Death dominates my thinking so I can relate to what is being said here.
Referencing our coming mortality to the telling of a story with an ending is a nice way to imagine what it looks like.
Also like the idea of the rose that blooms then dies.
I do think there is work that can be done. This sounds like the ideas you write down as a formulation. The next stage is to think how this should be told, how this sounds when it is read aloud, how it could grow from here.
A better telling of how this looks, happens, how it is relatable to the everyday would improve the poem greatly. Show and don't tell as much, old advice that has some value.
Welcome, fellow newbie and hoping I can help others as others help me.
The idea here is great but I think the execution needs work.
There is a lot of explanation that makes it more of a list than a poem. Lists are employed in poems but they would involve much more description of how these emotions play and out showing us your behaviour rather than telling us how you are feeling.
Dominic
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