I love this piece! Your rhyme scheme and flow are dead on. The content is simple, yet complex in its own way. You've got a way with words here. I love, "The summer heat melts flesh to seat, and out skin dries up like toast." Fantastic! Great job. Write On!
I enjoyed the natural rhythm that seemed to flow from this piece, but I didn't quite understand what was going on. Granted, many poems are left open-ended for the reader to decide, but this seems personal and somehow stifled. I'm not sure if the fifth line is a typo or not, "Your health is NOW what it used to be", did you mean not? The lack of punctuation can make a reader rush through the words instead of considering each phrase, too. When you say, "That smile of yours hasn't been seen in years" it almost seems to imply that THAT smile is on his/her face right now, even though it has already been said that he/she has a frown. Readers wont know THAT smile, maybe you could make them know it though. However, after reading it a few times, I think the content is pretty solid... it only needs to be made more clear. Good job, nonetheless. Write On!
I love the content of the poem. Your rhyme scheme is dead on and catchy. The flow is a little rough, though. Your first, third and fourth stanzas are short and choppy, but in a good way. Your second stanza has much longer lines and kind of throws the reader off. Maybe work on a way to make it flow more evenly, and you will have a fantastic piece here. Great job, nonetheless. Write On!
Carpe
The content of this poem is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You repeated some words within two lines, that kind of bothered me... If it was intentional, then don't mind me. But there are a few places I noticed it, such as:
"As more time goes by I begin to feel that you were only ever a (dream),
Just some beautiful memory, like a lingering (dream), of another time and place,"
You just said it was a dream, and then you repeat it. Another comparison might be stronger.
"I can still feel your touch, the soft and (gentle) cress as your hand ever so (gently) touches mine."
Maybe replacing one with another word for 'gentle' it would sound less repetitive.
Like I said, I did enjoy this poem very much. It has a nice natural voice and has amazing content. Nice job!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 2:14pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
