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Review by DarkAngyl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a nice story that really lets us see that sometimes a hero isn't very heroic. Very grity and nicely done.

I do have a few suggestions for you, keep in mind these are just suggestions and should be treated as such. *Smile*

The bloodied war axe descended downward towards the fallen child’s exposed neck, ready to complete yet another slaughter of an innocent. In this sentence I'd drop the word downward out. Descended covers it just fine.

His now lifeless body fell to the cobblestones with a resounding thud and his blood joined that of the innocents he had slaughtered. I'd drop the word now here. I think it flows better without it, and though using now there doesn't break the tense it does strain against it. I'd suggest the same thing for this sentence as well. No emotion was visible on the man’s face as the boy fled away from him and back towards the now smoldering village.

“You would ask for all that we have after knowing fully well that these damned orcs took almost everything away from us?!” Here I'd drop the word after again to make the sentence flow better. It's not really needed in the sentence.

A pity for you that you are the one to represent those oath breakers.” The mercenary said coldly, his hand closing around his jeweled sword hilt. I'd try it this way oath breakers," the mercenary said coldly Use a comma after the last quoted word and lowercase the dialogue tag.

Orson fell silently to the stone ground, a gaze of horror forever held in his eyes. Here I'd drop gaze of, I think that it would read better without them. I know, I know...I seem to be hung up on flow today... *Wink*

One last one and I promise I'll leave ya alone...*Wink* “Perhaps now you wish to pay the remainder of my contract?” the mercenary said inquisitively, holding out his hand.
 Here I would change said inquisitively to asked. More simple and direct that way and you don't feel pulled out of the narrative like you do with the pesky adverb in the tag.

Again these are just my suggestions. I hope that they are of some help to you. You've got a great tone in this story and I enjoyed reading it.

Good luck to you and write on!

DA
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