Hmm. This was definitely interesting. I liked the general description throughout the story, and how you started of the piece in the rain with the main character walking home. It was a nice visual that allowed you to start off strong for your story, so good job with that. Having the cemetery as well really added to that nice almost dark visual.
I thought the chapter was a little short, and you seemed to rush into things a little bit more. I would have liked to see you show the reader a bit more about the protagonist and her history before jumping into the cliff hanger plot. I would also maybe look at some of your sentence structure and maybe try and mix it up a bit to help with the flow of your story. There were also a few typos and small mistakes, but those can be easily fixed with another read through.
I really enjoyed the formatting of this piece, it was the first thing I noticed and it really added to the overall first impression that I got when I read it. It’s little things like that, the spacing and bolding of the dialog, that I really love about poetry. The repetition in the first and last stanza was wonderful, and you built up a great rhythm with this piece. I enjoyed reading it out loud a lot more than when I first just read it to myself.
I think my favourite part of this poem is how the language you use is quite simple, but it really creates some beautiful imagery. The piss coloured beer, slouching, muddy floor. It definitely brought back memories of seeing homeless people and just how sad some of their faces look. I just thought of dark, dank, dirty and sad. The poem really is simple, but it says so much with so little words. I’m always impressed when a writer can do that.
I feel like I’m gushing, but I don’t really have a lot of critique for you. This poem is lovely. I think the only piece of imagery I was missing out on a bit was that I would have liked to have more of what their faces looked like put into the writing. It’s just my opinion, but other then that, wonderful piece.
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