The language of this piece needs to be worked on. For example "Had my vacations and all I had been doing was spend hours on Facebook doing nothing meaningful" This is incoherent. The sentence is a reflection in the form of a question and is more powerful in that form, not as a statement. The question gives the reader a tool for introspection. It should read: "Had my vacations and all I had been doing, spending hours on Facebook, been meaningless?" The narrator must answer this and hopefully make it a question the reader will want to answer.
The narrator is Pakistani? I'm unable to discern this with any certainty.
The martyred captain---also Pakistani? What makes him a martyr? A rocket to the chest? Don't buy it. People die from a variety of causes and that one is not any more special than any other method. Convince the read that he was a martyr, don't just tell them.
What was the soldier doing so far away from the Ivory Coast? How did he get to Pakistan from Africa? And why Pakistan? Your story would be more compelling if the reader knew more about the Captain. As is he's a second thought, an excuse without merit. Give the character a background and make him important. Saying he's was important to the narrator doesn't show us why?
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/doremus_jessup
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:44am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
