Interesting story; especially liked the fact that even though it's set in on a foreign world, you don't beat the reader over the head with explanation of what's going on, but you do manage to explain just enough that the reader isn't lost. I do have 2 suggestions - 1. Use fewer paragraph breaks. The majority of your paragraphs are really short, and I feel like the story would flow better without some of those large breaks. Just combine 2 paragraphs into one here and there and it would feel less choppy. 2. Pronouns. You use Athenais' name almost every time possible, rarely using 'her' or 'she' and I think some variety would help. I really liked the names you came up with, though - simple enough to pronounce but, other than Paul, not very common here.
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