Richard ~ Thankful!!'s (brennus) Reviews

Richard ~ Thankful!!

Review Requests: ON

220 Public Reviews Given

220 Total Reviews Given

I'm good at...

Asking questions that may help you develop and expand your story. Inconsistencies tend to jump out at me and I will point out any I see.

1

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#4733674

Review of Grumpy Leprechaun

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Good Day, ta ya; Grumpy is finally getting around to judging his poetry contest. First, he wants to thank you for entering.

I am happy to see you chose the Acrostic form. Grumpy is especially fond of this form, though he finds it challenging to write them.

Grumpy also noted that each of your couplets rhymed, even though the form doesn't call for them to.

He tried hard but couldn't find any spellin' or grandma grammar errors. Good Job!!

The rhyme scheme flowed quite well, though Grumpy does have one suggestion:

In this line;

Pint of ale clutched tight, a beard of tangled shamrocks,

shamrocks – gawkes is a little forced.

Perhaps,

Pint of ale clutched tight, beard with tangled shamrock stalks,

Again, thank you for your entry; Grumpy enjoyed it!!

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

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#4726928

Review of Hanky Panky

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A cute little flash fiction that packs quite a bit of story into a small space. I was over on the review reward page. I don't visit there enough, and the title of this caught my eye. Hanky Panky has so many connotations, some funny, think the Three Stooges type comedy. Sometimes its meaning is more on the naughty side.

Two people on a road trip stop in a very small town, find a small motel, and settle in for the night. Then, the adventure starts with the drop of a quarter. A bit of comedy ensues between the occupants of the room and the hotel clerk.

Some flirtation and then this marvelous line;

We tried to keep the noise down the rest of the night, so we wouldn’t disturb management.

A purposely ambiguous statement that lets the reader's imagination take over the story.

Well done! I think there might have been Hanky Panky indeed!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!

...I'm only the trombone player!{/i}

Janus on WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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#4726286

Review of Mind Your P's and Q's

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Perfect-quality writing is very rare. It is easy to see that you choose not to be parsimonious with the quantity of Ps & Qs that were pitched quite effectively on your page, qualifying positively your quest to entertain WdC.

Posting quotes from your poetic quarrel is not only potentially quirky but could lead to practical quintessential difficulties.

I did need to put to query your use of the phrase, "i'm Puddled,", thinking at first it might be patois quotidian in a given particular quarter. However, this probe and question into deeper hidden meaning proved quite positively a quagmire of too much information.

As always, it is my quixotic prayer that you continue to put quill to papyrus.

I will continue to peek perpetually for more of your quicksilver quips.

{/center}

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4

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#4718477

Review of Doc's Scuttlebutt Cap

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thank you very much for inviting me to read, and offer some suggestions for your essay, “"Doc's Scuttlebutt Cap"

Overall, I enjoyed reading about your time as a Sea Scout, it sounds like it was a very worthwhile experience. The essay held my interest and propelled me into the fun antics that sometimes occurred.

Structurally, the essay was well put together, easy to understand, and made its points well.

There are a few mechanical issues I saw;

The sentence structure for the most part is quite long, which slows the reader down. This affects the pace, and readability. I think more periods and fewer commas might help.

I.E. “In the halcyon days of my youth, I was in the Sea Explorers - BSA, often called Sea Scouts, (so, yes, we had sea scouts in the caveman days!) Back in the mid-1960’s the Commander of a 65-foot former aircraft rescue boat, the SES Tuolumne, out of Modesto, California, was Doc Van-Valen, a local Podiatrist.”

Perhaps;

In the halcyon days of my youth, I was in the Sea Explorers. An offshoot of the Boy Scouts of America, often called Sea Scouts. So, yes, we had sea scouts in the caveman days!

In the mid-sixties we sailed on a 65-foot former aircraft rescue boat, The SES Tuolume, porting out of Modesto, California. The vessel was commanded by Doc Van-Valen, a local Podiatrist.

I spelled out the BSA acronym, some overseas readers won't know what you meant.

Shortening your sentences will increase the reader's pace, making it a more enjoyable read.

“One spring, for an (up-coming) Scout-o-Rama”

“up-coming” is usually one word — upcoming

Be on the lookout for unneeded filler words;

“(As) A filled scuttlebutt is quite heavy, the ship's crew and a crew on the dock would work together to hoist one safely aboard.”

One word, in particular, is then, it started sentences five times, reread those sentences. Does then have to be there? Will the sentence work without it?

"Then the crew lowers the barrel, trying not to lose points through spilling any water, tilts the tripod over to the ground, removes the lashings, disassembles the block and tackle and rushes back into formation, then "Time" is called. Many crews can complete this task in two minutes or less; seemingly with sheer, controlled, silent chaos!"

(Then) the crew lowers the barrel. Trying not to lose points (through) by spilling any water. Tilting the tripod back over the ground, removing the lashings. Finally disassembles the block and tackle before rushing back into formation. At that point, "Time" is called, many crews can complete this task in two minutes or less; seemingly with sheer, controlled, and silent chaos!

“The crew would all look up and down the line, (then) one by one, we would turn and point”

(Then) They'd usually rush off to find a friend to "set up" as the next hour's "volunteer!" (Aren't we an odd species?)

And, one of your scuttlebutts transformed into;

"With or without Doc’s Skuttlebutt Cap prank, it is an exciting event, as well as a look back into the days of sail and the tall ships.
'

Keep in mind these are all examples, and these are all my opinions, they important thing to remember;

I thoroughly enjoyed this glimpse into your time as a Sea Scout and appreciated the humor of Cap’s Cap Prank.

You are the final arbiter of your writing style, take from this review only what works for you, and let the rest wash away in the scupper.

Write (and Sail) On!!

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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5

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#4717072

Review of Adrift in the Aftermath

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Turkey DrumStik, I found your short story on the Please Review page. The theme is intentionally dark and melancholy, you did a very good job of evoking those emotions in my reading of the story.

Unfortunately, the topic of this story appears to be less fictional in these times, the horrors it details are becoming a repeating reality far too often. While I personally have never witnessed anything like you have described, I live close enough to a large city, New York, to feel a visceral chill as I read your story.

The story flowed well, and I found few things that distracted me, save for;

"Hi, Lulu," Felicia greeted the newcomer. "Are you more Lulubelle or Lucifer at the moment?"

This got a snicker from Adrian. "I did give the cats some food because she was closer to the Lucifer end of the spectrum."

Felicia snorted and pet(ted?) the cat. "Thanks, honey."

I kept wondering why one cat was being described as cats, that did clear up after;

"She found her other cat Daisy"

Again, not a big deal, but it did pull me out of the story for a bit.

Another point that confused me a bit.

When Felicia leaves her home, is she walking or driving? There appear to me to be indications of both.

The last thing that I wonder about is why, given the circumstances, would either Felicia or Adrian have ventured out into the City alone. That didn't seem safe or prudent.

I enjoyed the descriptiveness of your story, it was sadly disheartening to be presented with these awful truths.

Thank You For Sharing!

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#4717064

Review of Hawayein

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, thank you for sharing your writing with us. I hope you don't mind, but I was intrigued and had Google translate your poem into English, which unfortunately the only language I am fluent in.

This is the translation Google provided:

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,
And desires are disintegrating,
What I had agreed to do,
In the lap of my dreams,
The branches of desires have started falling,
And clinging to the clutches of reality,
In the lap of my dreams,
On the leaves of smiles,
The winds are removing the dew from the wrapped trees,
In the lap of my dreams."

My Review:

Even in English, the poem has a gentle melancholy flow, evoking a metaphor of goals fading away.

The punctuation is interesting, using all commas creates a very long sentence or thought. I would suggest adding a period after each repeat of "In the lap of my dreams." That would devide the poem into easier to read sentences/thoughts

Something, that at least for me partially disrupts that flow and poetic pace, is the first two lines;

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,

In the following lines, there are two lines before the repeat of "In the lap of my dreams,". I really feel there should be another line, after "The winds have started blowing,". Perhaps describing the metaphoric wind? Also adding space between the lines might make your poem more readable.

I.E.

"The winds have started blowing,
In the lap of my dreams,

And desires are disintegrating,
What I had agreed to do,
In the lap of my dreams,

The branches of desires have started falling,
And clinging to the clutches of reality,
In the lap of my dreams,

On the leaves of smiles,
The winds are removing the dew from the wrapped trees,
In the lap of my dreams."{/i

In this line;

The branches of desires have started falling,

I would remove the plural "desires", and replace it with the singular desire.

Of course, it's possible that any of the comments I made are based on a faulty Google translation, but I think, based on the flow that Google came pretty close to you intent.

Again, thank you for sharing! Please remember that this review is based on my opinions, and is not the end all, be all. I would urge you to share more of your work, and if possible, provide your own translations in English. I'm not being a language snob, but you will get more feedback if you use the predominant language here on WdC.

"Newbie Contest Challenge!!"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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#4689806

Review of Political Poems and Songs of Protest

for entry "The Wreck of the Donny T"

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

What a delightful little ditty, I enjoyed how well it fits the Common Meter theme of "Grumpy's Saint Paddy's Day Contest!!"

. Please feel free to enter it!!!

You nailed this, both from the meter/rhyme scheme standpoint and from its subject matter. I enjoyed singing it in my head so much, that I sang it out loud to my significant other, who laughed — hopefully at your poem, not my singing.

With any luck, "Good People" will speak once again, staving off the Troll.

Thank You!!

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8

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#4684282

Review of Closed Eyes

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Evie 🏳️‍🌈 write&blog

, I see you joined us at the end of December, welcome to Writing.com (WdC)!!

I found your flash fiction "Closed Eyes"

on the Newsfeed and wanted to come and read it. I am glad I did, it was a short, not sweet glimpse into someone's sadness.

There were no syntax, spelling, or grammatical errors that detracted from your flash fiction. The only comment is that in your title the word eyes should be capitalized.

I know that this was a flash item, and as such words used must be economical, but I think if you reread it you might discover stronger more dramatic words that show us more of your character's sadness, rather than telling us.

For example:

"The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory"

Perhaps something more like:

Joy had been stripped from her, replaced by bittersweet memories —

stripped seems more violent, somewhat meaner than taken. Adding a descriptor to memories adds more color. I removed the word the, you don't need it, and it saves you a word, adding the chance to add those colorful words.

Lastly, I would like to make some tips about Presentation, or how your item looks when readers view it online.

The first is more of a request.

There are many older eyes on WdC, so a larger text is helpful. WdC makes that easy to do, across the top of you text entry box you should see a toolbar. If you click on the sss button you will see the option to choose text size, I suggest either 3.5 or 4. It will make it easier to read. Another neat one is the Script F, allowing you to choose a different font. The buttons work much like those in MS Word, I suggest you play with them, they are fun and add to your work.

The other suggestion I have involves spacing. While in a short piece like your flash, it isn't critical, spaces between paragraphs make the item easier to read. Our eyes track it better. Often when you cut and paste from a Word-like program WdC strips out the double space. So remember to put it back when you edit your item on WdC.

If I were your editor, I might make these changes to you item before sending it off to printing.—

The original:

"She closed her eyes.
The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.
She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."
Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.
The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory."

Edit:

She closed her eyes.

The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.

She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.

The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory.

{font:verdana}{size:3.5}She closed her eyes.

The tears stuck them tightly shut, but she didn't let herself get irritated. She had to recall this moment as best she could. She wanted to see every single detail, the patches on his slanted hat, the clock ticking on the wall, everything.

She began to hear his soft voice and see the tears in his eyes. He spoke, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

Then what they had both expected had happened: she had to leave. Her father had not wanted to send her away, but did he have any other choice? He had had to.

The joy had been taken from her. What remained was the memory.{/size}{/font}

I added the second edit, with the WriteML showing so you can see what I did.

As always, reviews are meant to be helpful! Please take what works for you, and feel VERY FREE to disregard anything that doesn't. Again welcome to WdC, I look forward to reading additional items in your portfolio!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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#4659847

Review of Singing in the rain

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Sumojo, I am reviewing "Singing in the rain"

as part of "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"

.

This was a very clever take on the haunted painting trope, and I want to take a moment to thank you for the earworm that is now playing nonstop in my head! But, seriously I enjoyed your tale immensely, it flowed well and held my interest from start to finish.

The protagonist acquired a painting with special properties, which over time manifested into a delightfully quirky haunting. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have given the painting up as easily as your protagonist. After all, its behavior wasn't all that sinister, as long as you didn't slip on the wet floor.

I didn't see anything that gave me pause mechanically, or that detracted from the tale. The only thing I took note of is that in two places, there is a space missing between a period and the next word;

Here; Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds were tap dancing and singing, the rain so real that drops of water splashed onto the hall (tiles.>Terrified,)

And here; A tiny old lady, barely taller than a child, answered it and invited me inside the beautiful (home.>Taking)

A nicely woven tale! Thank You For Sharing!!

"Newbie Contest Challenge!!"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#4654158

Review of The Fall

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Flower! I am reviewing "The Fall"

, I found your poem listed in the Review A Newbie section of WdC's homepage, and I'm glad I did. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always with any review, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Presentation; This is where I talk about how your writing looks on the page/screen.

Your poem is presented clearly and neatly, It is easy to read.

Form; How things are set up

Your poem consists of five quatrains, with a rhyme scheme of ABAB CDCD EFEF GHGH IJIJ.

Flow; When I read your poem, was I distracted by anything, did I have to back up and reread it?

I must confess that as read, and then reread your poem I was struck by its lyricism. That being said I wanted to sing your poem rather than merely read it. Which is a good thing. The difficulty with that is, that when I tried to mentally set it to music the variations in syllables on each line gave me pause. More about that later!!

Technicalities; This is where I address any mechanical, spelling, or grammar problems I spotted.

I didn't see anything that made me stop or backtrack until I tried setting your wonderful poem to music.

Favorites; Things I liked best!

Four extremely powerful lines;

The first —
The stone ground below,
Has never looked so cold,

Such an expression of sadness and melancholy.

Then these —

This is a never-ending love, I call,
My lover has been found.

Triumph and redemption!!

Closing Thoughts;

So I said I saw your poem as lyrics, and mentioned how that gave me pause to stumble as I read it, not your fault because you wrote a poem I foolishly tried to sing.

But picture this; your wonderfully powerful poem falls into the hands of a composer/songwriter, this is what might happen;

The composer reads your lyrics about a million times.
He/She scribbles some changes and sends them off to you for review.
His/Her notes would look something like this — "Invalid Item"

The item is set to private — I will email the passkey to open it.
You and the composer would discuss and toss ideas back and forth until you came to an agreement.
You and he/she write a huge hit tune!!

Your poem is wonderful and stands very well on its own, but it launched into song in my mind, hopefully, you take that as the compliment it's meant to be!

And remember, please, as always, these are just opinions and thoughts; please feel free to use and adapt what works and ignore what doesn’t. Thank You, Richard ~ Thankful!!

, feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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#4653654

Review of Laresn / Alien Girl

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, Lori J ! I am reviewing your Chapter: {item: 2270731}, I saw your request for reviews on the Newsfeed. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Presentation; This is where I talk about how your writing looks on the page/screen.

Space between paragraphs helps to improve readability. It sets off changes in dialogue voices and helps the reader identify idea changes.

Very often if you are using Copy & Paste from a word processing app, your original might automatically add the double space. But when pasted, WdC doesn’t recognize the spacing. The best way to overcome that is to add the second space manually, short; Hit the enter key twice between paragraphs.

Plot What I think it is about.

An extraterrestrial traveler crash lands on Earth, stranded, she meets an Earth couple who take care of her.

Characters

Laresn/Zook – a stranded extraterrestrial traveler
She and Zook, her imaginary twin, Just wondering if you really meant imaginary, it might be interesting if there was a symbiotic relationship, rather than an imaginary one.

Kent and Marie – the couple who find and care for her.

There is no clearly defined protagonist/antagonist relationship yet.

Flow: When I read your story, was I distracted by anything, did I have to back up and reread?

The story flows well, but there are a few things that made me backtrack.

This sentence gave me pause;

“These are really good chocolate chip cookies. It tastes as though you made them yourself.”
I was not sure who said this, I inferred it was Kent, based on who he was speaking to, I think a dialogue tag is needed here.

Another point of slight confusion, Laresn/Zook can read English, but not speak or understand English?
That might need explanation.

Technicalities: This is where I address any mechanical, spelling, or grammar problems I spotted.

In the first paragraph, this line;
“Where was she and what was happening?”

Did Laresn/Zook say that out loud? If she did, then the quotes are correct. But, if she only thought it rather than saying it, you might want to offset it by using italics. Do that on WdC. by doing this

{i}“Where was she and what was happening?”{/i}

There are a few places where the dialogue wasn’t closed by an end quote;

“Yes, and he checked his computer, but couldn’t find anything.(missing”)

“Thanks, I’ll go get dressed for work.(missing”)

Favorites:

She and Zook, her imaginary twin, had found this building and had been sleeping soundly in the loft.

There is great potential in this line. Is Zook actually Imaginary or is Zook a non-corporeal symbiont?
Final thoughts:

This is a great beginning to your story, it makes me want to read more. You made me care about Laresn/Zook, I want to follow her story and learn more about her.

And remember, please, as always, these are just opinions and thoughts; please feel free to use and adapt what works and ignore what doesn’t. Thank You, Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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#4653508

Review of Mary The Koala

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi, Sumojo! I am reviewing this today as one of two judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "

. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

What I am looking for;

Adherence to contest rules.

Limerick Rules

Five lines = One stanza (You may write as many stanzas as you like, but make sure you follow the guidelines!)
Rhyme scheme: AABBA
Syllables: 8/8/5/5/8
Meter:
Lines 1, 2 & 5 – da dum da da dum da da dum.
Line 3 & 4 – da dum da da dum
dum is a stressed syllable, da is an unstressed syllable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adherence to contest rules.

Contest rules were adhered to.

Presentation;

Excellent, clear, and easily readable, with illustrations!

Meter:

There were breaks in the 8/8/5/5/8 syllabic meter in every stanza. The syllabic meter was broken within stanzas.

Rhyme:

The rhyme scheme was clever and well maintained.

Flow:

Because the syllable count varies between lines, the flow and sing-song quality of the limerick form was a bit hidden.

Technicalities:

I didn't spot any technical errors.

Favorites:

The kids are going to love a koala in a sweater and socks!

Final thoughts:

This is a great children's poem, they'd love it. It does need some tweaking to fit the strict limerick form.

And remember please, as always these are just opinions and thoughts, please feel free to use and adapt what works, and equally free to ignore what doesn't. Thank You Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4653505

Review of Wheel of Fortune

for entry "March 14, 2022"

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, ridinghhood-p.boutilier! I am reviewing this today as one of two judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "

. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

What I am looking for;

Adherence to contest rules.

Limerick Rules

Five lines = One stanza (You may write as many stanzas as you like, but make sure you follow the guidelines!)
Rhyme scheme: AABBA
Syllables: 8/8/5/5/8
Meter:
Lines 1, 2 & 5 – da dum da da dum da da dum.
Line 3 & 4 – da dum da da dum
dum is a stressed syllable, da is an unstressed syllable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adherence to contest rules.

Rules were followed.

Presentation;

Thank you for including the cover art that inspired the limericks. The writing was clear and legible.

Meter:

Followed limerick 8/8/5/5/8 syllabic, some word accents may have misplaced the stresses.

Rhyme:

Rinds and limes is a close enough rhyme.

Flow:

Some of the accents are misplaced, so I don't feel that sing-song, limerick feel all the time.

Technicalities:

Might be a comma or two missing, but other than that I see no major problems.

Favorites:

My favorite lines!

Pretzels and pork rinds,
Cheez-Its and key limes

Final thoughts:

A nice set of limericks, but maybe not child-lit friendly, as the tendency now is to shy away from things related to the bodily physique.

And remember please, as always these are just opinions and thoughts, please feel free to use and adapt what works, and equally free to ignore what doesn't. Thank You Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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#4653503

Review of Erin the Fair

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, Nobody’s Home! I am reviewing this today as one of two judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "

. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

What I am looking for;

Adherence to contest rules.

Limerick Rules

Five lines = One stanza (You may write as many stanzas as you like, but make sure you follow the guidelines!)
Rhyme scheme: AABBA
Syllables: 8/8/5/5/8
Meter:
Lines 1, 2 & 5 – da dum da da dum da da dum.
Line 3 & 4 – da dum da da dum
dum is a stressed syllable, da is an unstressed syllable.

Adherence to contest rules.

No line count (see rule # 6)

Presentation;

Clear and readable.

Meter:

Perfect!

Rhyme:

The rhyme between Erin and Baron is a bit forced, but that might be my Long Island accent otherwise, the rest of the scheme settles well.

Flow:

A nice bouncy flow!

Technicalities:

I didn't see any technical problems.

Favorites:

I like when children's lit leaves some things that need to be explained, like your use of the word Fae, a teacher would probably have to explain its meaning.

Final thoughts:

This is a nice, short, and sweet limerick. Thank you for sharing your talent with us!

And remember please, as always these are just opinions and thoughts, please feel free to use and adapt what works, and equally free to ignore what doesn't. Thank You Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4653484

Review of Mutt Gus

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, SandraLynn! I am reviewing this today as one of two judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "

. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

What I am looking for;

Adherence to contest rules.

Limerick Rules

Five lines = One stanza (You may write as many stanzas as you like, but make sure you follow the guidelines!)
Rhyme scheme: AABBA
Syllables: 8/8/5/5/8
Meter:
Lines 1, 2 & 5 – da dum da da dum da da dum.
Line 3 & 4 – da dum da da dum
dum is a stressed syllable, da is an unstressed syllable.

Presentation;

Adhered to all contest rules.
The presentation was clear and easy to read.
My old eyes would have liked a larger font.
A cartoon of an Old English Sheep Dog as a cover would have been a nice addition!

Meter:

8/8/5/5/8 was maintained except for one line;

I'm urged to rise = four syllables. Perhaps arise?

Rhyme:

The rhyme scheme was clever and well maintained!

Flow:

The flow in each of the second lines is a bit strained, the emphasized syllable of the words like oblivious don't serve your rhythm.

Technicalities:

I didn't spot any mechanical, spelling, or grammatical issues.

Favorites:

This is very definitely a child-friendly set of limericks. I really liked that lines 1, 2, & 5 of all four stanzas rhymed. That coupled with the repetition of "mutt Gus", would make this a splendid poem to read to children.

Final thoughts:

Thank you for sharing this poem, I enjoyed reading it!

And remember please, as always these are just opinions and thoughts, please feel free to use and adapt what works, and equally free to ignore what doesn't. Thank You Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

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14 days may be credited.

#4653480

Review of A Big Flashy Fun Rainbow Ball

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, Kåre เลียม Enga! I am reviewing this today as one of two judges for the "Writing 4 Kids Contest "

. Thank You for sharing your talents with us.

As always, please remember that my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and disregard the rest.

What I am looking for;

Adherence to contest rules.

Limerick Rules

Five lines = One stanza (You may write as many stanzas as you like, but make sure you follow the guidelines!)
Rhyme scheme: AABBA
Syllables: 8/8/5/5/8
Meter:
Lines 1, 2 & 5 – da dum da da dum da da dum.
Line 3 & 4 – da dum da da dum
dum is a stressed syllable, da is an unstressed syllable.

Presentation;

Contest Rules: No line Count was provided;

6) Be sure to post line count or word count within the body of your entry. Above or below your story is fine, either way.

The text was clear and readable. I would have liked a bit less clutter. Perhaps the additional copyright information and contest information could have been included as an Authors Note.

I.E. Author's Note ▼

Meter:

The first stanza of the three is 9/9/6/6/9, not the standard 8/8/5/5/8.

Rhyme:

The rhyme scheme is well structured with the exception of;

with pastries galore
and popcorn and smores.

The s at the end of smores breaks the rhyme. Perhaps more or just s'more?

Flow:

The poem as a whole flows very well, with pleasant sing-song quality. Very well done!

Technicalities:

S'mores is a contraction for Some More, as such, it needs that apostrophe.

Favorites:

Two things I loved;

The indentation of the short lines was a great touch and worked nicely.

The other might have been inadvertent but was a humorous gotcha non the less.

These lines;

now Barbie and Bob,
Rebecca and Rob,

Bob and Rob are derivatives of the same name, it would have been nice to carry that little joke further by substituting Becky or Beckie for Barbie.

Final thoughts:

All in all, I enjoyed reading your entry, and I apologize for being a bit nitpicky, but it is a contest after all. Please be sure to review the contest rules before you make your posts! And remember please, as always these are just opinions and thoughts, please feel free to use and adapt what works, and equally free to ignore what doesn't. Thank You Richard ~ Thankful!!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4652334

Review of It's a Love Story

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Keira, And welcome to Writing.com!

I saw your post on the Newsfeed and decided to come and visit your portfolio. I found this story, your first on WdC. I hope you don't mind if I review it.

First, some important things to remember about reviews in general. The review is one person's opinion, and you need to remember that. Most people on WdC will try to do helpful, balanced reviews. The most important thing about a review is to use what is helpful and works for you! Don't get bogged down in the criticism or let it dampen your spirit.

Okay, on to my review;

We meet the two characters early, who as far as I can tell have only met each other online. They are both teenagers, about three years apart. They live in different time zones, which makes communication hard. There are other obstacles to their relationship, but we'll leave that to your story.

I would have liked to have seen a few of their online conversations as dialogue, you could have used that dialogue to Show Me about them rather than Telling Me about them.

There were no stand-out grammatical errors that distracted me and no spelling errors that I saw.

A small mechanical error;

I think you missed double-spacing after the paragraph that ends in "troublemaker".

Also, and again this is my opinion, this paragraph;

One day, they'll both be old enough to do whatever they want, whatever they please and you know the first thing they will do is make sure they're together. Making sure they have the warmth of the other, hearing each other's heartbeat and just then this sad love story would be over with a happy ending. Amelia sees Leo, with a few bags in his hand and a suitcase beside him. Leo would stare at her, realizing just how beautiful Amelia really was. Noticing how his heart won't stop beating so fast. Amelia freezing right there in that very airport. They both run until they are in each other's arms. Amelia hears his heartbeat and she thinks it's the most beautiful song. She decides that his heartbeat is her new favorite melody and they both realize this is how it's going to be for a very long time. A sad love story with a happy, comforting ending.

Might have a more dramatic emphasis if you treated each character's actions as separate thoughts.

Perhaps something like this;

One day, they'll both be old enough to do whatever they want, whatever they please and you know the first thing they will do is make sure they're together.

Making sure they have the warmth of the other, hearing each other's heartbeat and just then this sad love story would be over with a happy ending.

Amelia sees Leo, with a few bags in his hand and a suitcase beside him.

Leo would stare at her, realizing just how beautiful Amelia really was. Noticing how his heart won't stop beating so fast.

Amelia freezing right there in that very airport.

They both run until they are in each other's arms. Amelia hears his heartbeat and she thinks it's the most beautiful song. She decides that his heartbeat is her new favorite melody and they both realize this is how it's going to be for a very long time.

A sad love story with a happy, comforting ending.

It also improves the reading flow, making it a bit clearer. More white space makes it easier to read

This is a wonderful start, to what I hope is a long and growing portfolio here on Writing.com. And once again, I welcome you! Please, as I said above, but can't stress enough, this review is my opinion, use what works, and feel free to shred, spindle, and mutilate what doesn't.

Thank You For Sharing With Us! Write On!

Image #2211144 over display limit. -?- ...I'm only the trombone player!}

Janus on WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4651142

Review of Humble Pi

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy Pi Day! Thank you for sharing your pi with me!

I loved this ode to an irrational number, while I was never a fan of math, I was always fascinated by number sequences.

I loved that you pointed out how important pi is to our everyday lives. We don't really realize how often the things we take for granted every day wouldn't exist without those pesky little numbers!

I didn't see any mechanical or grammatical errors. The poem had a nice, consistent rhyme scheme, and a pleasing rhythm.

** Image ID #2216512 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4650250

Review of The Dark Marionette

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Very well done! This was very clever!! Your descriptions were precise enough to lead us to the conclusion you were aiming at. And the ominous twist at the end. Just what could the dark marionette be plotting?

I don't see any mechanical or grammatical issues, nothing distracted me from the flow of your microfiction.

Great Job! Thank You!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4648111

Review of Memoirs

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Anni Pon I was reading through your port and found your Prose folder, I read both pieces in it and loved them both. They were concise and well written. I think though "Memoirs"

stands out as my favorite.

Writing a tale using only dialog is a tough assignment. All of the actions and descriptions have to be inferred from the conversation. You also need to quickly establish the voices, without the help of dialog tags.

You did a great job, and I was able to easily follow this conversation. Everything was clear and well laid out.

There were no mechanical problems that gave me pause or distracted me from the flow. The twist at the end was very well done and caught me by surprise as a good twist should!

I am a bit into children's stories right now, as I have been doing quite a bit of reading to younger children. I know that this was intended to be a dialog-only story, but it would make, with expansion and added layers of description, a splendid children's book.

Thank You For Sharing!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4645023

Review of Great Groundhog Day Merit Badge Giveaway

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill

Rated: E

| (5.0)

What a wonderful, kind thing to do! Thank You!!

I would like to nominate;

Nixie🦊
ForeverDreamer
Lornda
A E Willcox
Starling
lynntarzan
blimprider
Brother Nature

{huser:nixie9}
{huser:joefredthomas}
{huser:memories}
{huser:poulynoe}
{huser:pager}
{huser:lynntarzan}
{huser:blimprider}
{huser:brothernature}

I am enclosing Gift Points to cover the nominations! Just add extra people to this wonderful event!!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4642612

Review of Wheel of Fortune

for entry "January 8, 2022"

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier, I am doing this review as part of "I Write: Enter the Second Decade"

(I Write: Decade Edition)

I don't know much about Tarot Cards, I have never used them or had a reading done. I didn't know one could concentrate on specific cards in a deck, I thought the reading depended on a random draw and then an interpretation by the reader.

Sadly the pandemic has everyone thinking about what-ifs. My girlfriend and I care for her elderly mother, Momma Mary is a feisty 96 years young. Unfortunately, she can't be vaccinated, so we have to be very careful around her. It's hard on everyone.

I do want to thank you for being careful and mindful of your own and others' health, I really wonder about the selfishness and lack of caring that some people exhibit.

I did see a very minor typo;

"Yesterday I learned that a member at the adult dementia day stay wher where I work had tested positive for Covid."

I also saw that you wanted to insert an emdash in places, Writing.Com has a code for that.

If you use this code {emdash} it will look like this —

Using your line:

"Death--XIII--The Cook's Tarot--Embrace what life has to offer----including leftovers."

"Death{emdash}XIII{emdash}The Cook's Tarot{emdash}mbrace what life has to offer{emdash}including leftovers."

Would look like this;

"Death—XIII—The Cook's Tarot—Embrace what life has to offer—including leftovers."

Thank you for sharing, I went and found the recipe you mentioned and saved it to try—it sounds yummy!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4620018

Review of Oh Music Oh Music

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Schnujo's Doing NaNoWriMo?, this review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

— Summer Fun Review Raid. I hope you don't mind being raided!

I'll be looking at these main points;

Plot: A poetic exploration of the principal components of music;

"Music is the use, Of sound and of silence"

I used to begin my first lecture in Music Theory 1 with a statement very akin to this.

Characters: There are no characters. The poem covers the various facets that form the basis of Western Music.

Mechanics: I liked your use of a refrain or chorus as we would term it in music, that mimicked closely the standard song form. Your rhyme scheme was steady and well planned out. The poem flowed very rhythmically and was an easy read.

Presentation Thank You for the larger font size! The poem's layout was consistent.

Final Thoughts Usually I have a favorite line, but in this case, it turns out I have a favorite stanza;

"Greek for mousike
Means "art of the muses"
From nine lovely goddesses
Of their inspiration infuses"

These were very astute and well-thought-out analogies for musical concepts!

Grumpy

is pleased!!

Like all reviews, this is based on one reader's opinion. The review is meant to be helpful and constructive. My opinion is not the end-all, be-all of the literary world and you should view that as such. Please use what works and disregard what doesn't. If anything I said needs further explanation or clarification please feel free to contact me Richard ~ Thankful!!

Image #1996435 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4620012

Review of Dandelion

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi PiriPica, this review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

— Summer Fun Review Raid. I hope you don't mind being raided!

I'll be looking at these main points;

Plot: A Cinquino about a common weed.

Characters: The dandelion is our main character here, described to a Tee with economical use of words.

Mechanics: For those like me who need coaching in the poetical forms;

Line 1: One word (a noun, the subject of the poem)

Line 2: Two words (adjectives that describe the subject in line 1)
Line 3: Three words (-ing action verbs–participles–that relate to the subject in line 1)
Line 4: Four words (a phrase or sentence that relates feelings about the subject in line 1)

Line 5: One word (a synonym for the subject in line 1 or a word that sums it up) Almost

Alternative Line 5 for older poets: Five words (a phrase or sentence that further relates feelings about the subject in line 1)

So, not quite following the rules that were laid down by who knows who?

But! It Works! And Works Well. Rules are made to be broken!

Presentation The layout, font and font size are excellent.

Final Thoughts I really don't consider the dandelion a weed, it's the first flower that honey bees feast on and a plant that's far more native than the grass most try to force to grow. It is edible and in reality prettier than grass.

My favorite line is your play on a lion's mane —

"Proud mane shining against the green"

Thank You!

Like all reviews, this is based on one reader's opinion. The review is meant to be helpful and constructive. My opinion is not the end-all, be-all of the literary world and you should view that as such. Please use what works and disregard what doesn't. If anything I said needs further explanation or clarification please feel free to contact me Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4620000

Review of There’s No Magic in Oklahoma

Review by Richard ~ Thankful!!

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Rhymer Reisen, this review is part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

— Summer Fun Review Raid. I hope you don't mind being raided!

I'll be looking at these main points;

Plot: There's magic afoot in rural Oklahoma!

Characters: Trey Willabee is a mild-mannered English teacher about to be surprised by new realizations. There are several other mystical/mythical characters, but exploring them might give too much of the story away.

Mechanics: No mechanical problems. I like the voooiiiiceeeees you gave your characters, they worked well.

Presentation Thank you for the larger font!! The spacing and the layout are consistent and lend themselves to an easy read.

Final Thoughts Trey's new world seems like a gold mine, with plenty of room to build and explore. You have created a world with much room to grow. All of the characters are likable in their own way. I hope their adventures continue! Write On!

Like all reviews, this is based on one reader's opinion. The review is meant to be helpful and constructive. My opinion is not the end-all, be-all of the literary world and you should view that as such. Please use what works and disregard what doesn't. If anything I said needs further explanation or clarification please feel free to contact me Richard ~ Thankful!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .