Hello Chris,
First off, let me say that I am a Christian! Next, please keep in mind that the critique I give is only my opinion. I will, in no way feel bad if you do not like my critique or feel that I have overstepped in any way.
Your opening statement is a keeper for sure, and it reminds me that I need to read more Shakespeare.
In your first paragraph, I find that you have missed a few commas. The easiest way for me to explain the things I would correct in this paragraph is to copy, paste and edit...so here goes.
I am one who also "has a lot of[suffers from] self-doubt." I have come to realize[,] however that for me personally[,] there is a cure for my doubt. I find comfort in my faith in Jesus Christ.[I would re-word this for more of an impact...Jesus Christ gives me comfort in my faith]. While I may turn the judges of the Writer’s Cramp off by saying that, particularly if they are not Christian, I am merely expressing how I personally deal with doubt. My way may not work for everybody and that is perfectly acceptable. The God I serve does not go around twisting anybody’s arm saying “Believe in me or I will do this, this, or that.”
At the beginning of your second paragraph, you could start it out much stronger by saying: "Jesus wants". You're a Christian. Don't be afraid to use His name. Next, be careful of using the phrase "a lot". There are many other, stronger ways of saying the same thing. And, avoid beginning too many sentences with "I".
In your closing paragraph, the second sentence is wordy, and while I understood your meaning, I believe if you cut it apart and made it into two sentences your meaning would be much clearer.
I hope you find this helpful. I completely understand how you feel, I have felt this same way many times in my journey. And, to be very honest, it never fully leaves. But, being a child of the unseen God takes a great amount of faith. Keep believing and God Bless you!
Oh, I really like how you've put your words together. Well done! I only see one spot where I feel (just my opinion) you could have a punctuation change. "To blame you. Could I even think of such a thing?" I would change the period to a comma. The line will then follow the punctuation you have used in your first stanza.
I am a sucker for a good poem, especially one that rhymes and you got me on both counts. This was very well written. As I read it aloud for the second time I found the lyrical, sing song rhythm of the poem and wished I had someone to listen. I only found one tiny mistake: second to last stanza you missed a capital letter " i've now lost her forever!"
Truly a joy to read. It's one of my all time favorites that I will read over and over.
I love short poems. The economy of words demands strong, focused imagery. Your cinquain has done exactly that. Your poem describes its subject perfectly. I especially like your phrase "transparent gold" because in some places water is so rare that it truly is a treasure!
I truly like the fact that you paid so much attention to a random, unknown woman and have had enough compassion to write a poem about her unknown pain. Pain is real and we should never feel ashamed or scared to acknowledge the pain.
This is well written and shows me a clear picture of the scene. I love the fact that you open with a vivid description of her state of being beyond her emotional state. It gives great depth to the piece. I also love your wording in the third stanza how you avoid being nosy.
Overall, this is very well done. Great job. Write ON!
I have enjoyed reading your poem, it is filled with deep imagery and action which kept me moving forward. After reading through a few times I do, however, have two suggestions:
First: Your repeated use of the word "we" is very nice, it adds to the personal awareness of the poem. With saying that I believe two lines could be changed slightly.
In the second stanza: "No more living in fear" could be reworded to: We live no more in fear. This is a simple fix which would give the line more strength by replace a passive verb living with its active, it also places the subject "we" directly in the line.
In the last stanza:"Now we’re standing, at the gates," you could very simply say, "Now we stand, at the gates". This puts more emphasis on their position and makes the line stronger.
Remember please, these are just my personal, humble opinions which you should feel no need to listen to if you do not feel the need.
Thank you for writing a great poem. Keep up the writing
BunnyHamm
To be very honest, I nearly didn't read the story after reading the intro, but I'm glad I did. The introduction paragraph felt forced and unnatural. Once you began the dialog the story came to life, which is where (IMHO) I would start this story. The introduction would be much better if it were the ending of the story.
Please remember that this is just my opinion. It's a well written story and drew me in quickly once the characters interacted.
Oh, my goodness, I'm nearly speechless after reading this poem. Your words are profound, your rhymes are perfect and the sentiment is positively breathtaking. In words you have drawn the perfect picture of your daughter's childhood and sweet life. Being able to write this deeply about something so close to your heart takes courage, but it is so healing at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing your words. The poem is a work of art!
I truly love to read poetry and poems about dreams always seem to catch my attention. I have read yours through quite a few times now, both silently and aloud. For the most part the flows very well and I like the rhyme scheme very much; however, there are a few things that I feel could help.
Please remember that this is just my humble opinion and you do not need to listen to a single suggestion.
In the first stanza, last line: "Release all my dreams they will be fine." You could leave out the word "all" and then add a comma after dreams.
Second stanza: a comma between love and now for a pause in the line, which makes a nice breathe.
Third stanza, first line: It's not yours forever to have and hold (instead)
second line: move "you" to before had
As I said this is just my opinion and I'm just trying to be insightful. Reading it aloud makes such a difference as to how a poem feels. If you like my suggestions, they are yours...if you don't it's okay too. It's your poem and I do like it!
So very simple, so very sweet! I enjoyed how you put the piece together. It flowed like water as I read it. As I went back and read it once more I, this time aloud, I could not see or hear one thing that I would change. A good love poem is difficult to write without it seeming sappy, and while some would say that this is sappy, it talks of love which is bigger, larger then then just the every day things we think of.
I like this poem very, very much. The images are bold, and strong -- very vivid. You have used color to paint a picture of words on paper. The only negative I have is only a very personal thing to me and that it did not paint a mental picture of a kiss for me. But the poem is beautiful even though I didn't see the connection between the title and the poem. Maybe a flower being kissed by the frost? Okay???
This was a difficult poem for me to read, not because of its message, but because of its flow. The structure is good and suits it well; however, the over-use of words ending in 'ing' makes the reading a bit more difficult. The rhyme is good though and so is the thought. Keep up the writing.
I had never quite looked at grief this way, but taking it and putting in the words of the angels watching, putting in their perspective is unique and insightful. The message comes across in this point of view quite well. The meter flows smoothly from one line to the next and the rhymes are not forced - while there, they are so good that they are nearly invisible! I love poetry like this!
This is a very nice piece and I enjoyed reading it very much. I like the rhyme scheme, they fit very nicely. All the stanzas have a comfortable flow, each line leading into the next easily. I think the third and forth stanzas are my favorites simply due to the wonderful words you've used. This is a poem that I could read over and over and not grow tired of!
I enjoyed reading this poem very much. It has a well rounded and defined message. The form you used and meter fit very nicely also. I believe this is a message which needs to be set in the front of all spiritual messages no matter what the religious belief. Thank you for putting the message into an understandable piece of poetry.
Ok, I have to admit, I understand this kind of thing. It's kind of cool and kind of strange too. I live in GA so it all makes sense. I love your rhymes and the meter flows right off the tongue when reading it out loud. It made me smile all the way through.
This is a form which I am unfamiliar with; however, I enjoy discovering new forms and I like this one. I would like to know more about it. I like the image which you drew for me in your word choice. It is very well done. I only have one phrase that I find awkward "almost completely" just doesn't feel right when I'm reading it. Other than that one spot, it reads nicely.
Wow, I love acrostics and this one is very COOL! I really like the way that you wove the whole thing together. At first I wasn't sure how this was going to play out. I'm use to acrostics done from just a word or two, but this was much more.
I'm not really sure of how to react to this poem. I understand it because the meaning is clear; however, the it didn't evoke any emotional response in me as I read it. It flowed well up until the final stanza which felt a little pushed, just too many syllables. I do like how you tied it all together, and I liked your rhyme scheme. Even though this may not be a favorite, it is well done.
You have done a very good job drawing out images with your well chosen words. The piece flows well from thought to thought. As I read this I thought it was a love poem about someone found and then you threw me the twist at the end. I really like the unpredictable. Very nice work.
First of all, I really enjoy animal poetry, especially about my favorite: cats! The rhymes are perfect in this and it flows like water, it's so smooth. This is a very well written poem. The only thing that I didn't like was that it was too short. I just wanted more!
WOW . . . this is really a great story. It had me glued to my screen. The images are strong and clear. You made the characters come to life. This is the type of story I would love to find in an anthology. I especially like the ending.
This is an exceptional poem written in honor of an exceptional people. While I am not of this tribe, I am part Indian and proud to be. We must fight to save our heritage, the Indian way, because the white man lacks tradition! This is very well crafted and flows as fluid as sweet water.
As the years have passed it is so sad to realize that this is a picture that describes so many schools in so many places. It's no longer limited to the "Big City". This is well written. It's so sad though to know that things like this need to be said.
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