Hi Robert,
Your story has a good basic concept and a great potential for further expression, but in my experience I felt you need to develop the scene in more depth.
As a reader I want the first chapter to lead me into the countryside, where are we, what type of nation is it and what are the people like. I expect depth and the ability to feel a part of the characters and the location, and at the moment this is underdeveloped in your story.
I do not know how much background development you have done for your story, things such as drawing the land within which your characters are going to operate, identifying the key features and land, identifying the key characters - who they are, how old they are, who they are related to, what they like and dislike, what are their strengths and weaknesses of character and of course what they are supposed to do.
As an example -:
Assumptions:
Land: The land is non technological. There are sparsely located major cities but most settlements are rural or semi-rural villages and trading towns. The balance of the land is farming around the villages and towns with areas between these interspersed with forests or other non farmed lands. The land is primarily English in nature.
Politics: There is possibly an overall ruler of the entire land but their power is limited to military action - suggested by the presence of your army deserters. The rule is lax enough that individual regions and even villages set their own rules without much challenge and do not really see themselves as part of the "whole".
Len: Is an unusual looking but not necessarily ugly young man. He is of sturdy build. His task is ??? (but part of it is seeking information). He does not appear to have an offial role indicated by his travelling role and lack of papers. He is clearly not a spy of any nature or he would have sought information that would allow him to pass through these situations without bringing attention to himself. The assumption is therefore that he is seeking the information for some personal purpose not official purpose, and potentially has been set the task out of revenge or from a wiser source.
Incorporating these assumptions your first two paragraphs:
"Len sighed in relief as he stepped out of the woods to the sight of a small village. He’d been wandering through the trees for hours, ever since the path through the woods had ended abruptly, and his normally clean white hair was now green with the leaves and twigs stuck in between his locks.
Despite the quaint, rustic look of the place, Soldier’s Respite was a fairly new village, having been erected only 50 years ago. According to the rumors Len had heard, a group of soldiers during the infamous Kellar Conflict betrayed their commander, who had gone mad with his obsession for victory, and set up camp at this spot, reluctant to return home and face almost certain death for their mutiny. After smuggling their families out of their kingdom, the base camp was transformed into a small village almost overnight."
Can be “padded out” to something like this .
The warmth of the sunlight revitalized Len’s energy as the dank of the forest finally released him. His arms ached from cutting through the undergrowth; he had many times cursed at the birds whose call taunted him from high in the trees. Their path had been easy, to coast along on the roads of the breeze, but for him the abrupt end to the forest path had meant the abandonment of his horse, and the beginning of toil for both mind and body. The dense foliage had sought to embrace him like a desperate lover and it was with much effort he had come to leave her. His white hair was littered with the flora that was evidence of his unrequited love for his surroundings.
From the tree line he viewed the small village near the bottom of the hill. It was unremarkable, hastily build wooden structures spoke of newness and desperation. There was no evidence of long term habitation in either design or symbol. No monuments spoke of long dead heros and the buildings seemed to sigh with mundane similarity. It was quaint but in the way a mother’s apron was quaint, it was ordinary.
Yet Len knew, or at least hoped, this place; if it was indeed the right place; was anything but ordinary. He scanned the village for signs and noted the simple words “Soldier’s Respite” painted on the front of one of the unremarkable buildings. Len laughed to himself, respite indeed, a soldier would find better respite fishing on the banks of a river than entertaining himself in the dullness that ebbed from this sad congregation of wood. Looks were deceptive and Soldier’s Respite served its purported purpose well. What better place for an anarchic community to hide in anominity. If the rumours were true the mutineers of the Kellar Conflict were housed here with their families. In this village that proclaimed its lack of importance, supposedly dwelt a commander who had been obsessed with power. How depressing for him it must be that the only power he had won was as master of the development of a sluggish existence in a barely known backwater. Fifty years ago the man may have been a man of purpose and desire, now, if he stilled lived, he was probably as grey as his surroundings.
You have some good basic descriptors in your story, just expand them to give them some feeling and to draw your reader into your story. Imagine what you are writing as a film and think about all the features you can see and the feelings given to you by the facial expressions of the actors and the mood music in the background. Then convey this into the words that describe your story.
Well done, I am looking forward to seeing your further writing.
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