Title: Arina’s Last Hope
First Thoughts: Wow. Solid imagery. At first, I was a little wary of what you were trying to do, and it actually took me a few tries to "get into" the story, but after Arina's vision started, I was completely captivated. I felt like a child in a candy shop. I know this is contest has a word limit, but this could definitely be fleshed out a bit more, maybe even into a novel! But all-in-all, I thoroughly enjoyed your vivid storytelling skills. You have quite a knack for the medieval/fantasy genre.
Plot: The plot isn't clear until the end of the piece. At first, I couldn't understand why Arina was visiting this seer and I really didn't understand any of the explanation. I had an idea of what was going on, but I was a bit frustrated at the same time. I can understand why you'd be withholding information from the audience (for more of a shock value at the end), but it was almost too confusing and boring. After the vision started, I could see the battle in my head starting to form clear as crystal. It wasn't until after Arina left the seer did I figure out the true "plot" of this short story. There are many unanswered questions at the end of the book, which leads me to read this more as a first chapter of a novel. If this was a "first chapter" I would definitely want to read more.
Line by Line:
I will write:
Deletions in red
Additions in blue
And comments in green.
Arina struggled to keep herself from fidgeting as she awaited the appearance of the seer. The auspices, cast at midnight on the night before, were sufficiently alarming alarmed that she had to come here[,] [-](insert dash or em dash here)had to know. So [t}here she sat, inside a gaudy pavilion tent south of the grand market, waiting. She didn’t have long to wait, because[,] at that moment[,] the curtains stirred and an emaciated hand beckoned her into the reading chamber. She rose wordlessly without a word and followed the hand/her/the seer into the dimly lit bowels of the seer’s sanctum.
Auspices: There are a couple words you use in these first few chapters that I have never seen or heard before. Of course, I am only one person, but I had to pause to look up some of these words. If this was, say, a nonfiction book or a book written with a higher level of vocabulary, I'd be fine with that. But, this is a short story in which the surrounding vocabulary you use does not seem to fit with the random uncommon words. Just a thought. I would use prophecies or soothsayers or another word that better describes what you mean here.
As she crossed the threshold, the crone’s hand grasped her forearm and led her across the room to a wood[-]framed canvas stool. Diaphanous wisps of sweet scented smoke lingered lazily in the air all around her, obscuring her vision to the point that she could barely make out the walls that were only ten feet distant. The effect was disconcerting, as if the outside world had vanished, and all that remained was the (use "a" here, since the bowl hasn't been introduced to the reader before now) broad, shallow silver bowl filled with water on the rug in front of her[, a] with tall, slender candlestick[s] sitting on either side of it, and the old crone seated across from her. (Bit of a run on sentence. Might consider breaking up.
Diaphanous is usually used to describe fabric, so I was caught a little off guard with this word. But, it works here with the smoke. The only other thing I would say is that diaphanous means that something is "light" or "translucent". My impression of diaphanous smoke would not obscure her vision. Just another suggestion. :)
Arina had no idea how old this woman was, but to call her ancient would have been a gross understatement. She wore a voluminous beige robe that gathered about her in a myriad of folds that nearly approximated resembled those of her face. To Arina[,] it seemed that she must have lived three or four lifetimes to accumulate such a collection of wrinkles. Most appalling, however, was fact that the flesh stretched smoothly across [c:red}the hollow emptiness of her vacant eye sockets. Her blindness This was her curse and her blessing[.} [Despite] all the power of her ability[,] she was unable to see the visions that she was able to show showed her customers.
There were a lot of extravagant and nonsensical words and phrases in this paragraph. I would try to keep everything as read-able as possible. Try reading passages like these out loud to yourself, or have a friend read them to you cold (without studying them first). This might help when trying to figure out which phrases and words most people "stumble over".
Arina started to speak, but the crone held up a single knobby finger to ensure her silence. (I really like this sentence. Nice imagery.) The hand beckoned (Just a suggestion. You used this phrase before, try "She motioned towards Arina".), and Arina reached out her own out in response. The withered skin hand (skin can't caress, something like fingers or people can.) caressed her own almost tenderly, turning it so that her palm was exposed. Then, in a flash of movement that was so quick that she could barely follow (or "barely see")it, much less react to, the crone pulled a tiny blade from her sleeve and slashed it across Arina’s palm. The blood welled up instantly, and the crone guided the hand as drops of blood fell onto the water’s surface into the bowl. Rather than sink, however, the blood remained floating on the surface of the water, expanding unnaturally until it formed a thin red sheen. The crone pushed ("Closed" would be a better word here) Arina’s hand into a fist to staunch the flow of blood and then leaned forward to blow gently across the liquid’s surface.
As Arina gazed into the depths of the bowl, and her vision wavered. A moment later she was flying across the peaks that made up the mountain range referred to as (Might needs quotes around this. I'm not sure.)["]The Dragon’s Teeth.["] She dove down between two of the behemoths[,] and the city of Myridon stretched before her. Constructed entirely of stone, with its main keep built within the mountain itself, the city looked as if it could pass a hundred millennia and still look exactly the same. On she flew, past the twenty foot thick, sixty foot high ‘Dragon Wall’ that enclosed the city, and across an obsidian sea that lapped up against that wall with tidal force. [*]The number of black armored figures that composed that sea was incalculable; they were more numerous than grains of sand on the a beach. Brilliant flashes of sunlight off honed steel blades reinforced the metaphor image of the beautiful[,] but deadly stone. ("Sea" or "storm" might work better here. I understand now why you used stone, but at first, I thought it was a typo, because "seas" and "storms" are more beautiful and deadly than "stones". "Stones" aren't awful deadly unless you have the unpleasant misfortune of being stoned to death... But I digress...)
Here's where the imagery really starts to take me away to this world you've created for us. My only thought is that I literally thought this "obsidian sea" was an ocean next to the city. So I was confused when she started talking people. I would maybe add something describing the "sea's" transformation into an "army" where I indicated ([*]). For example, "As Arina grew closer, she could make out the armored bodies and flailing weapons that made up this sea, yada yada yada."
As she turned, she saw gouts(Not sure if you meant to use "gouts" here, but all I can think of is "gout". Ick. Maybe another word would be better? :D ) of flame pouring out over the wall, incinerating small patches of enemies, but the obsidian sea quenched the flames and flowed in quickly to refill the gap. Catapults flung scores of twenty pound stones into the maelstrom (Another word I've never heard before, but I'm glad you used it!! Very compelling.), but their effects were as insignificant as a lean- too in a hurricane(I don't quite get the analogy here. It seems a bit weak considering the use of "catapult", "twenty pound stones", and "maelstrom" in the same sentence.). She flew back across the wall and the city, continuing up the slope to the main keep and beyond. Above the keep, just below the snow line, was a large shelf standing at the mouth of an immense cave. The stone of the shelf was barely discernable [discernible] because it so was crowded with the amount of dragons crowded on its surface. They were organized into phalanxes, with a core of five reds at the center of each and five greens on each side as flankers. Each dragon, green and red alike, bore an armored rider with [a] twenty foot lance. They were a magnificent sight to behold[;] [:] The Dragon Riders of Myridon. A great bellow resounded from within the cave, and they began to take to the air. In minutes[,] the first five phalanxes were airborne, speeding down the slope toward an engagement with an enemy that would see one of them eradicated from the face of the earth.(Very wordy. Did a dragon die? Did the enemy die? Could be clearer.}
Stunning detail, yet again! Bravo! Red and greens: I understand these are dragons, but you don't say that they are. Also, if I was a simple reader, I might have no idea what you mean by red and green. They could be the colors or armor or teams or ranks of the dragons. Explain.
Phalanxes: I didn't know what these were, but you described them pretty well, so I got the concept pretty easily. You could go into detail, but with the word limit, I understand.
Another bellow sounded, and five more phalanxes exited the cave and took to the sky. After they had taken off, a massive form approached the cave mouth. The stone shelf trembled as the a gigantic blue dragon stepped out into the light of day. His scales shimmered in that light, and atop his back sat a knight that was nearly as impressive as his mount. His pure, white tabard was encased in Mithril plate armor, with the sigil of the Dragon Knights emblazoned across it, shining in the brilliant light like a beacon of hope. Rather than a lance, he carried a jewel[-]encrusted staff that was nearly six feet in length. The huge blue reared back on its hind legs and let out a great bellow that echoed across the city before leaping upward and taking to the sky.
As the flights of dragons neared the Dragon Wall a great cheer erupted from the defenders massed there. Seconds later they were soaring/flying/hovering over the obsidian sea, spewing great swaths of fire upon the defenseless multitudes. Virtually immune to the arrows that deflected harmlessly off their [Insert "tough" adjective here.] (In general, use less adverbs/words that end in -ly) hide, the dragons attacked with impunity, and the knights began to hope that they might carry the day.
The bellow of their leader diverted their attention just in time to see a dark cloud approaching. Suddenly the air was filled with hundreds of Harpies, their raptor claws tearing at the dragons’ scaled hides with astonishing ferociousness. The fact that their heads and bodies resembled those of human women caused the knights to hesitate momentarily, and[.] [T]he effect was devastating. Bodies fell from the sky as riders were torn from their mounts, and[.] [S]evered wing tendons caused a number of dragons to spiral to their doom. The harpies were so close that lances were no longer effective, and flaming breath would undoubtedly hurt as many friends as foes. The knights tried to use swords to fend off the monstrosities, but the harpies were so agile that they could easily avoid their reach.
The massive blue bellowed a command, and the remaining dragons and their knights retreated. In their wake, the blue came barreling toward the harpies. As he roared, sparks of electricity began to flash around his head, building energy with every beat of his wings. When he got within fifty yards of the first harpies he released a sizzling bolt of electricity that shot forward at the speed of light. The first wave of harpies to contact hit by the powerful bolt was vaporized. The coruscating energy continued on into the next batch, leaping from one to the next in a chain that brought dozens of the beasts down in leaving a stench of burnt feathers and ozone. (Why ozone?) The enraged beast and rider pressed the attack, scattering the cloud of harpies like so many chickadees under the shadow of a hawk. Atop the gigantic blue, the Lord Commander of The Dragon Knights (First mention of this title. Could be mentioned earlier when we were first introduced to the blue dragon and his rider.} lashed out with his staff, sending forth orange bursts of flame as a counterpoint to the electric blue pyrotechnics of his mount. The ferociousness of the assault sent the harpies into a panic, and they lost any sort of all coherence in their panicked frenzy to escape. As they did, the remaining Dragon Knights flew in from their flanking positions, cutting off the avenue of escape for many of the enemy. Charred and skewered harpies fell to the ground like rain as the Knights concluded their decisive aerial victory. (Interesting use of decisive.)
Far below, amid the thronging hordes of the enemy, a glowing sphere of sickly green grabbed the Lord Commander’s attention. (Is this orb staying on the ground and shooting up like a cannon? Or is it rising into the air?} As he veered his mount towards it[,] a bolt of energy burst forth from the sphere, moving faster than thought as it impacted a red dragon. The red stiffened immediately and dropped like a rock. The blue increased his speed as two more bursts flashed by to either side. Nearing maximum velocity, the dragon drew in huge gulps of air, filling his lungs in anticipation of the fury that he was about release. When he was just about to strike when [,] the green light inexplicably vanished. But there was only a fraction of a second to ponder the mystery[, however,] before a wave of blackness exploded in front of him. [A]The shell of void energy raced outward, and every airborne creature that it touched lost consciousness and plummeted from the sky. In less than a minute, the vaunted (The word vaunted has a negative connotation. Such as "Many of the vaunted new democracies are riddled with corruption, and weakly led. (example from dictionary.com)" Anyways, I would use a different word here, such as "great" or "hellacious") Dragon Knights were wiped from the face of the earth.
The images in the scrying bowl faded, [as] Arina clutched the armrests of the stool until the dizzy spell passed. When she was able, she stumbled to her feet [and thanked] the seer awkwardly in a daze as she made her way back through the curtains and out into the crowded market. In a city under siege, the cost of food had risen precipitously, and people [in] the square were nearing a state of desperation. Arina shouldered her way through the throng, eliciting more than a few derogatory remarks in the process, and eventually reached her servant who stood holding the reins of her horse. She gestured frantically as she approached, and [I]n moments they were off, making their mad dash up the mountainside.
In most places[,] the thunder of the approaching hooves was more than enough warning to clear the streets ahead way, but at times the milling mass simply had no place to go. Arina was forced to wait impatiently as the commoners flowed in a slow, steady trickle around her and her servant before they were once again able to navigate the continual switchbacks up the road to the castle. By the time Arina finally reached the castle she was in a panic, ignoring both soldiers and courtiers alike as she made a mad dash[ed] toward the spiral staircase that led upward into the dragons’ eyrie. Down the halls she sped, scattering servants and nobles in her wake. Large mosaics of dramatic battles fought ages ago blurred in her peripheral vision as she urged her body to expend more energy than she thought that it actually had. Behind her, a well meaning well-intentioned lieutenant of the guard and his small unit struggled to close the gap between her and them, and thus be in a position to assist her in whatever dire emergency was apparently taking place[. However, the] (You have an extra space here. Delete one.} fully armed and armored men never really ever stood a chance[, however,] [as] the lithe woman vanished before them.
Those last two sentences were a dousy for the reader, so I'm assuming those edits are pretty confusing as well. Let me type up what I have:
"Behind her, a well-intentioned lieutenant and his small unit struggled to close that gap between her and them, and thus be in a position to assist her in whatever dire emergency was taking place. However, the fully armored men never stood a chance as the lithe woman vanished before them."
By the time Arina reached the cave that housed the dragons, she had little energy/stamina/strength left. Glancing around in a panic (You've used "panic" a lot. Try frenzy or hurry or horror or terror...), she saw that the cave was empty. NO! She couldn’t be too late! (NO and the sentence after are more like thoughts. They should be internalized with italics or vocalized with quotes) With the last bit of will power ("Will power" has a different connotation then what you mean here. Just "power" will work.) she had, she ran [towards the cave's entrance] and the shelf beyond. She [, stumbling] as a tremor passed through the[e] mountain[.] [H]er heart leapt with joy [when she saw h]e (Maybe describe who "he" is instead. Like, "The blue dragon" or "Lord Commander") had not yet left for the battle yet. Time slowed to a sickening pace as she broke free of the shadows to see the majestic blue dragon leap into the air. Her plaintive cries were lost in the cacophony of his bellowed cry (Already used cry in this sentence. Try "roar" here.)
, and all that she could do was sink to her knees and watch as her world came to a final and unavoidable end.
I separated this sentence from the paragraph to show you that this can be a stronger final sentence if it acts as an individual sentence. For example,
As the blue dragon flew to join his forces, all she could do was sink to her knees and watch as etc etc etc....
You get the point. :)
Final words: There's some really solid story telling going on here. I commend you for your ability to write in detail, but still keep it interesting for the reader. At times, I felt like I was inside your mind, which was super cool. You also didn't pollute the piece with endless description of your main character. You focused mainly on actions, which I think you for. It's a very well written short story, and I hope it brings you good fortune!
Remember, my suggestions, though extensive and thorough, are merely representative of how I feel I would write this piece (as a writer) or how I would like to read this piece (as a reader). Obviously, you need to make your own stylistic decisions when it comes to editing and take my comments with a grain of salt.
Ask me if you have any questions!
Well done!
Best,
Sam |
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| (4.0)
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