The imagery is strong and the tone, consistently malevolent. The rhyme pattern is interesting and easily achieved. A creative use of ghetto slang, which fits the piece nicely. I can Cee Yo Evil Self muckin up the devil's crib, Yo!
I totally love how it moves from the "king's english" to dark slang! Total!
Please accept my review of your poetry. This piece has a very unique structure that seems to convey the ebb and flow of the health, the mind of the subject's waning grandmother. I feel the structure matches the events in the piece nicely and gives the events added portent. This piece captures the loss the subject feels as their loved one slips away, and as a result the subject has to deal with not only loss, but a changing of the guard, the acceptance of a role to which they are not accustomed.
I very much felt the sadness and grief in this piece. It also very effectively conveys the subjects reluctance to engage in the process before them, one that the subject recognizes as out of their control. The poem is also demonstrates honor as the child or grandchild, despite the struggle, holds dear precious memories for them both.
Please accept my review of your poem "Today's Child." The theme is excellent and timely. This is the kind of piece that should be published to inform. It is easy to read with a clear message and clear imagery. After reading your last stanza, my reaction was, "I agree." Too many parents have no idea what consequences may be when their children peruse the internet unguarded. Too trusting is exactly right.
I find no problems until the 6th stanza: He could be someone dangerous or just wanting to be what he was. I am unsure of the reference in the latter part of the line "wanting to be what he was." Otherwise, I find this piece to be relevant, and important.
Thank you for allowing me to review your piece. Please accept my review as one who is an avid reader. I am not a professional writer.
You have accomplished a feeling of great sadness and despair in your poem. It come from the perspective of one who has been hurt and has not been able to recapture the feeling of happiness, nor a sense of purpose to their lives despite great effort. The mood of the piece is consistent throughout and does reach the reader. You do this very well.
I love the phrase "noise of sorrow." I would have liked to see some imagery associated with this provocative phrase. Indeed, there is such a richness of experience in this piece that some imagery would increase the power of the emotional tones. Try to replace "pat phrases" like "light at the end of the tunnel" with a more original image that reflects the experience of the subject. When we use "pat images' too often the reader already has an idea in mind and defaults to their idea instead of continuing to listen to the writer.
I also noticed that you changed subjects from "you" to "I." Perhaps this was intentional? I just wanted to bring it to your attention.
Thank you for sharing your poetry and the privilege of offering you a review.
Hello. Thank you for the opportunity to review.
1. I would have like to see more symptoms of adrenal failure identified. I believe this would be useful in this section.
2. Adoption in and of itself is not considered traumatic, and does not necessarily result in a dx of PTSD. Neither is poverty. Some may find the inclusion of adoption and poverty here as perjorative, as well as misleading.
3. Obsession is a diagnostic category all of its own. While this is basically correct, you may want to use a strong synonym so that lay people do not become confused.
Please accept my review as an avid reader for I am not a professional writer. Your piece has excellent form and flow. Your use of language is distinct and is consistent in its ability to form fine imagery. The one possible exception is the use of the word "prey" in the first line, which immediately leads the reader to an image of an act of savagery perpetrated by cruel birds. The image is rapidly corrected in the second line, but I am not sure that you are looking for this conflict as the rest of the poem has no such conflicts.
I thank you for your poetry and permission to review.
Thank you for writing this poem. I am impressed at your ability to capture this type of experience being that it is not your own, but that of your friend. The tone is quite stark and accomplishes reflecting the suddenness of the resurgent memory. I also think you did a good job of capturing the initial numbness around the memory as it transforms into waking emotion, into perhaps disturbing emotion and its consequences.
I find the last stanza cryptic and compelling. I cannot help but wonder what the consequences were for the subject, particularly because of the use of the word "deadly." I am not suggesting that you add to the poetry, just that it leaves the question to the reader's imagination.
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