Doth such a female exist
that she holds your breath
in the palm of her fist?
Consumes your mind
all the time
no play, only rewind
She drinks before you eat
lays her knife down
and her life
at your feet
For you would only have to forget
forget the blood, the passion, and the sweat,
For you would have only to forget
the very second she left and made you her pet.
She is nothing! Nothing to you!
Her name be Memory
and to her ghost
you stay ever true.
I very much enjoy how you made me go through the same emotion as your protagonist and was myself relieved to find only a rabbit. The piece flows perfectly unencumbered by anything at all. Perfect!
Adorable ! I very much appreciate the fact that you actually DO rhyme ! Too many things titled 'poetry' out there and not enough rhyming; I was beginning to wonder if rhyming was in fact becoming a lost art ! Yay for you!
I had to re-read the sentence 'He turns to Lethor to see as usual he's taking in the country side.' and unfortunately I still am not sure as to what you are trying to relay.
Also, I would recommend maybe not using so many exclamation marks. They seem more in place when used after a statement made by one of your characters rather than a narrative sentence.
'Homin's eyes squint slightly causing wrinkles to appear in his forehead...' is a complete sentence in itself. You may want to separate it from the rest of the sentence and make them two. There are more grammatical errors also like commas not being used appropriately. Maybe you could install a grammar checker on your pc or something.
I think if you removed the word 'we' in the second line you may find it holds more of an impact on the piece as a whole. Also it focuses the reader from the start on what you are trying to get them to see in the end.
I just joined and don't have anything posted yet, but please feel free to review my work as well. I know every author holds their work precious and was just hoping to give you a perspective from another angle.
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