I love it. The writing felt stilled yet live with a surreal verve that's not so easily conveyed. Yet there's an ancient sense to it too something that can relate to the truest age of the soul. Well Done!
This was actually pretty intriguing, to say the least. The writing was fluid, clever, and yet calmly convinced in tone. To me, it felt like something out of a legitimately memorable fantasy short story. Well done.
You've framed the picture of a traitor perfectly. As cruel as a cage and as tantalising as a world without beauty. Most importantly, though, it's a blade of harsh and life-like decision. Great work!
Praise: I feel like this is a morosely written love letter to the effectiveness of simplicity. From start to finish, scenes are unearthed, infused with emotions and mystery, made to mingle, and in the end, are all tied together by two concepts that everyone is familiar with. Love and Death. Impacting as they are timeless.
Suggestion: Try to work on the exchange between the doctor and Lydia. You're writing is great, sharp and devastating. But I feel like the script was taken straight out of a 60's soap opera. It's not too hampering. I just feel like you could better communicate the "More is Less" concept through even ounces of the well-placed, spoken word.
Overall: This was simple without being jejune. Poignant without being effusive. You delivered finely.
What I think you've written here is the most personified piece of apathy in its darkest, wickedest, and truest form. In all candor, this holds nothing back for the reader. It plummets us down to the depths of death and bungees all the way back up into real life where we can never deny what we are and what we've been neglecting. We take it home with us as a trophy and a scar that doesn't allow us to forget how much more we can care about the world around us.
I'm not sure if I've ever seen a more human poem in my entire life. This piece captures the most bittersweet aspect of human life in the finest accents of love, weakness, despair, anguish, desperation, and mortality. I can practically feel it loving the peace it has as strands itself on the direst edge of skill and riveting, electric, and transcendentally perfected emotion.
Usually, when I see poems like this, I often have to worry and wonder whether or not this is going to be another style over substance issue to be addressed in another dull 3.5 stars.
But you proved me wrong.
This poem, while undeniably beautiful and elegant in cascade, is also a riveting prose of love that was found, lost, and fueled by ethereal, ambitious hope. Great job!
Curt, but amusing to say the least. I have to admit that your intense, serious build had me worried for a minute, but you proved me wrong in the end and managed to make me giggle within the space of the last few lines of your work. The humanity of it was just...perfected. Well done!
Honestly? I'm just a kid with little experience in writing and even less in reading, but I feel like I could learn a lot from people like you. Your message not only elucidates the path into a learned mind and scarred heart but also teaches the reader something practical and inherently wanted: Wisdom for the real world.
This essay was well written, unfailingly realistic, and, above all, useful. Well done.
Woooow. When I came to read this, I wasn't expecting much -- a dash of nostalgia here, a tinge of quirk there -- but this story really got me in such a unique and standout way that brought me back to the days where I lived and loved the life I saw in books and Disney. Congratulations for making me feel this way. I think you'll really make it big in the business. :)
Sweetheart, you might not know it, but you've just written something very powerful and very relatable. Our bodies, our minds, and our souls are sacred. Let no one else tell you otherwise. Even though we're all different, we're all still worth keeping the same.
First off? Bravo. This is very powerful, incisive writing, and I commend you for your boldness and grace to have attempted such a masterful dive into the human soul itself. While you still do slip a bit in terms of proper sentence forming, symbol placement and an overflow of items in conjunction, you've proved to me that you can be an elusively fluid, emotional writer who's got what it takes to go big. Well done!
Grammatical corrections are as follows:
- that calculates, evaluates and analy(zes) every thought
- At (t)imes you have grappled with one word, the word of love.
- that love(,) although never seen(,) is always felt touching your heart,
feelings, emotions, opening your mind through thought to give
you an awareness of your actions and reactions.
- it has no boundaries or
limitations(;) it warms with passion as it flies like a free spirit
being blown gently in the wind to the four corners of the earth.
- It (e)nhance(s) an expression of freedom, escaping from the captivity
of conformity, then(,) with such power(,) erupts and encompasses
the full strength of wisdom, truth and humility.
- Over time you understand that love is like a two edged sword(;)
it capitulates your thoughts
- slowly letting your mind fill with
corrupt impurities that desecrate the soul with deceit, fear
and lies.
- Finally you begin to (covet)(,) through lust(,) the injustice of envy,
pride and bitterness, enhancing deep thoughts of revenge and
hatred that cause division, confliction and rejection as the
life you once knew begins to slowly ebb away.
This second paragraph could be simpler and more understandable.
- Then it shows a reflection of a distorted twisted mind that
calculates, evaluates and analysis every thought, feeling and
emotion, slowly moulding the very fabric of your life into a
character that embellishes a foot print of confliction enveloped
in the conception of love.
The first paragraph seems a tad too technical and wooden. You claim that this man has seen much, and yet he tells the story right off the bat like a robot. Be authentic. Make us feel you in a way that we want to know and see more of this character as you've come to know him.
Wow. This is beautiful, plain and simple. There's a stillness to it all, but also an underplaying tragedy beneath that works out so well that you notice every single piece of literary beauty without fail. I think it's brilliant.
I enjoyed the moral of the story. Albeit the entire thing being a little flat, your saving grace came in the snappy exchange between the both Paul and Chance. Nice work.
I honestly think there's a lot of your soul into this. While simple -- curt even -- it stands out to me as though you're pouring yourself out concisely and sincerely.
As a fan of Japanese culture and folklore, I found this story to be absolutely heartwarming and a pleasure to read. It's easy, but it's an enchanting type of easy.
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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