mind. I have to say, it did take a second look for me to seperate Cellan and Zeran because they were introduced so closely together, so the only thing I might suggest is just a small one or two sentence filler between the introduction of Cellan and the introduction of Ziran ,but all-in-all I really did like it! Nicely written, and I would like to see the next installment! Thanks for sharing!
This was a great story....it made me cry and laugh as it made me think of my own daughter who will someday leave home...very well written, easy to follow along and picture the details. I didn't see any noticeable errors. I don't know if this was a true story, but you made me believe it was. Thank you for sharing!
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