This is a really good poem that I had to read several times to get the feel (which I find to be a mark of great work). Love the atmosphere and the gothic nature of the piece. Well done.
I'm not to sure about the refrainment from any punctuation but I'm sure there is a reason behind this. All in all though really enjoyable.
Hi Nikki, I really want to review this as I really want you to keep going, so please don't find my critique off-putting. Alas, we all must face critique as writers.
There are some instant improvements that you can make to this piece, adding more paragraphs as to not put the reader off and using punctuation.
Also try to avoid mentioning a person or place twice ie, ‘he pulled me away into the forest until we found a clearing deep in the heart of the forest.’
Also you may wish to avoid cliché characters such as the high school jocks. Build your characters with a tapestry of emotions. That way you can give them substance.
I don’t want you to be upset, this seems like a first draft and given time it can be polished. Try to think upon every line and to think is this really necessary to the story and if it’s not chop it out. That way you don’t go off on tangents and can fix your mind purely on the dialogue and telling a great tale.
Hope this helps
Hi Law, this is a very strong piece with a brilliant start. I can tell that it's well-polished and written very neatly with some fantastic visuals. It's one of those pieces that feels publishable, if you get my meaning. If the story is there then it has a real chance. One negative and it's only small, the paragraph lengths seem maybe a bit chunky. Perhaps chopping them into smaller chunks may help the flow.
Overall though great start and it’s made me want to read more!
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