Overall Response to the Narrative:I enjoyed this, I'm gonna state that right off the bat. I think you've got a real good idea here. A cyber engineered evolutionary plague is a cracking and probably quite realistic plot point. I think as humans we will face challenges related to what it means to be human in the next few decades, you've approached the subject well here and there's a lot you can do with it. I got a good sense of the state of the world by the time I'd finished reading, the way human society had splintered and formed new larger pan-continental groups was easy to grasp even without really being told the exact details. There is definitely an idea to grow here. The philosophical questions a novel on this subject could raise would be worth reading for alone.
The Writing:
In terms of the writing I think you're heading in the right direction but I think you need to work slightly on what is happening in the gaps between people speaking. Some of your sentences are a bit confusing or run on a little more than I feel they should. I also found my self a little lost in who was who aside from the President, the Doctor and the main character and I think this was because they felt a little under-embellished. I'd say you should give them a little bit more role description through what they say and/or what they do in the gaps between dialogue.
The dialogue was good and felt natural, I don't think it felt forced or cliché. It seemed very corporate, which is exactly what I would expect from a room full of corporate big-wigs come politicians and of course the dialogue is key here. This is essentially meant to create the feel of a transcript I presume? In that sense you have definitely achieved, I do feel though it would benefit from a little more scene setting and some more time with the individual characters concerned. Their initial description is good but then I found myself floundering for who was who.
Conclusion:
With some more work on your interconnecting prose and a little bit more setting of the scene I think you'll definitely be onto something here. I think you already are to be fair but that extra work will take it from good to great. I always believe in reading out loud, I think that would help here so I'd try that with a highlighter at the ready.
Keep going at it and run with the idea if you feel you can! Looking at what you've already described I think you have a pretty well formed idea and dystopia style world in mind already nearly fully formed. Nothing beats getting it out there and letting people share in it with you! That's obviously all the more easier for them when the writing is top notch too, I think you've got it in you to get to that point.
I'm going for 3.5/5 which in a big way is very much influenced by my adoration of the idea!
Hi there, first off I'd like to say that I appreciated the actual story here. I think it has been let down somewhat though by lack of editing and a few little niggles I couldn't quite get past in your writing style.
You present dialogue for your two main characters very well, it feels pretty real. They talk pretty much exactly as I would expect two young women to talk to each other. I did find though that this style of writing casually and in the style of dialogue has detracted from the actual prose and narrative. I have gone a little more into that further down.
I would sit and read the piece out loud, it really helps you build an idea of how you should pace, structure and word your sentences. It also helps massivel with editing. Print it, grab a highlighter and read out loud. All you do then is just highlight as you go. I think this will help improve the piece a lot. There is a backbone here, and I think you can build on it. Please don't feel put off by what I have said but I do think you can improve this quite vastly by just taking some extra time to really think about what you are writing. Really put yourself in there and be in the situation with your characters.
I think the point I am trying to make or the thing I am trying to summarise is that it almost feels like someone is telling me the story in a playground. And by someone I mean a young teenage girl kind of chatting to her friends about what she did on the weekend. This is not a bad thing when it comes to your dialogue but I think it makes the narrative and description miss the mark.
I've given you some of the examples of things I found in the first few paragraphs (I would also consider working on the formatting, try just a standard black font with less line breaks):
What was so all fired important anyway... <-This doesn't make sense?
She smiled as she watched her friend multi-task; she was munching on a sandwich, fingers were tapping a beat to a song on her iPod while also reading a brochure; others were scattered across the table, on the chairs, and some had even fallen to the floor. <-I find this sentence really runs on further than it needs to. Try breaking it up into the seperate things she's doing, take a little more time with describing them. The idea of taking time to illustrate them to the reader with your words is a good one, it's a nice bit of scene setting.
“Someone found a murdered women <-Should be woman this one.
“Maybe he’ll let you write the story too. Now…for our vacation plans,” <-Could do with a pause here, just to even the pacing. Something like: "Maybe he’ll let you write the story too." She smiled. "Now! On to our vacation plans!”
My vote in on going kayaking this year? <-Meant to be is on going? I would however think about revising to "My vote is Kayaking"
That means we can’t be away from our jobs for too long.” <-Seems obvious and as a last line to a conversation doesn't feel natural
You seem to use elipsis a lot! Try changing some for commas or different breaks in sentence structure. It can seem a little over-bearing.
The next two weeks went fast. Laura got to write her first story which felt so good. <-Try using a stronger adjective than "good" feels a little 'valley girl' with the "so" before it. As a writer it's important to strike the difference between conversational tone in dialogue and actual prose. I think in some parts of the piece you are blurring the lines between the two a little too much. As a result the over-all description outside of the dialogue is suffering a little bit. This particular line feels like something someone would say rather than write.
was just rising the dishes <-rising needs to be rinsing
Please do not take this review harshly, although I appreciate it may seem it. I'm trying to help with some genuine constructive criticism!
Keep writing and keep trying!
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