Ok, its a good start. It seems like you have a good grasp on description. I can see your characters very well.
However, the description gets in the way of the flow a bit. I would suggest working on showing us only the most relevant details.
For example, these lines:
"With my red silk nightgown clinging to my chest, I slid out from under the ocean blue bedspread and walked sleepily to the bathroom. I flipped the light switch on as I crossed the threshold and was greeted with a hideous sight when I looked in the mirror"
could be condensed, perhaps like this:
"I slid out of bed, my silk nightgown clinging to my chest. I flipped the bathroom light switch. The light stung my eyes and revealed a hideous sight in the mirror."
Once you are able to figure out which details are important, you can work them into the action so that everything flows well.
My favorite part is the "nightgown clinging to my chest" line. I think all of us have woken in a cold sweat, and you capture that well with this description.
Above all, keep writing! Writing is a craft that needs practice just like everything else. Read and write, and you will have stories that people cannot put down!
Thank you for this article. New authors can benefit a lot from your advice. While you focus much attention on grammar, have you considered a section on other writing tools? For example, how to write in the active voice, showing not telling, etc? When I began writing, some of these topics were difficult to understand; I know I would have benefited greatly from having them laid out in an article like this.
Excellent work writing within the horror genre! My heart was pounding following your characters through this short story. It is written well.
You start the story in a great place, but it is at first a little confusing having so many characters the reader doesn't know talking. Also, its a little bit in before we find out that Johnny is a bit over weight, and we never see a description of Becky. I would have liked to know a little bit more about them. On the other side, you do an excellent job relaying to the reader the false bravado of the narrator, and how that easily breaks down in the house.
Over all this is a well-written piece that keeps you reading and your heart pounding. Thank you for writing!
I love this side of the hero story--that not everyone turns out to be who they want to be. When the moment comes, many would not be as courageous as they think in their heads.
I think you execute it pretty well. I would like to see a bit more attention to the action scenes. Make them a little longer, maybe drop the reader into those scenes a little more with some dialogue. Also, what do these scenes smell like? Blood is rank; it could help pull the reader into the scene by describing how it smells.
I like the three brothers. They each are well-drawn characters.
Overall, good job. You mention that it is still a work in progress, so I'd love to read it again when you update it!
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