I think you have created a very interesting character here in Jessica, and I think this story should definitely go on to the finish. I like the way you do not hurry things.
I will be featuring this story in my Mystery Newsletter for the week of December 24th; some Christmas feast, huh? I am giving it my monthly prize to encourage you to finish it.
I have many reservations about the writing. The chief one is the number of run-on sentences or places where phrases need a semi-colon to separate them, not commas. For example: The stride had a heavy tread that made it sound pissed, my lips curled into a definite smirk, my night had just gotten better.
Three separate thoughts, connected albeit, but they should either take two semi-colons or be made into three short sentences. I would lean toward the latter because it adds a certainly leanness to this graphically brutal story.
There are a number of other places this occurs: the sentence that begins "There was something about Lucinda Alverez that irked me" is one, and in that sentence, check the spelling of was and think about eliminating the word 'just' It is not needed; it is an oral word used when speaking more than one used to write.
Blowing out a stream of smoke as I leaned against a battered light post, contemplating my scuffed work boots. Now this isn't a sentence; make it I contemplated my scuffed work boots.
"I fight the urge to cover my sensitive ears" has tense disagreement; the story is told past tense.
"I noticed that several officers where getting reacquainted the their dinners, and quite a few more were looking extremely pale. where s/b were and there is an extra 'the'
Several places the plural pronoun is used in conjunction with a singular subject. Did the killer bring extra blood with them? I know you are trying to avoid choosing the gender of the killer, and perhaps there is no better way to do it, but some might object.
There was a hint of rain, not unusual in Seattle, but the smell of forest and something primal was. The second part of this sentence is very awkward because the comparison is to the qualifier in the first thought. Maybe The hint of the odor of rain was not unusual in Seattle, but the smell of forest, and something primal, was.
Victor Freemont in one place, Freeman in another.
I let my hands shift slightly; elongating the fingers and nails, unfortunately that also required several other changes, like a fine layer of silky black hair covering them up to my elbows and paw pads appearing on my palms. Neither of which bothered me but I would have to shift them back before my hands left the drawer, things like that had a tendency to make people nervous. This is a perfect example of what I said earlier. 'shift slightly [comma, not semi-colon, elongating is a modifying phrase, not a separate thought] slightly, elongating the fingers and nails. Unfortunately that also required several other changes. A fine layer of silky black hair began to cover my arms up to my elbows; paw pads appeared on my palms. I was used to this, but I would have to transform myself back before taking my hands out of the drawer. People tend to get nervous when seeing my wolven signs.
As I said earlier, do go on with the story; you have something here. david |
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