First of let me start by saying, this is me personal opinion.
I love poetry due to the feeling it creates in ones soul.
Your poem is very nicely done to the theme and parameters you posted for the June 3rd Prompt. Haiku's nicely done.
I do however feel your poem lacks some feeling, some strong emotions, your emotions are only portrayed here and there, with a feeling of loss and also of love, but is not carried right through.
This is a nice piece of writing and lacks no spelling or grammar from my point of view.
First off let me start by saying, this review is my personal opinion.
I also went to your profile, read some of your poems to get a better insight on your writing, I must say, you have a few great poems. I prefer poetry, it touches the soul.
This piece of writing lacked that feeling that you portray in your poetry, it comes through as a letter written for a school assignment. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice write, but I feel in poetry form or more of a story it would have more impact.
Pain, unkind, yet required! I've felt this, but this is not about me only!
Just a suggestion to change the beginning :)
I could not find any spelling short, (not that it is my best point, lol) There is a few grammar changes I would make, but it is an interesting piece and surely has potential...
I am just a writer and reader like you.
This is just my own humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
This review is not meant to hurt or discourage you in any way.
Title:
The title fits this story well.
Spelling and grammar:
I get a small sense that English is not your first language, or you were in a rush here. There is a few places you have either left out a word or inserted a wrong word.
Example:
"Yeah, totally, I can't wait our first year....."
"Yeah, I totally can't wait FOR our first......."
"I screamed to the top of my lungs......"
"I screamed AT the top of my .........."
"I finally had the body to feel out my swim......"
"I finally had the body to FILL out my......"
There is also a few comma's here and there I would add and also I feel the use of .... are not needed in some places.
You use the word BUT a lot and also MINS, does not quit fit, rather use MINUTES.
You have "sense" where it should be "since", also "there" where you should have "their",
just a few.
Character description:
You do have character description in your introduction, but not detailed, here you bring in a bit more of the characters. I do how ever feel as you have character description in your introduction, you should maybe add it all there and then you can stick to the story. Just a suggestion.
Scene:
There is little scene description, adding a bit more, might make the picture come to life.
You have "As we jumped off the last step and onto the curb........." then just about 20 lines lower you have ""Well this is my stop" I said. This is a bit confusing, they got off, were they now walking, did they get off at the corner? He is her friend, does he not know it is her house?
Lower down you have the years 3000 and you refer to the year 2000, we have passed that year, just a thought, maybe you could use 3000 and 4000, to make it more fictional.
The "Fun Fact" does not really fit and I feel a lot of the new phones have web cam capability, so there is no need to really explain it as you tell the reader a few times, that while talking on the V-cam, they can see each other.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this story and will read some more of it, I think you have a good story here, a bit more information and a few changes and it could be great.
I am a reader and writer just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my own humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
This review is not meant to discourage or harm you in any way, I am only trying to help you improve.
Title:
I feel the title of the story fits this short introduction well.
Spelling and grammar:
There is a few spelling and grammar mistakes, I feel it might only be slips.
In paragraph one you have "an alsome story" I think it should be AWESOME.
There is a few places you have made the "I" in lower case.
There is also a few comma's short here and there.
Characters:
I like the idea of giving the character background in the introduction, it does help when reading. I would add a bit more information though, as to keep it completely out of the story, seeing as you already have it in the introduction. You could add hair color, eyes, etc. Just a suggestion.
Scene:
You give a short background on the original storyline and where the idea came from, but not really anything on the current version.
Flow:
This piece reads nice.
Overall:
You do make the story sound interesting and after reading this, I was wondering what it was all about. Well done.
I am not an editor, I am a reader and writer just like you.
This is only my humble point of view, please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title fits this poem very well.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling seems fine and grammar too, there are a few spots I would add a comma, just to make the read smoother, but as this is poetry, it is not a must, depending on the author.
Rhyme and rhythm:
The rhyme is nicely done and this poem reads like a song.
Meter:
There does not seem to be a specific meter to this poem.
Emotion:
This is a poem full of emotion, full of love and care. Nice word choice.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this religious poem, it made me think of how much we take everyday for granted and how little time we sometimes have left.
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 7.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about RELIEF, word count must be under 300, and not use the word or any variation of it.
Title:
The title fits, but could be sweeter.
Spelling and grammar:
There is a few comma's short in the last paragraph, but otherwise all seems fine. I would use SUMMER'S DAY instead of SUMMER DAY in the first line of the last paragraph.
Character and Scene:
There is no real description of either, but it works.
Story line and flow:
This short story reads good and the flow is fine.
Emotion:
Relief is present here, but could be made a bit stronger.
In the last paragraph, line one you have: 'The sudden feeling washed over her....' This sounds a bit incomplete. 'A sudden feeling of....' or 'Suddenly feelings of.....', try 'Overwhelmed by her feelings, flooding her like a....
Overall:
A good read, thank you for sharing, keep writing.
Thank you for entering the 'So Emotional'.
Kind regards.
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 7.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about any of the previous prompts, this was a Special round, and not use the words or any variation of them, and there was no word limit.
Title:
The title fits the story very well.
Spelling and grammar:
There is just a few things I would like to point out, they are not necessarily mistakes, but mishaps. You can use them or not, it's up to you.
Paragraph one, line six - 'There, now it was done.'
Paragraph seven, line two - this word is wrongly spelled - amount
Paragraph ten, line two - 'as every head turned IN Eliza's direction.' add IN
Paragraph thirteen, last line - The sentence in Capital's has too many full stops. It reads better as one line, just end it with an exclamation mark to emphasize.
There is a few other changes that could also be made.
Character and scene:
The sisters little girl is described good and also Eliza's little girl, the scene is good and clear. Nicely done.
Emotions:
Your word choice is good and the feelings come through good. We feel Eliza's longing for her little girl as well as her jealousy.
Flow:
The story read good.
Overall:
Having two daughter's, I can associate with Eliza, I would die if anything happened to them, I really enjoyed this story and it makes us have a second look at our own kids.
How short life can be. Great read.
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 7.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about any of the previous prompts, this was a Special round, and not use the words or any variation of them, and there was no word limit.
Title:
The title fits, but could be a bit more informative, like 'Christmas dinner' or 'Fighting Christmas'.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling and grammar seems fine throughout.
Character and scene:
There is little character and scene description, but the story flows nicely without it.
Emotion:
I know you were going for remorse, excitement and jealousy, but I feel jealousy comes through strong, the other two not so much. The mother I felt was more vindictive and the son just sorry for himself.
Overall:
This was an interesting story, I enjoyed it. Good use of discussions.
Thanks for entering, keep writing and sharing.
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 7.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about any of the previous prompts, this was a Special round, and not use the words or any variation of them, and there was no word limit.
Title:
The title works perfectly with this story.
Spelling and grammar:
All is good, I see no mishaps in this piece.
Character and scene:
There is not much description, but the story works without it.
Emotions:
Feeling of sadness, longing, loss and excitement comes through very nicely.
Flow:
The flow of this story is good, it reads nice and clear.
Suggestions:
Paragraph three, line two you have 'able to create only served to make', this does not fit, it does not read correctly, have a look at it.
Paragraph six, line three you have 'enough enthusiasm to the last of her' - I think it should be ' enthusiasm to BE ABLE to DO the last of her'.
Paragraph twenty, line two, just have a look at that sentence, maybe do some re-structuring.
Overall:
A nice story to read. Thanks for sharing, keep writing.
Thank you for entering.
Kind regards
I am a reader and writer just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title fits this poem well, I think 'Dream World' would sound better thou.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling and grammar seem fine, not mistakes I can see.
Rhyme and flow:
This poem has no specific rhyme pattern, but flows nicely.
Emotions:
This is a lighthearted poem that makes you feel good.
Overall:
I enjoyed this poem very much, it was interesting and refreshing. The last stanza does not quiet seem correct, maybe you could just have a look at it again. Great work, keep writing.
Kind regards
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I am a reader and writer just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title works well with this poem..
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling and grammar seems fine.
Emotion:
This poem has some longing, then joy and the loss. It makes one a bit sad, but them the person in this poem accepts his fate and it ends with a hint of happiness.
I am a reader and writer just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title fits this story very well.
Character and scene:
There is not much character description, but it works well. The scene is described very nicely and paints a vivid picture.
Emotions:
We can feel the character's emotions, it comes through very well, nice word choice.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling seems fine, I do feel there is a sentence or two that can use an extra comma or so.
Overall:
A nice story, keeps the readers interest up until the end. There is a few spots that need a word or two and others need one taken out.
Suggestions:
'At the far end of the compound, WRITTEN ON THE wall IN BIG BRIGHT RED AND WHTE LETTERS IS THESE WORDS, JD WUZ HEER.'
'Bobby didn’t show up AT school for the 2nd week in a row,'
"It’s NO good miss”
I am a writer and reader just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title of this poem works, but I have to say, two title's don't work. Choose one and remove the other.
Spelling and Grammar:
There is no spelling or grammar mishaps I can see, all looks good. Poetry does not always need comma's or full stops.
Rhyme and flow:
There is no specific rhyme pattern present here, but the poem flows nicely without.
Emotions:
This poem is about an emptiness inside, a longing to be normal.
Overall:
Just two suggestions:
Stanza 1, line 4: 'From broken glass' - try - 'Of broken glass', it sounds more normal.
Stanza 4, line 1: 'We all could be just one day' - try - ' We all could be like that one day'.
I enjoyed reading this poem, nicely done, thanks for sharing, keep writing.
Kind regards
I am a writer and reader just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title fits this song nicely.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling and grammar seems fine, no mistakes I can see.
Rhythm and flow:
There is a good rhythm in this song and flows very good.
Overall:
I enjoyed this piece of art, I can almost hear the tune, although I am sure, it is nothing like it should be, due to the fact that I am false. :):)
I also wrote song songs, but need someone to sing them. P)P)
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 6.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about REMORSE, and not use the word itself or any variation of it, and to keep to under 300 words.
Title:
The title works, but I think it would have more of an impact if closer related to the story.
'The last Christmas eve' or something alike, just a suggestion.
Spelling and Grammar:
Spelling seems fine. I do feel there is a few sentences that is too long, a few comma's here and there could fix that though.
Paragraph one, line two: ' He stopped and sighed, glancing at the bleakness of the morning sky before shutting the car door.'
Change into two: ' He stopped and sighed. Glancing at the bleakness of the morning sky before shutting the car door.'
Paragraph two, line two: 'Turning the key in the ignition the car, rumbled to life, and he caught his reflection in the rear-view mirror.'
Last paragraph and line: 'And once again asked himself, why on that last Christmas Eve, he had felt the need to have one more drink before he drove home.'
Just a few suggestions.
Character and Scene:
Even though there is not much character description, I can picture an old gray man, well done. The scene is nice and vivid.
Emotions:
I feel this piece can have a bit more emotion, we do feel he has regret and sorrow, but I feel it is not coming through strong enough.
'Unwrapping the package he felt a tear slide down his cheek, and his heart ripping to pieces, by the memories flooding in as he knelt down in front of the simple headstone.'
Just another suggestion.
Prompt:
There is no word count at the end of this piece, and I can not be sure if the count is correct. The emotion is there though, could be stronger, but well done.
Overall:
This was a nice read, and I feel it could be a great story with a bit of work.
Thank you for entering. Please keep writing and sharing, looking forward to reading more of your work.
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 5.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about EXCITEMENT, and not use the word itself or any variation of it.
Title:
This poem has no title, it is Untitled.
Spelling and Grammar:
There is a few grammar mishaps that need looking at. You have added to many comma's and stops, it stops the flow of the poem. Spelling looks good.
Example:
Stanza two: I'm convinced,
that my soul is made of
a black, dreary ooze.
Leave out the comma after OF in line two.
Stanza four, second last line leave out the comma after PERSON.
Stanza five, leave out the comma's after both WAVE, in line two and three.
Rhyme and flow:
There is no specific rhyme present here, but the poem sounds fine without it. The flow is a bit hindered due to grammar.
Emotions:
This poem speaks of regret and anger.
Prompt:
There is a hint of remorse, but more anger and regret.
Nicely done otherwise.
Overall:
This was a nice read, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Great choice of words used to describe the persons own internal turmoil.
Thanks for sharing, keep writing, I am looking forward to reading more of your work.
Kind regards
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 5.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about EXCITEMENT, and not use the word itself or any variation of it.
Title:
The title fits this story very well.
Setting and Characters:
The setting is nicely described and you give good insight on the characters.
Emotions:
Good word choice is use for the creating of emotion.
Overall:
I think this can be made into a good story if you lengthen it a bit and tell us what happens next.
Prompt:
I feel the prompt was not fully followed in this piece, reading the whole story, it gives the reader a feeling of longing. The word count was well used.
A nice read, please keep writing and sharing, thank you for entering this contest.
Kind regards
I am one of the Judges for the 'So Emotional' Contest and I will be judging round 5.
The prompt was to write a short story or poem about EXCITEMENT, and not use the word itself or any variation of it.
The Title:
The title of this piece words well with the story line.
Setting, Characters and Story:
The setting and the characters are good, not in a lot of detail, but it is difficult in so little words. This is a nice start for a story, there is a lot of space to extend and make it great.
This piece reads like a letter at the moment, but by adding a little more, it could work well.
Emotion:
There is a lot of emotion in this piece and a lot of good words used.
Following the prompt:
I actually just found one error, and it was the use of the word 'EXCITEMENT', which was not allowed.
Overall:
I feel you have the makings of a good story, your ideas are good, please keep writing and sharing.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and rate your work.
I am a writer and reader just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
The title works very well with this poem.
There seems to not be a fixed rhyme pattern, but the poem works well without it.
Word choice is good and makes for easy reading.
I like the opening and closing phrases most, it invites you in and it ends the poem off very well.
Grammar I feel there is just one place I would add a comma and a spot that you have too many:
You can deny, and say no to the world but,
tell me this, how long will you care for the rest?
'coz I know, I don't have the strength or energy,
Spelling seems good, but I would like to make a few suggestions:
"till death does us apart"??? - DOES should be DO
But, that one missed call by you at 2 A.M. - BY sounds better if you use FROM
and whenever you hear their name, - NAME should be NAMES
This is a heartfelt poem about losing love. There is a lot of emotion felt here, love, care, loss and wanting comes through strongly.
I enjoyed reading this poem, thank you for sharing and keep writing.
Kind regards
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"
I am a reader and writer just like you.
I am not an editor, so this is just my own humble point of view.
Please feel free to disagree.
Title:
The title works well for this poem.
Rhyme:
There is a rhyme pattern in stanza's one and three, but not completed in two and four. This does not however interfere with the poem.
Spelling and grammar:
Spelling seems fine and so does the grammar, I just have one question. In stanza two the last two lines, you refer to God, and if He opened His heart to see. I feel God can already see, it is us, that need to see, would the He in the last line not refer to us rather than to God? Just my opinion.
Flow:
The flow of this poem is good and it reads easily.
Overall:
This is a nice piece of art and brings forth the reassurance that God is there, we just need to remember it.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 12:39pm on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
