The description caught my eye. I'm originally from South Carolina, but I live in England now, so I know Charleston well, but I'd already moved here when the fire occured). Overall, you did a good job, but you could add more imagery. I think you could word it a bit stronger too. For instance changing "It was seen by all for miles" to "All could see it for miles" or "Everyone could see it for miles" sounds better. (It's called active versus passive voice, if you don't know.)
Overall, this is lovely. "As the moon peeks through the curtains of heaven" is a beautiful image. I like the synesthesia in "Purple monotones of music play in my head." However, there are a few things that weaken this piece. For instance, in "Sparkling stars shine the way," sparkiling is just a bit too ordinary a way to describe stars, but you can obviously disagree with anything I say. I don't think you need to say "musical lullaby." It just seems redundant.
I like this poem a lot, and with a little work, it could be great, instead of good. I'd like to see more punctuation. For example, I'd punctuate the first lines:
Descending from bursting mists of darkened heavenly skies,
the pores of the earth's crusts fill once more
replenishing with watery oil that cleanses the very wounds,
infected by the miasma of the once daily grind.
I don't think you need the comma in "Monstrous childlike stomping, or havens for winged passersby" though.
You can omit a lot of words and make this stronger. For example, do you need "heavenly" in "darkened heavenly skies"? I also tend to avoid adverbs, so I think you could get rid of "very" in "cleanses the very wounds" because it really doesn't add meaning. In "A seed of life doth germinates," you could omit "doth" because it doesn't add anything, and the correct verb form would be "doth germinate" if you decide to keep it.. "Once" in "once daily grind" could just as easily go.
You also use a few phrases that aren't the freshest: "windows to the world" and "daily grind," for instance. Just say those in a newer way, and the piece will be infinitely stronger.
Please don't think I'm being harsh because I only give such in depth criticism to poems/ poets that have potential. You can also feel free to disagree with anything I say because it's your poem after all.
I can relate to this. I've tried all of my life to get my father's approval to no avail. I'm sick of pining for someone who doesn't care for me, so I've basically given up on the situation. I think more punctuation would be nice.
I like the idea behind this; there's a voyeur in all of us, though most won't admit it. It's kind of her fault for standing naked before a window, and she didn't rush to close the curtains when she saw you. Though I like repetition, but this might have too much of a good thing. Perhaps, you could combine some lines and omit some repetition. Rhyme is something I can take or leave too, and here it's a bit hit or miss. However, I prefer an imperfect rhyme scheme to a forced one.
I think everyone can relate to this: pretty much everyone has known someone who has died young from a horrible disease or accident. I'd proofread this because you have a few errors in spelling and syntax, but it's well written overall (especially as this suggests that you're quite young). It's nice of you to pay tribute to someone like this.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cuddledumplin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 3:23pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
