A Soundtrack to Eternity
"Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, and Eternity in an hour." William Blake
Rated:18+
by A.T.B.-recovering (12)
July 12/2010
Rating Given (Scale 1-5 stars)
4
What I Liked
1. HOT!! Love the dance floor scene
2. Romantic: I love how they sit and talk after the club, very sweet and obviously loving each other.
3. I adore your analogies (or do I mean metaphors?example sentences?), they are fabulous, add so much to the story, are incredibly inventive and really bring things into focus i.e. 'More groping went on in that pack of people tonight than in a four-handed proctologist's entire career.'
4. Funny! I laughed out loud in several places(see above).
5. The conversation seemed very real to life, as well as the drug experience
6. Love how you centered the theme around the Blake quote.
What I Feel Could Use A Little Work
1. Carly is never described except as being underage.
2. "Hot as dammit" doesn't feel right as a description, maybe another describing sentence i.e. hot as molten lava.
3. You could cut out a few words here and there, pare it down into a leaner sentence i.e. 'They paid their fifteen bucks, received their twink-tag wristbands at the door, and plunged into..', you don't really need 'at the door', its pretty implicit. Also, "can't believe they got him to begin with." doesn't really need the 'to begin with', draws it out too much. This sentence, "...stretched a hundred yards from the entrance along the side of the club, and on up into the street." is a bit long and you could drop the 'along the side of the club'.
4. Is 'north Georgia Waffle House' supposed to be 'North Georgia...' or do you mean its a 'Georgia Waffle House' in the north?
5. Not sure who's speaking here:
"You won't believe this DJ," Puck was saying. "I still... "What's the occasion?"
6. This sentence (If he’s as stoned as I am, Carly thought. He'll be just fine.) needs quotation marks. "If he's as stoned as I am," Carly thought, "He'll be just fine."
Overall
Really great story, I enjoyed it very much, any story that makes me laugh out loud rates high with me.
Please take this review in the spirit it was intended, i.e. just my impressions.
Very helpful information in this article, thank you. I recently joined the WDC Power Reviewers and this article, and your other piece (Comment-In-A- Box) on your personal rating system, will be invaluable to me. I often feel very timid to make negative comments, that perhaps I am being nit-picky, or an not qualified to judge, but with your guidelines I will be a more assured reviewer. Myself, I find honest, in-depth reviews of my work to be so much more helpful than just 'pat's on the back' type reviews. Thank you for taking the time to detail what a reviewer needs to do to make his reviews really count..
My keyboard looks perfect but, then again I only bought my keyboard like 6 months ago, a new wireless one. I have two more put away, with them it was the keys became 'confused' , i.e. I'd hit 'h' and get 'j'. Something to do with my ferrets constantly running across my keyboard LOL. I never used them that much, to tell you the truth, so they look pretty good too. You obviously type A LOT!!
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