I saw this posted on "Invalid Item" so I thought I'd check it out.
Great story! Really easy to read, and well written. It kept me in suspense and held my interest all the way through.
Some things I wanted to comment on...
My fingers slide into the my pocket
I turn down the first aisle and let my fingers run along the line of chips, making them sing out their foiled crackle.
Damn, sweet one. I like that line a lot.
“Uhhh,” what do I say?
Try, "Uhhh." What do I say?
Similarly, close to the end, you have: “Well,” damn it; this is all I’ve got.
Try: "Well." Damn it; this is all I've got.
I killed the clerk, why couldn’t that be enough?
This line does not ring true to me. I cannot imagine it being what goes through the character's head at that point. It seems like the type of justification and attempt to quell guilt that might arise well after the heat of the moment, but not seconds after or during.
“Buck. In a minute they’ll in here with a stretcher,”...
They'll "be" in here with a ...
I laugh too, rummaging his hair.
Is rummaging the word you are looking for here? It seems to imply that the hair is being searched.
"In ten minutes I watch them all leave..."
This paragraph is not indented like the others. Not a big deal, just thought I'd let you know.
I move back to the back of the store...
Or try, "I return to the back of the store."
I slowly pull the gun towards Shelley, and conduct my symphony of steel.
Wow, nice end!
Not sure if I was able to stomach the blossoming romance during this story. I was expecting the girl to find the main character monstrous when he went back to her side. He did just kill a man in front of her. Wouldn't that be a huge turn off? Yes, she was suitably shocked for the most part, but I think she would also be afraid of him, or angry with him, no matter what her personality is. I wonder if you made it so that he knew the girl from before his jail time. That way, we can assume she understands him on some level & thinks of him as more than just a robber and a murderer.
"I was in great spirits as I sat across the desk from Mrs. Taylor, who was about to become my new landlady"
Sounds a bit peculiar to me. What about "I was in great spirits when..." Up to you, but I prefer that to what you have and for an opening line I think what I suggested sounds a little crisper.
“““That’s great … Fred,” she said, not offering her first name.””
Is it important that she didn’t mention her first name? I'd omit that.
“Only the refrigerator announced that it was alive by emitting a soft purr.” I like this line! Though I’d remove the next line about the soft purr not being what the sound he is looking for though. Seems repetitive.
No criticism here but, “I decided to have a beer.” Good idea! I just went and got one from the fridge because of this story. Haha!
“After another forty minutes, my bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and den looked like scenes from a yard sale gone bad.” Funny!
“I had no idea that flowing water could have such an impact so quickly. By the time I found the small cut-off valve under the sink, the kitchen floor was swamped. Half an hour later, everything I owned that could absorb water, other than what I was wearing, had soaked up what it could. The den carpet “squished” when I walked on it.” This has me giggling too. :)
In fact much of the 2nd half of this story had me chuckling. I liked it! Especially where he says it is not a noise, but a sound. Reminded me of Larry David.
Fun one. Good job! Thanks for the read!
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