So far so good!
I'm definitely intrigued by your story, and not just because of the plot; also your awesome characterization. I want to know all about Villahr's past in the next installment! Was he born like this, or did he grow into the creature he has become (not vampire and not quite human, you said?). Is Reveal his child, and if so is the mother the one who Villahr was reminded of when the baby laughs, or someone else? And most important, why does a vampire pick him of all people for a midnight snack?
If I could make one minuscule suggestion though; I noticed that you used the word "male" to describe one of the men a time or two. Although the description is accurate and the reader is capable of figuring out to whom the author is referring, such a word is usually used to differentiate two characters, which, in this case, is useless seeing as they both are male. I would recommend changing it to something a little less general, for instance, you've used the word "vampire" several times, it could work again here. Or even the word "intruder, or something else to the like.
Of course the decision is yours, and it really does no harm to your story. :)
I'll be waiting for that next chapter! ;)
-Iris
I feel sad to say I can relate to this, especially the 5th stanza. You've really captured a hopeless feeling that one would feel as their options dwindle down to nothing. Reading this, I can practically see the shell of an exhausted person give up on life, Ii's really quite touching. Good imagery equals good writing, so good job :D
Happy readings!
-Iris
I'm sorry I don't have much to say for the content, I feel like you're trying a bit to hard to rhyme in the first stanza. And I'm pretty sure you were trying to say 'lure". Or maybe "lower"?
At any rate, good plot, sad story. You should mention what your static item is in the discription(aka poem, song, etc). Good job, write on!
-Iris
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