I like your poem, it is like you are writing a love letter to the moon :) I just noticed a few spelling mistakes that will clean up your piece;
-apon should be spelled upon
-hevens should be heavens
-churig should be churning -beuty should be beauty
These are just little spelling mistakes, if you type your poem out in Word and use the spell check, it helps a lot. That's what I do :P
Great job, keep writing!
This a great story. You use wonderful descriptions that really paint an image for the reader. I love how you give just another seemingly homeless man a special anticipation, so that the reader feels as if there is something special about the man. I also have to say that your story was the perfect length for me (I have a slightly short attention span) and the ending was beautiful.
Here are a few suggestions to help with the grammar and syntax of the piece:
-In the second sentence : "their aroma barely masked by the cold"
"their" is a collective word, meaning that it refers to more than one person. If the sentence is talking about the old man, then it should say "HIS aroma barely masked by the cold" so that it refers to only the old man.
-In the third paragraph, it starts off "When the old bell tower..." , you do not the 'when' there. It reads better if you get rid of that word so that it simply says "The old bell tower..."
-In the same paragraph, you start a sentence "And wonders whether, when he is gone..." It is better not to start sentences with words like And, But, etc. because it makes the subject unclear. I suggest that you replace 'And' with 'He' so that the subject is clear.
-the last sentence in that paragraph "Especially all those he once knew..." would work better with a period at the end because it is not an interrogative sentence.
-"Even his oldest memories somehow bound up..." I'm not as sure on this one, but I think that if you replace 'bound' with 'bind' (the present tense of the verb) it would sound better, because the story uses present tense.
These are just some suggestions; overall, you have great grammar and story telling talent, so it's not much to worry about :)
Great job!
Flash fiction is such a fun genre! And in terms of flash fiction, your piece is constructed wonderfully. You set the scene through dialougue and a first person pint of view. The story was entertaining the whole wa through and ended with a fun and surprising twist. The twist worked so well because it was subtle (not forced) and provided the perfect note to leave off on.
I looked through your piece several times for anything to correct, but the grammar, syntax, diction, and tone all seems fine to me! Great work! If you like flash fiction, you could try writing drabbles-- stories written in exactly 100 words.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dinasyke
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.05 seconds at 3:05am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
